[nonverbal negotiation for sharing space] (palms open) I lack context, sorry. I've never done this, or had it happen to me. If I'm interested in sitting closer to someone, in their personal space, and a seat next to that person opens on a couch... I've always held back, waiting for an explicit invitation. Otherwise, I'm afraid that I'll annoy that person by sitting too close, and they'll dislike me and leave.
Have you watched other people do it? That was one of the fascinating things about your post, and why I wrote such a long response, in part -- I read it while the memories of interactions at the party were still fresh in my mind, and I could go back through them and see how some of these things happened, and pick out the nonverbal negotiations that I hadn't really consciously been paying attention to at the time. But it can be really interesting (and possibly useful) to watch how other people interact, and when they end up cuddling without verbal negotiation, to see how they got there.
I think the key is this: if a space opens, and you sit there (often with a verbal "May I?" request -- but at this point you're asking for a communal space, not for getting into their personal space, so they're really unlikely to feel particularly uncomfortable about it), then you wait, talking to them but not moving into their space. It is now their turn to make a move -- you wait, and watch how they're dealing with the shared space. If they're comfortable sharing space and wish to indicate such, they'll indicate this by moving closer, often in a manner that's sort of by relaxing in that direction instead of overtly moving. At this point, you're showing that you're receptive to this, by not really moving away to compensate. Eventually, if they do this enough to get a notable bit closer, it can be your turn again, and you can try moving a little closer to them, and see if they respond by moving away and being slightly tenser, or by being receptive and relaxed. This process then repeats.
At least, that's my theoretical understanding, based on a small number of datapoints and a large amount of semi-logical conjecture. *grin* I realize that having a theory isn't all that much help in doing this in practice, though -- for one thing, it completely glosses over how to tell how comfortable the other person is. (It does, at least, address the "annoy them by sitting too close" issue -- the trick, I think, is that you position yourself at a distance that is sufficiently far away that their personal space is respected, but close enough to invite them to move closer if they wish to. And then it's up to them to be closer or not.)
[an art to this nonverbal negotiation] Probably. But applied to flirting, or cuddling, or social situations in general -- I'm clueless. I'm capable of standing across and pining for someone across the room that themselves is sitting ignored on a loveseat... because I don't know if they'd want my company, and don't want to bother that person.
Seeble. [1]
At best, I mostly just look like I have clue, I think. And sometimes have things work out, usually by someone being obvious enough to get past the cluelessness. And occasionally I notice enough to have things to say about it, and someone happens to ask at just the right time that I end up working out what I've noticed in lots of words in response.
I do think it's something that one can learn to get better at, by watching how other people do it....
[1] Have you come across this in your corners of usenet? It's a verbish thing, meaning essentially "I am your sibling in this", although with far less formality than that phrasing.
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Date: 2003-06-23 10:56 pm (UTC)(palms open) I lack context, sorry. I've never done this, or had it happen to me. If I'm interested in sitting closer to someone, in their personal space, and a seat next to that person opens on a couch... I've always held back, waiting for an explicit invitation. Otherwise, I'm afraid that I'll annoy that person by sitting too close, and they'll dislike me and leave.
Have you watched other people do it? That was one of the fascinating things about your post, and why I wrote such a long response, in part -- I read it while the memories of interactions at the party were still fresh in my mind, and I could go back through them and see how some of these things happened, and pick out the nonverbal negotiations that I hadn't really consciously been paying attention to at the time. But it can be really interesting (and possibly useful) to watch how other people interact, and when they end up cuddling without verbal negotiation, to see how they got there.
I think the key is this: if a space opens, and you sit there (often with a verbal "May I?" request -- but at this point you're asking for a communal space, not for getting into their personal space, so they're really unlikely to feel particularly uncomfortable about it), then you wait, talking to them but not moving into their space. It is now their turn to make a move -- you wait, and watch how they're dealing with the shared space. If they're comfortable sharing space and wish to indicate such, they'll indicate this by moving closer, often in a manner that's sort of by relaxing in that direction instead of overtly moving. At this point, you're showing that you're receptive to this, by not really moving away to compensate. Eventually, if they do this enough to get a notable bit closer, it can be your turn again, and you can try moving a little closer to them, and see if they respond by moving away and being slightly tenser, or by being receptive and relaxed. This process then repeats.
At least, that's my theoretical understanding, based on a small number of datapoints and a large amount of semi-logical conjecture. *grin* I realize that having a theory isn't all that much help in doing this in practice, though -- for one thing, it completely glosses over how to tell how comfortable the other person is. (It does, at least, address the "annoy them by sitting too close" issue -- the trick, I think, is that you position yourself at a distance that is sufficiently far away that their personal space is respected, but close enough to invite them to move closer if they wish to. And then it's up to them to be closer or not.)
[an art to this nonverbal negotiation]
Probably. But applied to flirting, or cuddling, or social situations in general -- I'm clueless. I'm capable of standing across and pining for someone across the room that themselves is sitting ignored on a loveseat... because I don't know if they'd want my company, and don't want to bother that person.
Seeble. [1]
At best, I mostly just look like I have clue, I think. And sometimes have things work out, usually by someone being obvious enough to get past the cluelessness. And occasionally I notice enough to have things to say about it, and someone happens to ask at just the right time that I end up working out what I've noticed in lots of words in response.
I do think it's something that one can learn to get better at, by watching how other people do it....
[1] Have you come across this in your corners of usenet? It's a verbish thing, meaning essentially "I am your sibling in this", although with far less formality than that phrasing.