Struggling a bit

[jay]

Thanks for your collective support yesterday :-). I went home and crashed after dinner, sleeping 10 hours. Leaving the dishes undone, sigh. Two of three relationships have felt shaky over the past week, and I've been struggling to not obsess or lose focus altogether.

It doesn't help that I'm also dealing with weight issues -- over the past three trips, I've gained 11 lbs. Lack of exercise and too much travel have been prime culprits. But (body image) just looking at myself is depressing... my clothes are tight, and I'm now 23 lbs over my actuarial ideal weight. And (health) my blood pressure, which closely tracks my weight, is up to its highest level ever -- 140/95. I have a lot of work to do.

This morning... 7:30am and I've already had my first call from JL, and I'm busy working from home.

Comments

pointed question

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Imagine yourself 20 years from now. The kids are grown, and you're still a researcher. Look back at now, from that vantage point.

What do you regret not doing? What do you wish you'd done more of?

Seriously, Brian, work will still be there. Don't begrudge time with your kids--they won't be kids long.

Re: pointed question

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I don't begrudge them... I just feel guilty for taking so much time off.

Re: pointed question

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I'm not sure in this context I'd make a distinction between "begrudge" and "feel guilty about." Either way, you're prioritizing work over kids in your own head. Work "counts" more than your kids, or you'd be feeling guilty about not spending more time with THEM.

Yes, work is important. Yes, you get good strokes there, and in general, it's more comprehensible to you than home life. However, you are already working enough. Last year you used to work less. So why feel guilty about working the same amount that you worked last year? I am not advocating you give up the job, stop going overseas, or even work 9-5. I am advocating that you come home earlier, interact with Pat and the kids from, say 7 to 9, and do the rest of your work when they're asleep, for instance--when you yourself have said you have nothing to do. Or find a 24 hour gym and go there late (that's what Gary always did when he was training for the Fire Dept--he worked out after his work was done, which meant 11pm). Yeah, you can't use the "free" one at work that way--but I suspect that Pat would feel better about spending some money on having you work out late if she got to see more of you in the early evening.

While I appreciate that you are willing to prioritize lunch with me (and others) over work sometimes, to give yourself a break (and after all, you DO deserve a break today! ;^), you ALSO need to be prioritizing Pat and the kids that way. For instance (and this is only an example), if lunch with me means you sacrifice time with Pat and the kids, that's probably not the best use of your time all the time. Occasionally, sure. Not every week.

Believe me, Brian, I DO understand how difficult it can be to give them more time. It's exhausting. I'm currently struggling HARD with Allegra, and the only solution I see right now is to spend more time with her, despite the fact that it will be a TRIAL for me. We have to quit her afternoon care, for instance (for one thing, she's been suspended from it for today--*sigh*), and part of the reason is that she's not getting enough time from me, and therefore she's acting out. I'm also sure there are OTHER things going on, but I suspect I'm right on this one for her.\

OK, speaking of AKD--gotta take her to school.

Re: pointed question

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

This discussion seeded thoughts that eventually wound up in several insights in yesterday's entry. You know, I really ought to be paying you for coaching! Or giving you some reward ;^).

This week I exercised 4/5 days, came home at reasonable hours, lost 3 lbs and tried to work after-hours. Okay, except that thanks to jetlag, I kept dozing-off... I've gotten more sleep this past week than in any other at home in months.

Lunches... don't cut into time with Pat and the boys. They may cut into work-time, but I generally make it up otherwise. I would rather work between midnight and 2am than not have lunch with you :-).

I don't envy your issues with Allegra, though... there are the time issues, sure, but then the behavioral ones. Which will probably require some form of professional help, and hence more paperwork, appointments, home exercises... sigh. (hugs)