accepting what people say to him about being cared for and part of their circle
Admittedly, that is work to really hear that and let it in.
A large part of feeling marginalized is not adhering to poly-community social norms... not dating anyone locally, no local relationship ties. Being overtly Christian in a mostly-pagan group. Not doing SF cons or renfaires. All of these things feel like invisible barriers that keep myself (and Pat, I think, but I'll let her speak for herself) on the periphery. Even if others don't necessarily see those things as barriers.
For example, at W&S last night, I get in the hot tub, where there are seven or eight people. I'm the only person sitting alone -- I had to leave in order to get a hug (wry grin). Why? I don't think I'm a pariah, rather that everyone else there then was relaxed in casual physical contact with each other -- because they'd all dated interconnectedly, or shared space at parties, or were close friends with benefits, etc. I was outside of that network, hence was not (literally) embraced in the same way. That's not whining -- I had a good time at W&S, and I respect others' boundaries, and I think I'm an attractive (and cuddly) person in my own right. But it is illustrative of the small separations -- others may be oblivious of these, but I notice them.
These underlying interconnections also, IMO, affect others' willingness to accept and help with kids and in crises. tenacious_snail actually sort of made this point when referring to A&D.
Conversely, in our church community, I'm seen as having "lifestyle issues" by our clergy, such that I'm not allowed to teach classes anymore or run for the vestry. Poly is considered far less acceptable than LGBT -- we had a lesbian Senior Warden (chair of the vestry) last year. Pat has felt at times that she's had to choose between her service in that community and staying in a relationship with me, and she is likewise no longer called upon to help there. So I feel marginalized in that community, and somewhat guilty -- not for what/who I am, but for placing Pat in a tough spot there.
Too mainstream to fit easily in poly groups, too weird to be comfortably accepted in our church -- I feel in limbo, frequently, in-between.
no subject
Admittedly, that is work to really hear that and let it in.
A large part of feeling marginalized is not adhering to poly-community social norms... not dating anyone locally, no local relationship ties. Being overtly Christian in a mostly-pagan group. Not doing SF cons or renfaires. All of these things feel like invisible barriers that keep myself (and Pat, I think, but I'll let her speak for herself) on the periphery. Even if others don't necessarily see those things as barriers.
For example, at W&S last night, I get in the hot tub, where there are seven or eight people. I'm the only person sitting alone -- I had to leave in order to get a hug (wry grin). Why? I don't think I'm a pariah, rather that everyone else there then was relaxed in casual physical contact with each other -- because they'd all dated interconnectedly, or shared space at parties, or were close friends with benefits, etc. I was outside of that network, hence was not (literally) embraced in the same way. That's not whining -- I had a good time at W&S, and I respect others' boundaries, and I think I'm an attractive (and cuddly) person in my own right. But it is illustrative of the small separations -- others may be oblivious of these, but I notice them.
These underlying interconnections also, IMO, affect others' willingness to accept and help with kids and in crises.
Conversely, in our church community, I'm seen as having "lifestyle issues" by our clergy, such that I'm not allowed to teach classes anymore or run for the vestry. Poly is considered far less acceptable than LGBT -- we had a lesbian Senior Warden (chair of the vestry) last year. Pat has felt at times that she's had to choose between her service in that community and staying in a relationship with me, and she is likewise no longer called upon to help there. So I feel marginalized in that community, and somewhat guilty -- not for what/who I am, but for placing Pat in a tough spot there.
Too mainstream to fit easily in poly groups, too weird to be comfortably accepted in our church -- I feel in limbo, frequently, in-between.