It is often difficult for him to tell. In fact, one of the things we are working on at the moment is trying to shift this very dynamic. How I put it last week is that he usually assumes I don't want him. And that for the optimal functioning of this aspect of our relationship, it would work better if he would assume that I want him. This is a hard shift, because we have years of "evidence" to support the first position.
While I think it's great to thank one's partner, I would caution you against assuming that they've "sacrificed or been inconvenienced." Being in a state of gratitude is great, especially when the feeling is mutual. But the way you've described it, it could easily end up with a skewed power dynamic--you perceive your partner as having all the power (they get to choose whether or not to make the 'sacrifice'), and in fact are to some degree *forcing* the responsibility on them. By placing yourself in the "lower" position, if you will, you force them into the "higher" one. Is this at all clear? It seems a bit muddy even to me. Anyhow, it's my opinion that sex works best when it's a sharing of equals, a mutual exploration. Which doesn't mean that you can't mutually agree that one person will give a gift to the other. You just can't assume that the other person's reason for having sex is purely altruistic, or that they might not have chosen it on their own, anyway.
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Date: 2003-06-11 01:36 pm (UTC)While I think it's great to thank one's partner, I would caution you against assuming that they've "sacrificed or been inconvenienced." Being in a state of gratitude is great, especially when the feeling is mutual. But the way you've described it, it could easily end up with a skewed power dynamic--you perceive your partner as having all the power (they get to choose whether or not to make the 'sacrifice'), and in fact are to some degree *forcing* the responsibility on them. By placing yourself in the "lower" position, if you will, you force them into the "higher" one. Is this at all clear? It seems a bit muddy even to me. Anyhow, it's my opinion that sex works best when it's a sharing of equals, a mutual exploration. Which doesn't mean that you can't mutually agree that one person will give a gift to the other. You just can't assume that the other person's reason for having sex is purely altruistic, or that they might not have chosen it on their own, anyway.