Ramblings of an itinerant rocket scientist...

We said goodbye to Edward around 12:20 yesterday, a month and a few hours after saying goodbye to Luigi.  There was a cloud that was rainbow colored in the sky, a nacreous cloud (except May?! and 35° latitude?!) that greeted us as we reached the vet, that offered a bit of marvel to go with the grief.

The medication to allow Edward to breathe more easily failed and the prognosis became even more complicated. No prognosis had him leaving the cage where he was receiving supplemental oxygen, so we said good bye to him there.

We're shattered, and i have so much at work to focus on the next few days. A week and a half before i can safely see my dad.... No spots, so we're thankful for that. (I think Christine worries the stress of waking to Luigi's condition triggered the last flare of my condition.)

--== ∞ ==--

Meanwhile, B-- (Christine's sister's husband) is now using supplemental oxygen.  D-- and B-- lost their two grey cats Atty and Scout to some seizure condition in late 2024 and this spring. We know additional grief is on the horizon.

So we will go through the change in our lives because forward through time is the only way i know.

--== ∞ ==--

I'd started working in the yard just before, the vet called. And then while Christine showered before we went to the vet, i put a few plants in the ground in the yesterday:

Better boy buried deeply in the eastern side of the back of the circle garden; a bigger Early girl to the west, and between them a "Sweet banana" pepper and a sweet basil. Last year a Matt's wild cherry tomato swarmed that whole area. I would have expected seedlings but maybe the winter weeds then pinestraw mulch was too thick.

Carmen (Red Italian frying pepper) east most, and the second of the four "Sweet banana" peppers in the east middle bed; the last two  "Sweet banana" peppers in the west middle bed, and one between the two tomatoes.

The Thai basil in the east front bed  close to the peony where sage thrived before.

I also pulled some seeds out from my collection - Zinna, marigold, sunflowers. I have struggled to grow sunflowers here but will try again, i guess. I mixed a bunch of collected marigold seed heads in the soil near the tomatoes - who knows when i collected those.  I should probably soak some of the hyacinth beans and plant them so when all the poppies die back i have something to replace them.  It failed last time i tried but i will try again. If i get my seedling kit going soon, i should start some more basil.

I'm leaning towards planting the  rosemary where i had it before but i don't know why that big plant died last year. I suspect humidity from all the stilt grass and Bears foot (Smallanthus uvedalia), then drought. But i wonder if the Smallanthus uvedalia had anything to do with it beyond the shade and captured humidity.

So his breathing was worrisome, Christine sent a video to our vet who suggested we take him to the 24 hr vet. We are now in Durham where we have been told he has fluid buildup around his lungs, either from congestive heart failure or cancer. We will have them attempt to remove the fluid to provide relief and be tested for signals of cancer. Also a blood test to determine heat failure.

Then I think we will take him home. There is an at home euthanasia vet to call when the time comes. There's still a chance it's just infection but the vet didn't seem to think that the likely result.

Today's platelet count consistent with last week's well within normal reading; hematologist suggests waiting two weeks for the next draw.

Today's therapy was useful. We've been discussing a cycle of how a certain amount of "anxiety" or "urgency" is motivational -- it produces a boost of energy to address things. At a certain point, though, there's a tip: maybe the task/project becomes intimidating and instead one is boosted into something else:  maybe it's proximate work (and one can steer back to the goal). Maybe other irrelevant work to distraction. And then the overshoot of energy can lead to frustration, that becomes paralysis, and then depression.

We talked a little about my feelings about my aspiration/goals (handwave at yard, point at gap in woods for shed), and why i think i should be more productive than i am.

I acknowledged that it's not just this health issue that has kept me from making headway: so many things in life can derail my sense of forward momentum, whether travel or family visits or work crisis/project or Trees Falling On Fences. And i know that i cycle between balance and feeling like all the threads are being pulled through my fingers, burning raw spots. Just. Keep. Going. Some of the times i have been very productive have also not been balanced, too, and relationships and other things were neglected.

We talked about the tiny little bit of progress i made on the shed, the reasons the shed is important, and then M-- was able to poke at one of the stuck pieces.

Developing a relationship with a contractor is intimidating because of the need for trust, but also because of the question of the person working closely with us and needing to be accepting of us. The trust is more than merely will they do the work: it's also, will we be comfortable with them working here, will we feel like we can address challenges, etc. There's something deeply emotional and challenging for me in this relationship bit.

Speaking of relationships: i feel like i am connecting more with M--, too, and that she's hearing more and mapping my state of being. I like having the cycle as a framework for examining frustrations.