Sleeping alone

[jay]

All two's, again...

About a year ago Pat and I hit one of our periodic poly-dramatic periods, triggered by her feelings over my going to alt.polycon7 with a different partner. Without exhuming further details, I wound up sleeping alone amidst threats of breakup and divorce and custody battles. Initially (first month) on the couch in my sleeping bag, then in a garage storage room that I converted into a tiny bedroom. For the first time in 20 years, I became used to sleeping alone at home. Overnights with other partners were generally lovely and warm, but infrequent given LDRs.



Later (August) Pat and I reconciled (well, somewhat, with another rough patch in October) and began sharing a bed again. And other activities ;-). Initially I only joined her if I was planning to be home, and was explicitly invited into her bedroom. Since the beginning of 2002, I've had a blanket (ahem) invitation to sleep there whenever I want, even moving back in if I wanted.

But I choose to spend some of my nights (about half) alone, still. I love Pat dearly and enjoy cuddling... but I've discovered that I need my own space, literally and figuratively. A retreat and refuge. And my household declaration of independence, of sorts, of personhood co-existing under the same roof with coupledom. I can't be sent packing from her bedroom, when my things are in my room. And our housekeeping preferences are different, and I'm often up much later.

More critically... I could choose to spend every night at home burrowed warmly in her arms, but that would lead to expectations of more of the same. My nights would no longer be my own, not entirely. And when I chose to spend a night elsewhere, it would feel (has felt) to her like something of hers was being taken. Instead of the nights we spend together feeling like a gift and a blessing.

This is necessary, I think, but is hard sometimes. Being lonely and cold in one's own house (my room is unheated) isn't fun. But my future, the person I'm becoming, depends on being able to define myself, and that requires both interaction with my friends and loved ones and solitude. Three nights a week isn't that bad of a price, even when it is 45 outside the blankets...

Comments

[rosefox]

You, me, kshandra, griffen, fimbrethil, hopeforyou... sounds like a lot of people are discovering and learning about the up-side of personal space and time. I'm glad it's working for you.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

And me, too. For me it came more from a place of desperation over chronic insomnia, but I honestly think I've always preferred sleeping (when I'm actually *sleeping*, that is) alone, and never knew it.

-J

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Actually, from what little I know about your sleeping tendencies, that makes sense ;-). Even explains something.

I'd also agree with you personally about *sleeping* alone often being better than sleeping with company. I adore *falling asleep* intertwined with a companion... but once asleep, I actually sleep better alone.

[angilong.livejournal.com]

That's why I like the king-sized bed. It's big enough that I can cuddle up until almost asleep... then roll away into my own space to actually sleep.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Not to mention their advantages for threesomes sleeping together ;-). Agreed about it offering a nice together-alone option for couples (although it seems vast when I sleep alone on one). If I ever move into a bedroom large enough to hold one... it would be a squeeze even in Pat's room, out of the question in my little garage-bedroom.

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

It sounds like it's working for Brian for the most part except one thing: the cold. Maybe add a space heater in your room so it's not 45 degrees in there? A big fluffy down comforter?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

The latter is what I do in practice. The room is so small (6x9, smaller than my brother's walk-in closet) that if I leave a space heater running, even a little one, temperatures climb into the 80s.

And given only a twin bed, it's even hard to invite company to warm things up. I've done so a couple of times, but it's hard to sleep and I wind up wedged on my side against the wall... Pat refuses to even try it, which is why we don't try alternating bedrooms on our nights together.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

When myles_otter started sleeping with violetvixen, I was at first worried and hated sleeping alone. Now that I have an opporunity to sleep with baxil when Myles is downstairs with Misty, I find that I tend to want time to sleep alone... I don't have to worry about the covers getting pulled off me, or how much I thrash around in the night - and I can get up on my own time, without listening to anybody else's alarm going off.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Well... initially, that might have also had to do with the relationship dynamics (Myles downstairs, you feeling abandoned... hope they weren't too noisy :-)?

And agreed wholeheartedly about the no-covers-pulled-off issue.... it bugs me! A certain sometime sleeping companion tends to roll up and cocoon in the blankets, until I wake up shivering and have to pull them back...

solution to fighting over covers

[angilong.livejournal.com]

We each have our own set of covers. When we want to snuggle, we open them up a bit and crawl under each other's covers. But when we sleep, we move back into our own covers. This also solves the problem of each of us wanting a different number of covers on. And I have my favorite blankies, and he has his.

Re: solution to fighting over covers

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(grin) picturing the separation also of bed-making duties in the morning... one set of covers made up, the other a bunched tangle...
What about cold air moving down in the middle via the gap between each other's covers?