Aug. 18th, 2003

jay: (Default)
A few realizations, today, largely unrelated.

For some combination of reasons, I've been depressed, almost despondent at times, since we got back Friday evening. And this has spun off my usual depression-parasitic reactions... increased insecurity, defiance, self-putdowns, clingyness. Strangely, my spirits were hugely lifted in a Krispy Kreme shop tonight when the counter guy handed me a warm doughnut... "you look like you could use this." Not on my waistline, perhaps, but that little act of kindness brought me out of a funk. Thankfully, my down periods rarely persist for more than a few days, and soon I'll be back at work (which tends to drag me out of a hole).

At work I feel in charge of myself, competent, capable and I have a track record of accomplishments. Self-confidence. I know my value, and can measure my past impact in a couple of fields. And I enjoy it -- I feel passionately about what I do, and learn. All of those things collude to bring me up and make me fully-functional again.

Personally or socially... I feel adrift, incompetent, and fairly unattractive. Like I have no accomplishments, and nothing much to offer personally. Left idle at home, or without positive external social reinforcement, I'll tend to damp down and gnaw on myself. And I'm not fishing for compliments here... I'm stating my mindset, whether or not it matches reality. One reason that I avoid planning a social calendar during the workweek is that subconsciously I associate it with this mindset. Brian-the-scientist doesn't want to think about turning back into Brian-the-geek, come Friday evening, or the possibilities for failure and rejection therein. Kind of a Jekyll/Hyde flip... and at the same time, I feel internally compelled to go out and find friends and be social. I can't just hide away until Monday morning.

Another realization, coming out of a 2-hour-long chat with my dear friend EA, is that my courting behaviors, manners, and attitudes are much closer to what girls are apparently taught than boys. I wait for the other person to make the first move. I dislike pursuing... I worry about harrassing or annoying women if I show much interest. I'd much rather wait until someone shows some signs of interest, then reciprocate. All of my five past-and-present sweeties kissed me first, probably after running out of patience (wry smile). [profile] patgreene claims that I moved first, but she's wrong ;-).

The same thing is true of casual touching... even with partners or close friends. I don't want to seem forward, or make the other person uncomfortable. I almost never reach for anyone. If someone takes my hand, fine, then I can safely assume that that level of touch is welcomed from then onward. But if I touch a woman who doesn't want my touch, I'm a bad person, a boor.

Even in the bedroom... I'm reluctant to be demanding or to impose anything on my partners... so I don't approach my partners unless they first seem interested themselves. Even if I'm really frustrated, myself. Unless I'm running out of time on an LDR visit... (reminisce).

Inculcated belief structure: approaching is aggressive. Aggression is bad...

EA's response was that she was confused, that these are things that women are often taught in this culture... and teasingly asked me what gender I was born ;-).
jay: (sunglasses)
Charming. This morning, I have an email from the FAA, with an agenda and directions to a meeting in downtown Washington, DC in one week's time (8/25), meeting with DoD and the TSA folks regarding aviation system-wide information management (SWIM), a new project. I'm on the agenda. This is the first actual date and place I've seen for this meeting. And I already have travel orders to go to Houston 8/25-27 to a drill design review at JSC. So I've just forwarded the FAA message to my management with a modification request, to send me to Houston via DC, leaving here Sunday.

On top of that confusion, I still don't know if I'm going to Cleveland tomorrow. JL wants me there to defend SWIM's budget against the depredations of the airborne communications and navigation folks. My local management says they are out of travel money for FY03 and that that meeting isn't a priority for them anyway. I'm caught in-between. They may toss the decision to me by offering to fund either the Cleveland or Houston trip, leaving me to decide which program manager/PI to cheese-off...

So, it's Monday morning, and I don't know whether I'm going to Cleveland tomorrow, DC on Sunday, Houston on Monday evening, or which subset of the above. Or all of them... someone will authorize something by the end of the day, I'll take my orders and go. Or not, depending...
jay: (Default)
Travel update... I'm not going to Cleveland, but I am going to Washington, DC on Sunday and then to Houston on Monday.

May 2009

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