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jayIn couples counselling last night, patgreene and I talked about stress in our lives, and the really bad things happening to some of our friends, and to issues that had come up over the past week. Including the tangled communications and mutual incorrect assumptions that led to bruised feelings last Monday night. But that opened the door my looking at how I respond to approaching groups of people, generally.
I wait, hold back from groups of people until someone expressly invites me or indicates that it is OK to join the group, conversation, seating, or whatever. I can't bring myself to just walk over, and assume I'll be welcomed. I wait, standing apart (and probably seeming standoffish or distant) while often desperately wishing that someone would welcome me over.
Why is this.... unlike other behaviors which vary across social vs. work environments, this fear-of-group-approaches holds universally for me. Coming up to and joining groups of colleagues at a reception at a technical conference is just as hard as asking for a seat at a social discussion group. It isn't about self-worth, really... I feel like I have gifts to offer, or valuable perspectives.
Last night, I discovered that it appears to run deeply, back again to childhood experiences. I was a social outcast and stigmatized and bullied and physically beaten by groups. Others were afraid to associate with me, lest they suffer similarly. And I'm a natural extrovert, drawn to groups and people and socializing. So this lonely 8-10 year old kept approaching peer groups, only to be routinely be driven away with insults and abuse. Sometimes they threw rocks en masse to drive me away... literally stoning me. In junior high and high school, I wouldn't be attacked -- peers would simply dissipate when I approached, or else talk as though I was invisible. The only exception was if a friend or classmate explicitly invited me to join their discussion or group (this usually meant that they wanted help with homework ;) at which point I would be treated like a human being.
So, I have a deeply-ingrained aversion to just approaching any group, and reflexively wait for an overt invitation before joining. And assume, unconsciously, that to barge in on any social setting without an invitation is to instead invite attack or abuse.
So if I seem standoffish, or holding back... it doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with you or your friends. It may be that I really, really would like to do so... but am desperately awaiting an all-clear signal before approaching. It's about me, not you or your groups.
patgreene and I talked about stress in our lives, and the really bad things happening to some of our friends, and to issues that had come up over the past week. Including the tangled communications and mutual incorrect assumptions that led to bruised feelings last Monday night. But that opened the door my looking at how I respond to approaching groups of people, generally. I wait, hold back from groups of people until someone expressly invites me or indicates that it is OK to join the group, conversation, seating, or whatever. I can't bring myself to just walk over, and assume I'll be welcomed. I wait, standing apart (and probably seeming standoffish or distant) while often desperately wishing that someone would welcome me over.
Why is this.... unlike other behaviors which vary across social vs. work environments, this fear-of-group-approaches holds universally for me. Coming up to and joining groups of colleagues at a reception at a technical conference is just as hard as asking for a seat at a social discussion group. It isn't about self-worth, really... I feel like I have gifts to offer, or valuable perspectives.
Last night, I discovered that it appears to run deeply, back again to childhood experiences. I was a social outcast and stigmatized and bullied and physically beaten by groups. Others were afraid to associate with me, lest they suffer similarly. And I'm a natural extrovert, drawn to groups and people and socializing. So this lonely 8-10 year old kept approaching peer groups, only to be routinely be driven away with insults and abuse. Sometimes they threw rocks en masse to drive me away... literally stoning me. In junior high and high school, I wouldn't be attacked -- peers would simply dissipate when I approached, or else talk as though I was invisible. The only exception was if a friend or classmate explicitly invited me to join their discussion or group (this usually meant that they wanted help with homework ;) at which point I would be treated like a human being.
So, I have a deeply-ingrained aversion to just approaching any group, and reflexively wait for an overt invitation before joining. And assume, unconsciously, that to barge in on any social setting without an invitation is to instead invite attack or abuse.
So if I seem standoffish, or holding back... it doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with you or your friends. It may be that I really, really would like to do so... but am desperately awaiting an all-clear signal before approaching. It's about me, not you or your groups.
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Date: 2004-11-20 09:10 pm (UTC)At the same time, though, I think it's important for you to take concrete steps to overcome it rather than expecting your friends to take on the responsibility of inviting you into groups. Some people might not know how to give you an "all-clear signal" that you will understand. Others might not be very good at reading when you're looking for one. Still others might be able to read it in you, but might be looking to kick back and just relax at a party rather than taking on the responsibility of making someone else happy. And others still might sense your discomfort, feel uncomfortable as a result of it, and deliberately avoid inviting you in because they don't want to be closer to it than they already are. I know I've been in most of those positions at various times throughout my life, with different people.
One of my nearest and dearest also has social anxiety disorder, and the differences between the way she behaves now and the way she behaved when I first met her is like night and day. I know I've talked to you in the past about the kind of therapy she's undergone. The last time I brought it up, you weren't particularly receptive to the idea of therapy in general, but do you think that would be something you'd consider now? You could bring it up with your existing therapist, but I'd also think about seeing a social anxiety specialist. You can get pretty far pretty fast with certain techniques.
-J
no subject
Date: 2004-11-21 06:25 am (UTC)One way or another, to get to my desired level of functionality, I will need more individual work. So not only would I consider it, but am convinced. Specialized techniques sound interesting...
And I agree that I can't expect friends and partners to carry the burden of inviting me to join their groups -- it is my problem, my burden.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-21 02:24 pm (UTC)The therapy my dear one underwent for social anxiety was actually group therapy. I know she sent you the information before; would you like her to do so again? (I personally think that group therapy sounds like the ninth circle of hell, but I can -- unfortunately -- see how it might be important in certain kinds of social anxiety therapy.)
-J
no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 02:02 am (UTC)