It depends on whether or not they know what you're doing, and are OK with it. If they are, fine. Otherwise it's using them without their knowledge or consent.
Lets take a reasonable example. I'm over here, and I need a lift to somewhere. You volunteer, and drive me over. Now, on it's face, that's a neutral situation. I get a ride, you get to feel good about having done something for me if that makes you feel good.
But if you were denying yourself something you wanted to do, like going out to a party, I'd probably tell you to go off to the party and that I'd find a lift elsewhere. If I really needed you, I'd probably feel a bit bad that you sacrificed something to help me out.
Worst case would be that you picked me up, didn't go to the party, and didn't tell me. At that point, despite you having done something for me, I'd be pissed off at not having the option to decline the lift because you going to the party might be something I didn't want to interfere with. I've got an expectation that friends will let me know about these things, and a right to say no if I choose to do that.
If it were something minor that you were denying yourself, like ice-cream or a rest after work, I'd be less inclined to expect to know about it, and not pissed that you didn't tell me. I'd probably be grateful, and also feel a bit bad at having put you out when you wanted rest though.
It's all a matter of scale, and consideration for other people's feelings. Does this make sense?
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Date: 2004-04-16 06:44 pm (UTC)Lets take a reasonable example. I'm over here, and I need a lift to somewhere. You volunteer, and drive me over. Now, on it's face, that's a neutral situation. I get a ride, you get to feel good about having done something for me if that makes you feel good.
But if you were denying yourself something you wanted to do, like going out to a party, I'd probably tell you to go off to the party and that I'd find a lift elsewhere. If I really needed you, I'd probably feel a bit bad that you sacrificed something to help me out.
Worst case would be that you picked me up, didn't go to the party, and didn't tell me. At that point, despite you having done something for me, I'd be pissed off at not having the option to decline the lift because you going to the party might be something I didn't want to interfere with. I've got an expectation that friends will let me know about these things, and a right to say no if I choose to do that.
If it were something minor that you were denying yourself, like ice-cream or a rest after work, I'd be less inclined to expect to know about it, and not pissed that you didn't tell me. I'd probably be grateful, and also feel a bit bad at having put you out when you wanted rest though.
It's all a matter of scale, and consideration for other people's feelings. Does this make sense?