![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
A strange feeling...
A sweetie of mine today sent me an email. "...since you don't like to ask for help, I thought I'd ask for some as a way to generate ideas."
And she posted a question. And received a warm and supportive response, from her friends, who naturally assumed that it was something of concern to her. And there were, in fact, some useful ideas there for me.
It's a strange feeling watching the difference in responses over there, though, compared to the kinds of responses, or lack thereof, over here when I ask for advice. I can't help but wonder how it would have been different if I'd directly posted exactly the same question in my own journal. Some people would not have replied, certainly. Others I feel would have been less likely to offer their comments or help. And there's a nagging feeling that I would have been somehow "made to be wrong" or criticized if I'd opened myself up in exactly the same way.
Still, this was a loving and supportive act on my sweetie's part, even if I feel a bit sheepish... would these people have been as helpful if they'd known?
And she posted a question. And received a warm and supportive response, from her friends, who naturally assumed that it was something of concern to her. And there were, in fact, some useful ideas there for me.
It's a strange feeling watching the difference in responses over there, though, compared to the kinds of responses, or lack thereof, over here when I ask for advice. I can't help but wonder how it would have been different if I'd directly posted exactly the same question in my own journal. Some people would not have replied, certainly. Others I feel would have been less likely to offer their comments or help. And there's a nagging feeling that I would have been somehow "made to be wrong" or criticized if I'd opened myself up in exactly the same way.
Still, this was a loving and supportive act on my sweetie's part, even if I feel a bit sheepish... would these people have been as helpful if they'd known?
no subject
Boy, do I know that one. I'm also *very* sensitive to perceived motivations. My ex-mother-in-law was oppressive in her generosity, because I was never free to say, "No, thanks." It was a huge power struggle.
I have a terrible time asking for help, but I have learned, slowly, with much therapeutic help and a few good sweeties and good friends, that it's really OK to ask. But it's wise to take your time and come up with alternative strategies -- both of which you're doing.
One thing you might also consider is that the ways one asks for help are as important as the ways it is offered.
Some people prefer the direct approach: "I'm feeling lonely. Can you come over?" ""Please hug me." "Can you please do X? No is an OK answer." If I'm not triggered, I can often do this -- with the few people I (mostly) trust.
Others respond much better to an indirect approach, in which Person A indicates their crushing load of work/worry/whatever, and Person B sympathizes, and gradually help is offered and accepted without Person A ever saying, "I need help," or Person B saying, "I'll help you."
There are plenty of times I cannot ask for help but would accept it if it were just given without being offered. This is deep PTSD territory, though, and applies to only about four people.
I have a hard time responding generously to an approach that strikes me as angry, self-pitying, passive-aggressive, or critical -- even though I've been known to use it. (Working on that.) "Nobody ever helps me." "I know you're too busy with your life to care about what happens in mine." "You're so selfish, you never even noticed that I was upset last night."
These stances are usually self-defensive, designed to prevent the inevitable betrayal or letdown from hurting. But they seem to stand in the way of the help being given, too.
I don't know -- it's all difficult. But figuring out what approaches work for you and for those you're likely to ask is a useful exercise.