Being responsible

[jay]

The past couple of days have been more upbeat... I felt down after receiving something-chastising from a friend, and a note about another friend's change in plans, but those both lifted in a few hours. And I had mostly misread the former, anyway. I need be less obsessive over possible future implications or between-line-reading, and just relax.

Work-wise, I went out Wednesday and bought $2500 of computing and communications gear to ship to Spain, and spent that night configuring it in my bedroom before hopeforyou came by and picked it up yesterday. Only two of the US-permitted 11 802.11b channels are legal in Spain. And I got a gold star from Carol! (grin) And my travel next week was approved without hassle, and my orders to Spain outbound likewise. All good.

I miss not being at alt.polycon in Toronto... but I haven't posted there in 6 months, and lurk infrequently. Some of the session topics look attractive, and I'm slightly social-interaction-hungry at the moment (haven't been around adults in three weeks, other than patgreene and work). But I would have had a problem attending apc10 anyway, given the prominent role(s) of certain other individuals. Disengagement extends from online interaction to realspace.

Socially, I need to note for myself (not seeking responses) that I caught myself Wednesday unconsciously trying to *not* be responsible for my actions... as I said above, I was feeling a bit people-deprived. There was a local event that evening of which I'd been made aware. My reaction, late that afternoon, was (typical) "no sense in going there, they wouldn't want me around anyway. " (don't react to this, please wait ;) Then caught myself for some reason. What was *really* going on? I was foisting off on others the responsibility for my non-appearance -- and assigning them motives and reactions. No wonder some people wince at this, when I'm heard saying something similar. I knew that there would be at least some friends at that gathering, and they would have (in reality) probably been happy to see me. The *real* reasons for not appearing? I leave work too late (7pm, and this was most of an hour away), I needed to assemble and test the newly-purchased computer gear at home, and the host had seemed vaguely pissed at me in an online interaction that afternoon. But these were *my* reasons, I owned them, and any resentment that I couldn't go out and play had to be pointed back at my own decisions, not some amorphous unaware group. Being responsible. I will need to try to intercept this group-finger-pointing reflex in the future, it's a bad habit. Even if no one else knows, regarding some event or opportunity.

Now on to work, and lunch later ;-).

Comments

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

And just so you know, those particular hosts are, so far, on the list of people who are least likely to hold grudges of anyone I know. (I would have liked to see you last Wednesday.)

[princeofwands.livejournal.com]

And so far as I know, have had no grudge to hold anyway. But yeah, what Mary said(on both counts).

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Okay, thanks (smile). I'll come by some Wednesday, when I can plan ahead and leave work early (say, 6pm).

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I would have enjoyed seeing you likewise ;-).