Questions about being a parent
Mar. 24th, 2002 04:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayA couple of days ago, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hopeforyou asked her male readers for their feedback on gender socialization and expectations regarding becoming (or being) parents.
Boldface indicate'shopeforyou's questions:
1) When you were growing up, did you ever think about getting married and having children?
Sometimes I thought about it, but not often I wondered what it would be like to have kids of my own. Actual practice and logistics werent considered. But it was a later-in-life priority, after college and graduate school. Parental and social pressure were all "there will be time for that later." Plus, as a geeky, social-outcast teenager, I couldnt imagine finding anyone that would be willing to date me, let alone have children with me ;-).
2) Did your parents* ever say something to you like, "Someday you'll grow up and have kids of your own"?
My mother did, but not my father. Generally in the context of escaping justification, as in Someday youll have kids of your own and youll understand [inexplicable attitude or activity].
3) Did your parents* ever ask you to watch younger siblings or relatives? How did you like it?
At age 15, my mother went back to work outside the home. I was responsible for my younger siblings after school (ages 11 and 13), housecleaning, and for cooking the familys dinner most nights. As the oldest, this simply reinforced my attitude of divinely-granted hegemony over my smaller, younger siblings.
4) If you have been married/in long-term partnership, did your parents* ever ask you if you planned on having children?
Yes, over and over and over from my mother after a while, it became a running joke. My primary and I began saying to her in a few years -- which lengthened the more often the queries came. It didnt help that (a) we were the only legally-married offspring, and (b) the oldest, and (c) my mothers older sisters already all had 4-10 grandchildren. One aunt became a great-grandmother before my mother had more than one grandchild (thanks to a teenage unplanned pregnancy). It wasnt a male-family-side exertion of pressure, it was very much female-side being ribbed that shed never have any grandchildren, or would be in a nursing home first. My uncles didnt seem to care much either way.
5) Have you:
a) thought about being a parent before you found (a) serious partner(s)?
Yes, as above, but it seemed remote. Before I found a serious partner, I was a virgin (into my 20s). It would have been rather presumptuous to think much about being a parent when no one wanted to be near me in the first place the whole area was just too depressing to contemplate.
b) thought about being a parent since you have had (a) serious partner(s)?
Since I have three children now, I contemplate it frequently, both in terms of day-to-day necessities and meta-level significance.
As far as having more children goes Im doubtful. Very unlikely with my primary, possible but unlikely with other current or future partners. At the same time, if a birth control failure occurred, my own preference (with any partner) would be to continue a given pregnancy.
c) not really thought about being a parent until I asked just now?
No
d) thought about it before you found (a) serious partner(s) and don't want kid(s)?
No
e) thought about it after you found (a) serious partner(s) and don't want kid(s)?
No
6) Why do or why don't you want to be a parent?
At one level Im well-equipped for raising children. I love dealing with infants (I was a house-husband for the first 4 months after James was born), I have a strong nurturing impulse, a steady and secure job (and hence can provide material things), and intellectual curiosity and knowledge that I can impart to kids. Teaching is fun. ;-) Besides, someone has to engender and raise the next generation, and Im in better circumstances than most. It shouldnt be left only to members of the religious right
At another, more personal level having and raising children is a fundamental human experience. It changes ones outlook in sharp and subtle ways. In its own way, it is as least as life-altering as, say, learning to read. And granted, one can be a parent without being a biological parent. Although it is fascinating to watch the genetic interplay, to trace behaviors and features back to parents, grandparents and other relatives as a child develops. And yes, one of the kids has red hair ;-).
There are for me also faint elements of running a really big, expensive, 20-year science project. When my primary was pregnant, each time I compiled a weekly database of her weight, diameter, mood, and bouts of nausea, comparing later with previous pregnancies (grin).
At the same time, I appreciate my parents much better after having to confront similar issues and decisions. There are issues that I understand better now, just as my mother predicted.
Finally, children are people people that one is responsible for, granted, but also dear friends with their own likes, dislikes, quirks, talents, and favored activities. The emotional depth of love and bonding with ones children is as deep as with a long-term primary I would not have wanted to miss knowing them. Or the changes theyve brought about in my life.
hopeforyou asked her male readers for their feedback on gender socialization and expectations regarding becoming (or being) parents. Boldface indicate's
hopeforyou's questions:1) When you were growing up, did you ever think about getting married and having children?
Sometimes I thought about it, but not often I wondered what it would be like to have kids of my own. Actual practice and logistics werent considered. But it was a later-in-life priority, after college and graduate school. Parental and social pressure were all "there will be time for that later." Plus, as a geeky, social-outcast teenager, I couldnt imagine finding anyone that would be willing to date me, let alone have children with me ;-).
2) Did your parents* ever say something to you like, "Someday you'll grow up and have kids of your own"?
My mother did, but not my father. Generally in the context of escaping justification, as in Someday youll have kids of your own and youll understand [inexplicable attitude or activity].
3) Did your parents* ever ask you to watch younger siblings or relatives? How did you like it?
At age 15, my mother went back to work outside the home. I was responsible for my younger siblings after school (ages 11 and 13), housecleaning, and for cooking the familys dinner most nights. As the oldest, this simply reinforced my attitude of divinely-granted hegemony over my smaller, younger siblings.
4) If you have been married/in long-term partnership, did your parents* ever ask you if you planned on having children?
Yes, over and over and over from my mother after a while, it became a running joke. My primary and I began saying to her in a few years -- which lengthened the more often the queries came. It didnt help that (a) we were the only legally-married offspring, and (b) the oldest, and (c) my mothers older sisters already all had 4-10 grandchildren. One aunt became a great-grandmother before my mother had more than one grandchild (thanks to a teenage unplanned pregnancy). It wasnt a male-family-side exertion of pressure, it was very much female-side being ribbed that shed never have any grandchildren, or would be in a nursing home first. My uncles didnt seem to care much either way.
5) Have you:
a) thought about being a parent before you found (a) serious partner(s)?
Yes, as above, but it seemed remote. Before I found a serious partner, I was a virgin (into my 20s). It would have been rather presumptuous to think much about being a parent when no one wanted to be near me in the first place the whole area was just too depressing to contemplate.
b) thought about being a parent since you have had (a) serious partner(s)?
Since I have three children now, I contemplate it frequently, both in terms of day-to-day necessities and meta-level significance.
As far as having more children goes Im doubtful. Very unlikely with my primary, possible but unlikely with other current or future partners. At the same time, if a birth control failure occurred, my own preference (with any partner) would be to continue a given pregnancy.
c) not really thought about being a parent until I asked just now?
No
d) thought about it before you found (a) serious partner(s) and don't want kid(s)?
No
e) thought about it after you found (a) serious partner(s) and don't want kid(s)?
No
6) Why do or why don't you want to be a parent?
At one level Im well-equipped for raising children. I love dealing with infants (I was a house-husband for the first 4 months after James was born), I have a strong nurturing impulse, a steady and secure job (and hence can provide material things), and intellectual curiosity and knowledge that I can impart to kids. Teaching is fun. ;-) Besides, someone has to engender and raise the next generation, and Im in better circumstances than most. It shouldnt be left only to members of the religious right
At another, more personal level having and raising children is a fundamental human experience. It changes ones outlook in sharp and subtle ways. In its own way, it is as least as life-altering as, say, learning to read. And granted, one can be a parent without being a biological parent. Although it is fascinating to watch the genetic interplay, to trace behaviors and features back to parents, grandparents and other relatives as a child develops. And yes, one of the kids has red hair ;-).
There are for me also faint elements of running a really big, expensive, 20-year science project. When my primary was pregnant, each time I compiled a weekly database of her weight, diameter, mood, and bouts of nausea, comparing later with previous pregnancies (grin).
At the same time, I appreciate my parents much better after having to confront similar issues and decisions. There are issues that I understand better now, just as my mother predicted.
Finally, children are people people that one is responsible for, granted, but also dear friends with their own likes, dislikes, quirks, talents, and favored activities. The emotional depth of love and bonding with ones children is as deep as with a long-term primary I would not have wanted to miss knowing them. Or the changes theyve brought about in my life.
