Communication styles
Dec. 8th, 2005 05:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayI'm a US Southerner, both by nurture and preference in speech patterns. Communicating in Japan, even with few words, often feels more natural somehow than with New Yorkers... the flow and mutual consideration of the former seem intuitive, while the latter often seems brash and noisy and prone to attempts to dominate in conversation.
[minor deviation from current personal experiment]
On top of culture, growing up I was a low-status, weird geeky kid who was the butt of harassment and frequent physical violence from groups of other kids... I learned to try to get my message across conversationally while giving those around me as little excuse as possible to take offense. Anything perceived as assertive on my part would generate teasing and putdowns at best, getting beaten-up or stoned (hit with big rocks, not drugs) again at worst. So on top of the cultural norms, I learned to exceed them...
[end deviation]
So, in person, I'm generally coming from Pleasant, Believed, Understood, Remembered (PBUR) in all person-to-person communications. Understood is in a distant third place. I go to lengths to structure in-person conversation so to minimize the possibility of conflict, or at least to leave a face-saving way out for the other person(s). Maintaining the interpersonal relationship is far more important to me than the passing, temporal content of whatever I happen to be saying at the moment.
For me, speech stressing Understood is limited to lecturing others, as in teaching a class or giving a presentation. Other communication forms, particularly some impersonal, online forms, may also find me in a neutral balance.
Someone in a group using Understood will often come across to me as pushy or blunt, or as attempting to impose their preferences, running over everyone else's... often, I'll get wary or defensive when that form of speech is used. But I'll try to avoid conflict at my annoyance at their use of a direct, aggressive style, instead trying to smile and ignore or placate it.
[minor deviation from current personal experiment]
On top of culture, growing up I was a low-status, weird geeky kid who was the butt of harassment and frequent physical violence from groups of other kids... I learned to try to get my message across conversationally while giving those around me as little excuse as possible to take offense. Anything perceived as assertive on my part would generate teasing and putdowns at best, getting beaten-up or stoned (hit with big rocks, not drugs) again at worst. So on top of the cultural norms, I learned to exceed them...
[end deviation]
So, in person, I'm generally coming from Pleasant, Believed, Understood, Remembered (PBUR) in all person-to-person communications. Understood is in a distant third place. I go to lengths to structure in-person conversation so to minimize the possibility of conflict, or at least to leave a face-saving way out for the other person(s). Maintaining the interpersonal relationship is far more important to me than the passing, temporal content of whatever I happen to be saying at the moment.
For me, speech stressing Understood is limited to lecturing others, as in teaching a class or giving a presentation. Other communication forms, particularly some impersonal, online forms, may also find me in a neutral balance.
Someone in a group using Understood will often come across to me as pushy or blunt, or as attempting to impose their preferences, running over everyone else's... often, I'll get wary or defensive when that form of speech is used. But I'll try to avoid conflict at my annoyance at their use of a direct, aggressive style, instead trying to smile and ignore or placate it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-12-09 04:04 am (UTC)Huh. My preferred style is Understood, Believed, Remembered, Pleasant, with Pleasant being absolutely optional and definitely annoying when coming from other people.
with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 05:04 am (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 06:09 am (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 12:57 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 03:25 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 03:30 pm (UTC)I think you want to poke hard at that assumption.
I can see that there are incidents that have made this *at the time* the best working assumption for you, but *now*, it creates a situation where you're assigning high threat levels inappropriately.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 03:49 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 03:50 pm (UTC)The more "pleasant" someone is, the less trustworthy they are to me. I cannot trust them to tell me the truth, say what they mean, or be honest. I can, however, trust them to circumlocute, dodge direct questions, and sacrifice honesty for the sake of "being nice." And that's why it's annoying to me.
I'll take someone blunt, direct, and honest over someone whose first priority is being "pleasant" any day of the week, thanks.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 03:54 pm (UTC)I feel the same way about incoming communication. Someone being "pleasant" obscures the things about communication that are most important to me - it's more important, to me, to understand someone than to like them, and in fact I'll probably like them better if they make themselves very plainly understandable than if they try to be "nice" to me.
That's why it took me forever to trust Danny's mom. She's automatically Pleasant, and that's a huge turn-off for me in terms of relating to another person. I had to hold her at arm's length for a *long* time. If she'd been less Pleasant, it would not have taken me nearly as long to warm up to her.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 03:59 pm (UTC)(sorry, reposting because I'd gotten logged out without noticing.)
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:03 pm (UTC)Yes, you can be kind and personable without being Pleasant or masky, but when someone goes out of their way to be Pleasant, it sets off all my internal alarm bells. I hated visiting Alabama, and I'll never travel south of the Mason-Dixon again if I can possibly avoid it. I know plenty of people who can be nice and still be blunt and direct at the same time. Pleasant, by definition, is never blunt or direct, because it might offend someone... and without bluntness and directness, I can't be sure that what I'm being told is the truth.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:05 pm (UTC)I *don't* see "Pleasant" as an indication of deep friendliness, however.
We're seeing "understandable" as being based on different things.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:06 pm (UTC)I go to lengths to structure in-person conversation so to minimize the possibility of conflict, or at least to leave a face-saving way out for the other person(s). Maintaining the interpersonal relationship is far more important to me than the passing, temporal content of whatever I happen to be saying at the moment.
The going-to-lengths thing is something that always strikes me as inherently dishonest (not just from you, but from anyone whose default mode is Pleasant). And for me, the content of whatever I happen to be saying *is* the maintenance of the interpersonal relationship - because if that content isn't honest and direct, then I can't maintain the relationship.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:15 pm (UTC)A second-order effect is that in the long term, intentionally inaccurate information will lead me to feel unsafe around that individual, so lying or persistent ignorance will eventually come to overshadow or poison otherwise-pleasant interactions.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:16 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:25 pm (UTC)I've taken the liberty of moving my part of this discussion to my own journal so that
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:25 pm (UTC)The more blunt and assertive, the more I'm likely to flag that communication as someone trying to push *their particular view* of the truth aggressively, and therefore I will tend to give it *less* weight in averaging.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:26 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:27 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 04:30 pm (UTC)My turn to "!!!!!"
accuracy and being liked
Date: 2005-12-09 04:37 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 06:47 pm (UTC)I *don't* see "Pleasant" as an indication of deep friendliness, however.
We're seeing "understandable" as being based on different things.
Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 06:48 pm (UTC)Note that Brian's viewpoint is closer to mine as well. I don't go as far as he does, but yes, I perceive "blunt" as a sort of mask of false bareness, and a very high possibility of attempt to bulldoze. What I read into it is "don't give a flying half-FUCK about what you feel/want/need/etc., by 'stripping' it, I'm making sure there's no fucking way you can say boo". (Yes, with all the fucks included.)
I receive it as hostile except under the best of circumstances. If I'm not totally feeling balanced and well-rested, well-fed, etc., I will react to very blunt and assertive as a manipulative act.
Re: accuracy and being liked
Date: 2005-12-09 06:50 pm (UTC)Re: with Pleasant being[...]definitely annoying when coming from other people.
Date: 2005-12-09 06:51 pm (UTC)*sigh* I miss newsgroups for this sort of thing.