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Casual touch boundaries
Feb. 17th, 2004 05:48 pmAfter lunch with a friend today, I contemplated casual touch boundaries, and how I tend to morph my behavior to fit what I think the other person(s) want, or don't want. I unconsciously mirror body language -- engaged, disengaged, enthusiastic, defensive -- and do the same thing as regards casual touching. I'm emphatically not referring to sexually-charged touches, here, although some of the same issues apply in that area.
One realization is that casual touch is for me a means of reinforcing trust and non-hostility... if not a literal handshake, then it may be a fleeting finger-squeeze. Or a tiny passing caress to the forearm, in passing. For scary or hard discussions, it helps me a lot to be able to put an arm around the shoulder or hold a hand. And leaning my head briefly on someone's shoulder, or giving a passing sideways hug, are both great stress-reducers for me afterwards. I feel more relaxed and more myself, somehow.
One way that I can get quite frustrated and inhibited is when I'm around closer friends who happen to have restrictive touch boundaries... when I'm close enough emotionally to them to have stressful discussions at times, but I can't assuage my stress or gain reassurance through touch. Then my level of tension often builds and builds through a conversation. Other folks feel my tension and may reflexively tighten their own boundaries and distance themselves, thus making the cycle worse for me. It can go back and forth several times, until I leave a conversation wound tightly and feeling unlike my usual self.
This isn't just in one-on-one situations, either... I'm prone to a similar reaction at social events. Get me stressed at a social gathering, with no one I can touch in the vicinity, and either I'll wither and withdraw to a corner or express the latent stress through angry or defiant interactions. Conversely, the best thing that can happen to me at a party is for someone to cuddle me at the start... I relax, I open up, others open to me, and it is much more pleasant.
But it has occurred to me that while I'm wary of treading on others' casual touching boundaries, friends are likely to be quite wary of mine -- especially if I seem often repressed or tense. So, for the record, any of the casual touches mentioned above are OK with me as a general default, without needing to ask me for permission. Common sense prevails -- if I'm lifting a TV set, don't choose that moment to give me a backrub -- but assume that if I'm not in the mood for any of the above, I'll tell you kindly, otherwise feel free to approach me as one wishes. Really. :-)
One realization is that casual touch is for me a means of reinforcing trust and non-hostility... if not a literal handshake, then it may be a fleeting finger-squeeze. Or a tiny passing caress to the forearm, in passing. For scary or hard discussions, it helps me a lot to be able to put an arm around the shoulder or hold a hand. And leaning my head briefly on someone's shoulder, or giving a passing sideways hug, are both great stress-reducers for me afterwards. I feel more relaxed and more myself, somehow.
One way that I can get quite frustrated and inhibited is when I'm around closer friends who happen to have restrictive touch boundaries... when I'm close enough emotionally to them to have stressful discussions at times, but I can't assuage my stress or gain reassurance through touch. Then my level of tension often builds and builds through a conversation. Other folks feel my tension and may reflexively tighten their own boundaries and distance themselves, thus making the cycle worse for me. It can go back and forth several times, until I leave a conversation wound tightly and feeling unlike my usual self.
This isn't just in one-on-one situations, either... I'm prone to a similar reaction at social events. Get me stressed at a social gathering, with no one I can touch in the vicinity, and either I'll wither and withdraw to a corner or express the latent stress through angry or defiant interactions. Conversely, the best thing that can happen to me at a party is for someone to cuddle me at the start... I relax, I open up, others open to me, and it is much more pleasant.
But it has occurred to me that while I'm wary of treading on others' casual touching boundaries, friends are likely to be quite wary of mine -- especially if I seem often repressed or tense. So, for the record, any of the casual touches mentioned above are OK with me as a general default, without needing to ask me for permission. Common sense prevails -- if I'm lifting a TV set, don't choose that moment to give me a backrub -- but assume that if I'm not in the mood for any of the above, I'll tell you kindly, otherwise feel free to approach me as one wishes. Really. :-)
