But then there's the issue of *asking*, of stating my personal needs to someone in the hope that some subset will be met. I see asking as functionally equivalent to begging.
[Warning: the following started off "me, too" and ended up "me me me"]
Yeah. I have struggled with this, too. My dad abandoned our family when I was 13 or so, and after asking for things from him and not getting them (and feeling really shitty for having exposed my need to him and been slapped down), I stopped asking. By extension, I stopped asking *anyone* for *anything*. It felt really good to be so independent (as soon as I could work, I did; as soon as I could pay my mom rent, I did, etc.), but I had to handle a lot of stuff alone that would've been much easier and less traumatic with help.
What has helped me with this (besides some therapy and effort) was realizing on a gut level that people (including me) who offer help to me, or who will give it if I ask, *dig it*. They (I) really get a kick out of being useful/helpful/important, and are not looking to oblige anyone in return. At least I find that to be generally true of folks of good will. This past year, I've asked for some pretty big help, financial and otherwise, and been cringingly awkward and nervous about it, but the obvious joy of others in jumping to my rescue has been heartwarming and healing. Not that I still wouldn't usually prefer to do it All By Myself (ooh, earworm), but there's a certain zen to exposing my need and allowing others to fulfill their own desire to contribute positively to the life of another creature.
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Date: 2002-11-21 11:16 am (UTC)[Warning: the following started off "me, too" and ended up "me me me"]
Yeah. I have struggled with this, too. My dad abandoned our family when I was 13 or so, and after asking for things from him and not getting them (and feeling really shitty for having exposed my need to him and been slapped down), I stopped asking. By extension, I stopped asking *anyone* for *anything*. It felt really good to be so independent (as soon as I could work, I did; as soon as I could pay my mom rent, I did, etc.), but I had to handle a lot of stuff alone that would've been much easier and less traumatic with help.
What has helped me with this (besides some therapy and effort) was realizing on a gut level that people (including me) who offer help to me, or who will give it if I ask, *dig it*. They (I) really get a kick out of being useful/helpful/important, and are not looking to oblige anyone in return. At least I find that to be generally true of folks of good will. This past year, I've asked for some pretty big help, financial and otherwise, and been cringingly awkward and nervous about it, but the obvious joy of others in jumping to my rescue has been heartwarming and healing. Not that I still wouldn't usually prefer to do it All By Myself (ooh, earworm), but there's a certain zen to exposing my need and allowing others to fulfill their own desire to contribute positively to the life of another creature.