![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Networked reactions to external trauma
I was shocked by something that happened elsewhere to dear friends recently. They didn't deserve to be in the situation they're in... as I've watched that unfold, I've contemplated the reactions of the people around them (lower-c "community") and examined my own feelings.
My own feelings... shock, initial disbelief, anger, protectiveness -- were predictable. There are community issues possibly at stake ("is this discriminatory or biased"?), there are personal fears ("could this happen to me, too?") there is a sense of outrage ("what did they do to *you*, whoever-you-are?"), and aggrieved injustice ("there's no reason for this, and now look at the adverse effects! That's not fair!") and projecting ("anyone that attacks my friends will have to deal with me, too!"). I was ready to run out and join a posse to drive away the raiders or cattle rustlers... this kind of response would make sense from a tribal, evolutionary perspective. When someone's home or crops or livestock is harmed, the neighbors rush together to collectively drive away the threat, even putting themselves at risk. It makes sense... and given the response, being given a chance to actually help with something is an outlet, actually a relief :-). I've seen people act similarly (on both sides) around hospitalizations and funerals.
I don't mean to devalue the power of love, friendship, or compassion... if anything, I think that emotional bonds motivate and amplify my response. I'm much more likely to react this viscerally when, say, a sibling or partner or close friend is threatened than when I hear about similar trouble plaguing an acquaintenance, probably because the backflow up those emotional bonds is less in the latter case.
So in some sense, I feel there's a symbiotic, reinforcing dynamic around traumatic or grief-stricken situations. When people offer to help, bring meals, do small comforting things, send flowers... they are acting out of compassion and love. But it's not just a one-way flow towards the stricken... by accepting offers, meals, companionship, tokens, etc. they are obviously helped tangibly -- but they are also doing a service in return by providing an outlet for those in their network to work out their threat-response and express their own feelings.
Which by implication, to me says that it is good for the stricken members to allow as many different people in their network as possible to help in some way, distributing the assistance opportunities broadly among volunteers -- in some strange way like one might distribute invitations to a social event -- building up a network, strengthening ties, consoling on all sides. Wakes now make much more sense to me, as they can implement this dynamic explicitly.
Another example, on a smaller scale... once I was working on something and heard a friend sobbing. Concerned, I glanced in the next room and saw that the friend was being comforted by zir partner. I was edgy, nonetheless, feeling unable to help... later, after the friend emerged, calmed and in control of zir's emotions, I asked to give zir a hug. On the surface, that might appear as a "comfort the sad friend" action... but again it was two-directional. Said friend probably benefited from the hug, but it allowed me to reassure myself that zir was now OK, and discharge a lot of pent-up tension that I'd been carrying while zir had been crying nearby. *I* felt much better, afterwards... a win-win.
My own feelings... shock, initial disbelief, anger, protectiveness -- were predictable. There are community issues possibly at stake ("is this discriminatory or biased"?), there are personal fears ("could this happen to me, too?") there is a sense of outrage ("what did they do to *you*, whoever-you-are?"), and aggrieved injustice ("there's no reason for this, and now look at the adverse effects! That's not fair!") and projecting ("anyone that attacks my friends will have to deal with me, too!"). I was ready to run out and join a posse to drive away the raiders or cattle rustlers... this kind of response would make sense from a tribal, evolutionary perspective. When someone's home or crops or livestock is harmed, the neighbors rush together to collectively drive away the threat, even putting themselves at risk. It makes sense... and given the response, being given a chance to actually help with something is an outlet, actually a relief :-). I've seen people act similarly (on both sides) around hospitalizations and funerals.
I don't mean to devalue the power of love, friendship, or compassion... if anything, I think that emotional bonds motivate and amplify my response. I'm much more likely to react this viscerally when, say, a sibling or partner or close friend is threatened than when I hear about similar trouble plaguing an acquaintenance, probably because the backflow up those emotional bonds is less in the latter case.
So in some sense, I feel there's a symbiotic, reinforcing dynamic around traumatic or grief-stricken situations. When people offer to help, bring meals, do small comforting things, send flowers... they are acting out of compassion and love. But it's not just a one-way flow towards the stricken... by accepting offers, meals, companionship, tokens, etc. they are obviously helped tangibly -- but they are also doing a service in return by providing an outlet for those in their network to work out their threat-response and express their own feelings.
Which by implication, to me says that it is good for the stricken members to allow as many different people in their network as possible to help in some way, distributing the assistance opportunities broadly among volunteers -- in some strange way like one might distribute invitations to a social event -- building up a network, strengthening ties, consoling on all sides. Wakes now make much more sense to me, as they can implement this dynamic explicitly.
Another example, on a smaller scale... once I was working on something and heard a friend sobbing. Concerned, I glanced in the next room and saw that the friend was being comforted by zir partner. I was edgy, nonetheless, feeling unable to help... later, after the friend emerged, calmed and in control of zir's emotions, I asked to give zir a hug. On the surface, that might appear as a "comfort the sad friend" action... but again it was two-directional. Said friend probably benefited from the hug, but it allowed me to reassure myself that zir was now OK, and discharge a lot of pent-up tension that I'd been carrying while zir had been crying nearby. *I* felt much better, afterwards... a win-win.