During a encounter, I'm generally trying to discourage the bear and scare it away. But an attractive woman is generally trying to discourage me and send me elsewhere, instead...
I think this is the core of your problem, Brian. Your underlying assumption is that the woman doesn't want to be with you, pretty much at all, under any circumstances. I think that is a false assumption, and one that is negatively self-fulfilling. If you think that about her, you are going to be uncomfortable and awkward, which will send HER the message that she's making you uncomfortable and awkard, which is not a recipe for a continued smooth interaction.
Exercise for you: In an encounter with a "pretty girl" in the next week or so, preferably someone that you are only SLIGHTLY interested in (to lower the stakes for you), enter the conversation holding the thought in your mind "I am interesting and an attractive person; people--including pretty girls--WANT to talk to me." Periodically remind yourself of this throughout the conversation. See what happens. I'm betting that the encounter will be much more comfortable for both of you.
See, the fact of the matter is, Brian, you ARE an interesting and attractive person. The more I read about you in this context, the more interesting things I discover. On-line, your discomfort pretty much disappears, and the real you can shine through. I'd love to see you able to show that to the rest of the world, all the time. I think that would be fabulous for everyone, yourself most of all.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-01-31 12:20 pm (UTC)I think this is the core of your problem, Brian. Your underlying assumption is that the woman doesn't want to be with you, pretty much at all, under any circumstances. I think that is a false assumption, and one that is negatively self-fulfilling. If you think that about her, you are going to be uncomfortable and awkward, which will send HER the message that she's making you uncomfortable and awkard, which is not a recipe for a continued smooth interaction.
Exercise for you: In an encounter with a "pretty girl" in the next week or so, preferably someone that you are only SLIGHTLY interested in (to lower the stakes for you), enter the conversation holding the thought in your mind "I am interesting and an attractive person; people--including pretty girls--WANT to talk to me." Periodically remind yourself of this throughout the conversation. See what happens. I'm betting that the encounter will be much more comfortable for both of you.
See, the fact of the matter is, Brian, you ARE an interesting and attractive person. The more I read about you in this context, the more interesting things I discover. On-line, your discomfort pretty much disappears, and the real you can shine through. I'd love to see you able to show that to the rest of the world, all the time. I think that would be fabulous for everyone, yourself most of all.