Jealousy, particularly in polyamorous settings and groups, seems to me to be an attribute that no one wants to admit... the closest thing to labelling a "bad" emotion. But it is commonplace, IMO... and possibly rational.
To be honest, it was hard for me to get past that, as it is, from the outset, fallacious. Either you've read or heard me say I get jealous sometimes, or you haven't been paying attention. I can promise you joedecker gets jealous. I can think of one other person in a happy, successful poly relationship who's admitted jealousy in public fora -- either LJ or in person, probably near you -- but don't know whether she'd want me to name names. I might point her at this post, though. And I know plenty of other people, too. It is commonplace, rational, and though some people at an extreme end of the spectrum think of it as "bad" or possessive, lots of people see it as normal. You're getting your data from a non-representative sample.
Suppose A has an existing long-term relationship with B, and then B begins developing a new interest in C. Assume that A,B, and C are all reasonably busy people with other career and relationship commitments filling out their respective schedules, so there isn't lots of slack available. Love may be infinite, but time and energy are finite resources. Reasonably, A can expect that B's new energy and time going into developing a relationship (or friendship) with C will come from somewhere -- probably drawn from several places, including the relationship between A--B. Unless A is secretly looking to withdraw from or dump B, A will see this reduced time and energy from B as a loss, with a concomitant gain for C.
This makes sense to me only if A and B are at the minimal overlap of their needs for each other's time and energy. Imagine if I wanted to hang out with, say, deyo for 10-20 hours a week, and he wanted to hang out with me for 15-25 hours a week. If we're consistently getting 15 or so, there's plenty of room for slack within the 15-20 range. Sometimes he'll get a little more of me, sometimes less. Sometimes I'll have less free time, sometimes more. But if we're consistenly in the 20 hours a week zone, then there's not so much room for slack, as any time away from him will take him outside of what he needs from me. In my experience, the most success I've had with time management has been when my partner and I have a wide overlap.
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Date: 2004-10-18 04:13 pm (UTC)To be honest, it was hard for me to get past that, as it is, from the outset, fallacious. Either you've read or heard me say I get jealous sometimes, or you haven't been paying attention. I can promise you
Suppose A has an existing long-term relationship with B, and then B begins developing a new interest in C. Assume that A,B, and C are all reasonably busy people with other career and relationship commitments filling out their respective schedules, so there isn't lots of slack available. Love may be infinite, but time and energy are finite resources. Reasonably, A can expect that B's new energy and time going into developing a relationship (or friendship) with C will come from somewhere -- probably drawn from several places, including the relationship between A--B. Unless A is secretly looking to withdraw from or dump B, A will see this reduced time and energy from B as a loss, with a concomitant gain for C.
This makes sense to me only if A and B are at the minimal overlap of their needs for each other's time and energy. Imagine if I wanted to hang out with, say,