*hugs* I can understand this. I have watched this with several parents and had it for a while when my eldest was younger.
But if people know what to expect and are willing to make allowances, you might have a chance to reach out some more. And if people know what to expect, nothing is there to say they can't stand with you and visit rather than expecting you to come to them when you need to be watching one of your children.
I have made it clear that even though I don't have a child with special needs there are times when they are hyper or in an environment where I need to keep a close watch and if someone(s) wants to visit with me they'll have to come over to where I am. People have been very understanding and *want* to give in that way. It costs them so little and gives us all so much.
I know, from having three, that I am constantly feeling like their activity, noise and behavior may be suspect and annoying to others. It has taken me a bit of time but I have finally realized that my friends who love me as a friend are honest with me about loving my kids, seeing their behavior as just fine and being willing to hang with me when I'm with my kids or to let me know if it is just too much for them at the moment.
Most often, my fears were far worse than anybody else's perceptions.
You won't know that till you give it a chance.
As for Brian and you, you both give and you both take. The dynamic has seemed strange from here in LJ world wherein it seems often to be done with thanks but also with begrudgement. There are always sixteen sides to every story. I'm not privy to the more private parts of your journal, but I'll gently and caringly still stand firm in that Brian needs to let go of his perception and start accepting what people say to him about being cared for and part of their circle. The more he protests these very same encouragements that he asks for, the more true they may very well become and the less often given. If he feels so much less a part of a community, he's going to have to take action to make himself and/or his family a part of that and willingly, trustingly receive that acceptance when it is given.
Finally, those obstacles you speak of as coming from you. Like I've said elsewhere, I've been a reluctant poly in the past. Sometimes still am though it is hard to tell. You have to set your boundaries. He has to set his. You both have to state your needs. And then you have to find a gentle place in between where you can both be happy. One of the blessings I have had in coyote3502 is that when I said, "here is my line" he has honored it and done his best to keep his "wistfulness" to himself till I was in a place of trust and comfortableness to be able to draw a new line. I hope that he has found that when he has asked for a boundary or a new ..... "privilege" I have honored what I could and tried to also do it graciously and allow him his space.
I do wish you both the best of luck as you sort this stuff out.
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Date: 2004-10-22 07:51 pm (UTC)But if people know what to expect and are willing to make allowances, you might have a chance to reach out some more. And if people know what to expect, nothing is there to say they can't stand with you and visit rather than expecting you to come to them when you need to be watching one of your children.
I have made it clear that even though I don't have a child with special needs there are times when they are hyper or in an environment where I need to keep a close watch and if someone(s) wants to visit with me they'll have to come over to where I am. People have been very understanding and *want* to give in that way. It costs them so little and gives us all so much.
I know, from having three, that I am constantly feeling like their activity, noise and behavior may be suspect and annoying to others. It has taken me a bit of time but I have finally realized that my friends who love me as a friend are honest with me about loving my kids, seeing their behavior as just fine and being willing to hang with me when I'm with my kids or to let me know if it is just too much for them at the moment.
Most often, my fears were far worse than anybody else's perceptions.
You won't know that till you give it a chance.
As for Brian and you, you both give and you both take. The dynamic has seemed strange from here in LJ world wherein it seems often to be done with thanks but also with begrudgement. There are always sixteen sides to every story. I'm not privy to the more private parts of your journal, but I'll gently and caringly still stand firm in that Brian needs to let go of his perception and start accepting what people say to him about being cared for and part of their circle. The more he protests these very same encouragements that he asks for, the more true they may very well become and the less often given. If he feels so much less a part of a community, he's going to have to take action to make himself and/or his family a part of that and willingly, trustingly receive that acceptance when it is given.
Finally, those obstacles you speak of as coming from you. Like I've said elsewhere, I've been a reluctant poly in the past. Sometimes still am though it is hard to tell. You have to set your boundaries. He has to set his. You both have to state your needs. And then you have to find a gentle place in between where you can both be happy. One of the blessings I have had in
I do wish you both the best of luck as you sort this stuff out.