My best birthday ever...
Jul. 18th, 2004 02:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayAnd it isn't actually until Thursday, when I'll be in Edmonton ;-).
There were a few things that had made me wonder, admittedly... some expenses, themarsbird account, p3aches's insistence that I should go with James yesterday. A reference that akienm had made last month, in passing...
But yesterday, when I walked around the corner, holding David's hand when he said "Look, there's Mom!"... I looked up, and froze. Fifty people jumped up and shouted "Happy birthday!". I was dumbstruck, at a loss for words for minutes afterward. Probably dazed for an hour ;-).
One lesson from this birthday... my default assumptions need to be revisited periodically. However the ways that I've been burned in the past, clinging to negative assumptions of intent and outcome does me more harm, now, than it serves as an emotional defense. Sometimes people may conspire for me, not against ;-). I need to let that in and figuratively run my hands over its shininess and admire its existence and the possibilities of light shed in my life, and towards others.
Anyway... I was amazed that so many friends would come together at a party in my honor. I was amazed to have a birthday party (I'd never had one, even as a kid), and I was amazed at the surprise. Honored, flattered, liked, loved... wow. Filled with amazement and happiness and a gee-whiz sort of warmth, in the cool breezes blowing towards the marina at Coyote Point.
And then there were more shocks... as whengeekchick stepped out from behind a group of people. My jaw dropped, again... she had told me that she was on vacation in Boston, and I'd been calling her and sending SMS messages for days when she'd been only a few miles away. Then I saw Nancy, there with Dave... (shakes head) amazing. Both of my LDR sweeties had flown in for the occasion, with their spouses/primaries. Just as startling was that treacle_well was there... I hadn't seen her since APC9, and she'd flown in from Boston for this? (goggle)
My local friends, my communities... I was very, very happy to see so many people that I'm fond of in one place at one time. And to introduce friends to each other. And to watch the children play together... we had a dozen kids present. Different social circles, different communities, orientations, geographic locations... the rainbow on the birthday cake was fitting, just so. And I could embrace that, and all of my friends there, and that's both indicative of how much I really must be loved and appreciated, as well as a marker of how I've grown... ten years ago, some of my closest friends now would have probably seemed scary or just too strange ;-).
The gifts... awww, that wasn't necessary. Thanks! All of the booze and sweets will be undoubtedly appreciated not only by me, but by my colleagues in tents over the next few weeks. And I'll take Cathy's book to a quiet place, somewhere.
patgreene ... I never expected her to organize anything on my behalf, never expected her to host a party of any sort and would never have thought that she could keep anything a secret. Was I ever wrong, on all counts! (sheepish grin) I've radically underestimated both her organizational skills and exactly how far she'd go to express her love. I didn't deserve this, coming from her part... we've had a lot of struggling, both over the past few years and the past two months, and much of it has been my fault. And I've been blind to much of what she can give, or wanted to give... past time for me to open my eyes, let that in, and accept her competence and love and dedication. Wow.
And she delegated, when she needed to do so... calling onp3aches and kokoro43 for help (they'd contemplated organizing something themselves, and then combined forces with Pat) with logistics and strategizing with dawnd. I'm grateful for their loving gesture, as well as my other friends who helped set up, clean up afterwards and cook (ag_unicorn was masterful on the grill, again ;).
Pat was selfless... she said "not what I want, dear, but what will make you happiest... it's your birthday party, not mine." That included extending the invitation list to people she didn't know, and even to folks around which she is/was less comfortable for various reasons. And all of the people I've ever dated were there... all at once, in one place. This may never happen again... but it is remarkable that it happened at all. Not only because of distance or effort (like Julie driving two hours with her kids, or Barbara happening to be in town from New Mexico, or the LDRs) but because Pat and I have been struggling at times recently, I've given her reasons to be angry, and yet she was able to open her heart to welcome everyone in, because of her love for me.
That was another shock, yesterday. A happy one, like all the others. (And I was surprised and pleased to see thattenacious_snail changed her mind and attended. :)
One nice thing about being the guest of honor, at a public-space party... I could give and receive lots of hugs and a few modest kisses, and be relaxed and natural about it (not fretting about inadvertently stepping on boundaries ;).
After the party broke up, I went home and came down a bit and washed up... thenpatgreene and I had dinner with C. and geekchick, before finishing the evening with a late soak with Nancy and Dave at Watercourse Way. :)
Thanks to everyone who attended, everyone who wished me well, hugged me, talked to me, shared how their lives were going with me, fed me things, gave me things... the acts of service, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and words of recognition. All of it, tied up in one balloon-hoisted blue ribbon. :D
Photos will be posted later... ;-)
There were a few things that had made me wonder, admittedly... some expenses, the
marsbird account, p3aches's insistence that I should go with James yesterday. A reference that akienm had made last month, in passing... But yesterday, when I walked around the corner, holding David's hand when he said "Look, there's Mom!"... I looked up, and froze. Fifty people jumped up and shouted "Happy birthday!". I was dumbstruck, at a loss for words for minutes afterward. Probably dazed for an hour ;-).
One lesson from this birthday... my default assumptions need to be revisited periodically. However the ways that I've been burned in the past, clinging to negative assumptions of intent and outcome does me more harm, now, than it serves as an emotional defense. Sometimes people may conspire for me, not against ;-). I need to let that in and figuratively run my hands over its shininess and admire its existence and the possibilities of light shed in my life, and towards others.
Anyway... I was amazed that so many friends would come together at a party in my honor. I was amazed to have a birthday party (I'd never had one, even as a kid), and I was amazed at the surprise. Honored, flattered, liked, loved... wow. Filled with amazement and happiness and a gee-whiz sort of warmth, in the cool breezes blowing towards the marina at Coyote Point.
And then there were more shocks... as when
geekchick stepped out from behind a group of people. My jaw dropped, again... she had told me that she was on vacation in Boston, and I'd been calling her and sending SMS messages for days when she'd been only a few miles away. Then I saw Nancy, there with Dave... (shakes head) amazing. Both of my LDR sweeties had flown in for the occasion, with their spouses/primaries. Just as startling was that treacle_well was there... I hadn't seen her since APC9, and she'd flown in from Boston for this? (goggle)My local friends, my communities... I was very, very happy to see so many people that I'm fond of in one place at one time. And to introduce friends to each other. And to watch the children play together... we had a dozen kids present. Different social circles, different communities, orientations, geographic locations... the rainbow on the birthday cake was fitting, just so. And I could embrace that, and all of my friends there, and that's both indicative of how much I really must be loved and appreciated, as well as a marker of how I've grown... ten years ago, some of my closest friends now would have probably seemed scary or just too strange ;-).
The gifts... awww, that wasn't necessary. Thanks! All of the booze and sweets will be undoubtedly appreciated not only by me, but by my colleagues in tents over the next few weeks. And I'll take Cathy's book to a quiet place, somewhere.
patgreene ... I never expected her to organize anything on my behalf, never expected her to host a party of any sort and would never have thought that she could keep anything a secret. Was I ever wrong, on all counts! (sheepish grin) I've radically underestimated both her organizational skills and exactly how far she'd go to express her love. I didn't deserve this, coming from her part... we've had a lot of struggling, both over the past few years and the past two months, and much of it has been my fault. And I've been blind to much of what she can give, or wanted to give... past time for me to open my eyes, let that in, and accept her competence and love and dedication. Wow. And she delegated, when she needed to do so... calling on
p3aches and kokoro43 for help (they'd contemplated organizing something themselves, and then combined forces with Pat) with logistics and strategizing with dawnd. I'm grateful for their loving gesture, as well as my other friends who helped set up, clean up afterwards and cook (ag_unicorn was masterful on the grill, again ;). Pat was selfless... she said "not what I want, dear, but what will make you happiest... it's your birthday party, not mine." That included extending the invitation list to people she didn't know, and even to folks around which she is/was less comfortable for various reasons. And all of the people I've ever dated were there... all at once, in one place. This may never happen again... but it is remarkable that it happened at all. Not only because of distance or effort (like Julie driving two hours with her kids, or Barbara happening to be in town from New Mexico, or the LDRs) but because Pat and I have been struggling at times recently, I've given her reasons to be angry, and yet she was able to open her heart to welcome everyone in, because of her love for me.
That was another shock, yesterday. A happy one, like all the others. (And I was surprised and pleased to see that
tenacious_snail changed her mind and attended. :)One nice thing about being the guest of honor, at a public-space party... I could give and receive lots of hugs and a few modest kisses, and be relaxed and natural about it (not fretting about inadvertently stepping on boundaries ;).
After the party broke up, I went home and came down a bit and washed up... then
patgreene and I had dinner with C. and geekchick, before finishing the evening with a late soak with Nancy and Dave at Watercourse Way. :) Thanks to everyone who attended, everyone who wished me well, hugged me, talked to me, shared how their lives were going with me, fed me things, gave me things... the acts of service, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and words of recognition. All of it, tied up in one balloon-hoisted blue ribbon. :D
Photos will be posted later... ;-)
