I feel like my internal responses should be irrelevant to a given request -- external circumstances should decide.
Isn't that like the textbook definition of co-dependency?
If I say "no", I've just closed a door for them, as well as rejected them and implied that their needs are/were a lower priority for me than whatever else I'm doing then.
Wow! That's a lot of baggage to stuff into such a little word.
I'm not asking about promises. Or obligations. I'm asking only about disappointment. You've described at length how much importance the disappointment others might feel from your saying no to them - do you consider the ways in which others may feel disappointed when you say yes to a request?
(constructing a hypothetical example from real life events...) For example - when last week you chose to spend the evening helping a friend instead of popping in over that the DHP (yes, I know that due to the presence of the_ogre you weren't going to turn up anyway... let's ignore that for now...) - did you consider the people looking forward to seeing you at the DHP who were disappointed at not seeing you because of the yes you gave to help a friend for the evening? mertuil comes immediately to mind as someone that expressed disappointment at that turn of events.
I'd rather avoid the validation though others' expectations topic entirely but it seems a front for exploring disappointment and obligation that you're at least receptive to.
Do you see how that is a self propagating cycle? Among people you know for whom this is not the case - that requests are not burdensome obligations there isn't generally an issue here. However, when you make your requests a dire matter - that are overloaded with obligation, identity, rejection, etc - you make it hard for them to address your requests one way or the other. And in doing so heighten your sense of personal stake in those requests.
It makes it hard on others - not just for asserting your world-view and values over their decision making process, but also in obligating them as considerate people to base their decision in part on how that world-view may lead to you over-reacting to whatever response they choose.
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Date: 2004-04-18 08:48 pm (UTC)Isn't that like the textbook definition of co-dependency?
If I say "no", I've just closed a door for them, as well as rejected them and implied that their needs are/were a lower priority for me than whatever else I'm doing then.
Wow! That's a lot of baggage to stuff into such a little word.
I'm not asking about promises. Or obligations. I'm asking only about disappointment. You've described at length how much importance the disappointment others might feel from your saying no to them - do you consider the ways in which others may feel disappointed when you say yes to a request?
(constructing a hypothetical example from real life events...) For example - when last week you chose to spend the evening helping a friend instead of popping in over that the DHP (yes, I know that due to the presence of
I'd rather avoid the validation though others' expectations topic entirely but it seems a front for exploring disappointment and obligation that you're at least receptive to.
Do you see how that is a self propagating cycle? Among people you know for whom this is not the case - that requests are not burdensome obligations there isn't generally an issue here.
However, when you make your requests a dire matter - that are overloaded with obligation, identity, rejection, etc - you make it hard for them to address your requests one way or the other. And in doing so heighten your sense of personal stake in those requests.
It makes it hard on others - not just for asserting your world-view and values over their decision making process, but also in obligating them as considerate people to base their decision in part on how that world-view may lead to you over-reacting to whatever response they choose.