A big reason why I am reluctant to ask for help or accept what's sometimes offered as help or advice... is the way in which it is offered.
Boy, do I know that one. I'm also *very* sensitive to perceived motivations. My ex-mother-in-law was oppressive in her generosity, because I was never free to say, "No, thanks." It was a huge power struggle.
I have a terrible time asking for help, but I have learned, slowly, with much therapeutic help and a few good sweeties and good friends, that it's really OK to ask. But it's wise to take your time and come up with alternative strategies -- both of which you're doing.
One thing you might also consider is that the ways one asks for help are as important as the ways it is offered.
Some people prefer the direct approach: "I'm feeling lonely. Can you come over?" ""Please hug me." "Can you please do X? No is an OK answer." If I'm not triggered, I can often do this -- with the few people I (mostly) trust.
Others respond much better to an indirect approach, in which Person A indicates their crushing load of work/worry/whatever, and Person B sympathizes, and gradually help is offered and accepted without Person A ever saying, "I need help," or Person B saying, "I'll help you."
There are plenty of times I cannot ask for help but would accept it if it were just given without being offered. This is deep PTSD territory, though, and applies to only about four people.
I have a hard time responding generously to an approach that strikes me as angry, self-pitying, passive-aggressive, or critical -- even though I've been known to use it. (Working on that.) "Nobody ever helps me." "I know you're too busy with your life to care about what happens in mine." "You're so selfish, you never even noticed that I was upset last night."
These stances are usually self-defensive, designed to prevent the inevitable betrayal or letdown from hurting. But they seem to stand in the way of the help being given, too.
I don't know -- it's all difficult. But figuring out what approaches work for you and for those you're likely to ask is a useful exercise.
no subject
Boy, do I know that one. I'm also *very* sensitive to perceived motivations. My ex-mother-in-law was oppressive in her generosity, because I was never free to say, "No, thanks." It was a huge power struggle.
I have a terrible time asking for help, but I have learned, slowly, with much therapeutic help and a few good sweeties and good friends, that it's really OK to ask. But it's wise to take your time and come up with alternative strategies -- both of which you're doing.
One thing you might also consider is that the ways one asks for help are as important as the ways it is offered.
Some people prefer the direct approach: "I'm feeling lonely. Can you come over?" ""Please hug me." "Can you please do X? No is an OK answer." If I'm not triggered, I can often do this -- with the few people I (mostly) trust.
Others respond much better to an indirect approach, in which Person A indicates their crushing load of work/worry/whatever, and Person B sympathizes, and gradually help is offered and accepted without Person A ever saying, "I need help," or Person B saying, "I'll help you."
There are plenty of times I cannot ask for help but would accept it if it were just given without being offered. This is deep PTSD territory, though, and applies to only about four people.
I have a hard time responding generously to an approach that strikes me as angry, self-pitying, passive-aggressive, or critical -- even though I've been known to use it. (Working on that.) "Nobody ever helps me." "I know you're too busy with your life to care about what happens in mine." "You're so selfish, you never even noticed that I was upset last night."
These stances are usually self-defensive, designed to prevent the inevitable betrayal or letdown from hurting. But they seem to stand in the way of the help being given, too.
I don't know -- it's all difficult. But figuring out what approaches work for you and for those you're likely to ask is a useful exercise.