I get the sense that you're only seeing what you're looking for
are if C brings something positive to A's network... making B happier or relieving A of the burden of going clothes-shopping with B, say. Or if adding C adds resources (season tickets? social connections? different viewpoints?) to the local area network. Or perhaps, given a poly network, if C develops some connection to A as well.
There's no real response to this, as it depends on your foregone conclusions.
I'm open to being convinced otherwise, but I could see jealousy as a frequent-but-rational response. For poly people, I view it as a kind of dues-paying... gritting one's teeth and letting one's partners go, in exchange for the right to do likewise if one so chose. A given net loss, balanced by one's own possible future net gains in new relationships and friendships.
I don't really consider jealousy to be a bad thing, either. When I get jealous, it's sometimes because I see the other person as getting something I'm missing out on. But he's not a mindreader, he doesn't know what I think I'm missing out on. When I express it, as I've done recently, we take steps to alleviate it, and it gets better. For instance, he was going out on dates with his new partner, but all of our relationship time for awhile seemed practical: shopping, visiting his mom (which is fun! but practical), talking while we got ready for work. That time is nice, but I was missing out on date time without other obligations. This started as jealousy, but once I figured out what I needed, I expressed it, and now we have two full nights a week that are planned date nights, though they're flexible with negotiation. Sometimes we cuddle on the sofa and watch a DVD, sometimes we make and eat a nice dinner together, sometimes we take the dog to the park then go out for burgers. (This is DJ's preferred date night activity.) Because one of those nights is Saturday, sometimes we go to a party together, or he says that, say, his girlfriend has a performance on Saturday and he'd like to go, would I like to come with him, or can we reschedule date night for Sunday? It's negotiable. Anyway, that's a long way to say that jealousy isn't abnormal, but it's not necessarily a burden to bear. It can also be a tool for figuring out what one needs and whether that can be negotiated.
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Date: 2004-10-18 04:14 pm (UTC)I get the sense that you're only seeing what you're looking for
are if C brings something positive to A's network... making B happier or relieving A of the burden of going clothes-shopping with B, say. Or if adding C adds resources (season tickets? social connections? different viewpoints?) to the local area network. Or perhaps, given a poly network, if C develops some connection to A as well.
There's no real response to this, as it depends on your foregone conclusions.
I'm open to being convinced otherwise, but I could see jealousy as a frequent-but-rational response. For poly people, I view it as a kind of dues-paying... gritting one's teeth and letting one's partners go, in exchange for the right to do likewise if one so chose. A given net loss, balanced by one's own possible future net gains in new relationships and friendships.
I don't really consider jealousy to be a bad thing, either. When I get jealous, it's sometimes because I see the other person as getting something I'm missing out on. But he's not a mindreader, he doesn't
know what I think I'm missing out on. When I express it, as I've done recently, we take steps to alleviate it, and it gets better. For instance, he was going out on dates with his new partner, but
all of our relationship time for awhile seemed practical: shopping, visiting his mom (which is fun! but practical), talking while we got ready for work. That time
is nice, but I was missing out on date time without other obligations. This started as jealousy, but once I figured out what I needed, I expressed it, and now we have
two full nights a week that are planned date nights, though they're flexible with negotiation. Sometimes we cuddle on the sofa and watch a DVD, sometimes we
make and eat a nice dinner together, sometimes we take the dog to the park then go out for burgers. (This is DJ's preferred date night activity.) Because one of those
nights is Saturday, sometimes we go to a party together, or he says that, say, his girlfriend has a performance on Saturday and he'd like to go, would I like to come with him, or can we reschedule date night for Sunday? It's negotiable.
Anyway, that's a long way to say that jealousy isn't abnormal, but it's not necessarily a burden to bear. It can also be a tool for figuring out what one needs and whether that can be negotiated.