HAI Level 1...

[jay]

This weekend, I had a moment to put aside years of childhood physical beatings and verbal and sexual abuse, and those feelings of worthlessness and shame and bad body image and self-hatred and being a burden to others... and feel loved and love myself, to be a gift to others, and functional and choosing to be in the moment and engaged. And I saw other people healed... two that were so stark that I'd consider them near miraculous, considering where those people were Friday night.

I wept a few times and nearly passed out once and was overall very happy at the end of the weekend. Internal scars were ripped open and walls shattered and somehow my seven-year-old self came back and integrated with my adult self and I was grinning hugely by Sunday evening, while still lucid and reaching out to others.

The pain and self-punishment were familiar, almost unconscious... but now I know what it feels like to let in acceptance and love and feel valued. I like that better. Now I have a contrast with the old neural pathways, and a set of goals. (grin)

Thanks to especially p3aches and to dawnd for suggesting this, patgreene for calming me Friday and making it possible by holding things down at home, and for tenacious_snail and J. for sharing it all with me and being my safety net.

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

It was hard to let it in, at first. Or not hold it suspect as possibly superficial. But I think that the broader processes actually worked, even though my initial reactions to some exercises were dubious.

And while I have my scars, I realize now that I'm not exceptional -- there are lots of struggling, scarred, wounded people. Even in that room. Many had an easier time of it in the past that I did, but there were worse, too. And those people, and their resilience, were inspirational.

I love you, angel. :)