Reactivity and triage

[jay]

I've been thinking about how I prioritize... and its effects on Pat and my relationships in general. No one's likely to read this on a Friday evening, but I want to capture these ideas for myself.


Talking with Pat... I understand at least a bit of why she's been upset.. feeling taken for granted, or ignored. I've screwed up, in the sense of not giving her the time and attention and recognition she needs and is due -- not just as a spouse or live-in partner, but as the otherwise witty, interesting, affectionate person that she is.

Why would I blow it that badly? What's my motivation? Am I just terribly self-centered? I suppose that's possible, but I think that it has to do more with how I react to threats. To fire-fighting, so to speak.

My time and energy are divided according to things I must do -- eat, sleep (a little), pay bills -- and things that I can apportion. Disposable time/energy. For the latter, this week's crises get the most attention. Often, those derive from either work or issues with the children. Non-broken areas get some attention, but only a minimal amount. But I may spend more time on a non-crisis if I'm getting surplus energy from it -- a fun activity, say.

How does this affect patgreene? She hasn't been broken. Not much lately. Reliable, steadfast, relatively uncomplaining, supportive (until lately, granted) of work requirements and kid issues. Doing most of the housework, keeping things together. These are critical to me being able to do field work and launching new projects as well as both of us dealing with James's projects and David's behavioral issues... and I'm hugely appreciative.

But... what reward does she get? I'm off trying to resolve work issues, then on the computer answering email and doing slides at home in the evenings this week. Likewise in the past. If I have slack at work, chances are that one of the kids will be having behavioral or school problems. Or I'll be locked in a relationship crisis -- with someone else. Or I'll be trying to regain energy and recharge by going out and doing social things. In all of these cases... Pat gets overlooked. She's the proverbially non-squeaky wheel. Usually getting only maintenance-level attention and affection. I'm not focussed on her, because she's doing well (apparently). In effect, it probably feels like she's being punished for her own competence and level of support (assuming that she actually wants my time and energy ;).

For her, this has echoes of her childhood. Without elaborating (it's her story), she was a middle child in a large Catholic family, the good-little-girl who was obedient and gave little trouble while her older sibs ran amok. And as a teen she was habitually overlooked, almost neglected, while her parents tried to keep her sibs alive and intact and out of jail. So there are some big old buttons that I'm pushing, here.

How can I improve on the recent past? In the very short term, make up for recent lost time. I have no weekend plans... I'll do whatever Pat tells me to do (smile). And think of ways of courting, of showing my affection and gratitude.

Longer-term... is more problematic. There will continue to be crises. I have to find a way to give Pat the attention and recognition that she needs and deserves. Maybe as a fixed-allotment, rather than being lumped in with discretionary energy expenditures. It would help if we enjoyed similar interests or activities, but we've grown apart there. Maybe I should make an effort to do some things that she likes, that I'm otherwise indifferent towards (or actively bored by)... after all, she's a good sport and lets me drag her along to social events. More recognition would be a good idea. And more symbolism... I haven't given her flowers in months.

We talked about these things last night. It probably looks self-serving to post these thoughts... if so, I apologize, but I wanted to capture them.

Comments

Nice insights

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

It doesn't look self-serving. I'm very very glad you're working on these issues.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad you're working on this.

May I suggest something, or would that be too forward?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Be as forward as you like :-). Go ahead...

Re: Nice insights

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks... I make no claims of resolution, however. And the lack of shared interests makes it harder to find fun things to do together.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

One of the things that Danny and I both like to do is read books. So we spend our time reading books -- out loud, to each other. That way, we're both reading and spending time together.

Make a point, when you come home from a trip, to take Pat to dinner, or out doing some special thing that she likes to do. Make a point of reconnection.

Write love notes the day before you go on a trip, and hide them around the house for her to find. The beauty of this is that she might find them months or years later, but they'll be a reminder of how much you love her.

Write her a thank-you note for all she does for you, and mail it. It's always nice to receive unexpected mail.

It may sound unromantic, but if you have to use a planner to remember to send notes and cards, then do it.... and make sure you back up the flowers and notes and cards with some focused time and attention.

I think you can do this, and I think you'll be fine. Just remember that her presence in your life is as necessary as anyone else's, and in many ways more so.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

In my language of love (to use the Harville Hendrix phrase), working at sharing the other person's interests speaks very loudly. I go to my partner's (s') events because they're important to my partner and show as much participation and continuity as I can. And I expect or hope that my partner(s) will do the same for me. Whether or not they are interested in hockey or yoga or singing or my nephews or knitting, I expect them to at least ask me how it went and remember my answers from week to week ("So, do you still think the new yoga teacher isn't as good for you as the old one?") and at best to try it out themselves, choosing to try something they aren't good at in order to let me share something that I am good at.

Definitely try doing some things that she likes even if you wouldn't choose them for yourself.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Also, I can highly recommend the books 1001 Ways To Be Romantic and 1,001 More Ways To Be Romantic by Gregory P. Godek. Here's a link:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1570714819/qid=1067045591/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/102-2262039-9621751?v=glance&n=507846

My ex's best friend gave him this book for my birthday one year. It's a pity he never read it.....

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this. I love you.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

I don't have anything to say about Brian's situation in particular, but I really, really liked this in general.

-J

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I posted it for myself, but you're welcome. And you shouldn't...

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

Sorry, you don't get to determine that : ) My heart is my own, to give where I will.

[mhw.livejournal.com]

Um, perhaps not. I'd really really hate it if someone tried to like something simply because I liked it. In fact, it makes my flesh crawl to think that someone might do that.

The people I love have different tastes from me, and that's fine. Sharing the stuff that we do have in common is great - but the idea that someone would, say, sit through a concert I wanted to go to, but at which the music meant nothing to them, or even worse that they positively disliked, just to manufacture some synthetic "coupleyness" is... distressing to me.

I'm really hoping that this isn't what you're thinking of.

[who-is-she.livejournal.com]

he he he, see, Brian, how many of us are at home doing LJ on Friday night.
:)
and:
I really liked what you wrote here.
not self serving, but self-examining, and willing to take responsbility and think of solutions.
I'm glad to read this post.

suggestions: do you guys like going to movies?
even staying in and watching something.. MAttS and I frequently have dates where we watch some or all of a movie... just snuggling on the couch. it's just bonding time. YOu don't really have to DO anything.

but I undestand some of your dilemna, (becuase I have a hard time slowing down, when I feel there's a million things to do!) that it's hard to sit and snuggle when your mind is racing with all the stuff you need to get done........

Thanks for this lovely piece of writing on this friday night.
:)

yay Brian!

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Great stuff, good insights, excellent post. Not self-serving at all.

And see, we ARE reading on a Friday night! ;^)

I'm still willing to be part of a "team" to get you and Pat some alone time. I doubt I could handle ALL of the boys myself at once, but I could probably take Kevin for an overnight or even a weekend. You guys need some time together--without the kids. I'd like to support that.

(We don't have major plans for the weekend, if you want to send Kevin over tomorrow, even. We've already got Vielle on Sunday afternoon, though, so that probably wouldn't work well for us.)

*hugs* to you both.

It isn't "synthetic"

[mousefeathers.livejournal.com]

if it's freely given. I do it for my husband, quite willingly--and I'm quite the selfish one, believe me. I don't spend more time and energy than I'm happy to give, and I won't go where I'm unhappy or extremely uncomfortable, simply where I'm not personally engaged. He will do the same for me. You don't always know when something to which you were indifferent will prove to be intriguing, either.

So much depends on the giver's reasons. Perhaps it sounds like overly dependent behavior to you; if you were one of my partners, I'd operate on your voiced preferances--but my partners all share something with me--and that frequently includes the desire to spend time together just to be together. It seems to work well for me.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that it didn't bother you. And there are more people online than I expected... usually Friday evening through Sunday afternoon is a quiet period on LJ, in my experience.

do you guys like going to movies? even staying in and watching something...

Heh. There's part of the divide... Pat likes movies (and even some TV) and I generally don't. I'm OK with going out to movies because it is a social situation -- crowds, people, sound -- but I look at most of Hollywood's output as a waste of time. Watching something at home is even worse -- having to sit through some video, without the compensation of getting out.

Pat, on the other hand, is an avid movie fan.

I'd rather go dancing, myself, but Pat claims to have two left feet (and dislikes lots of sound and crowds)

Re: It isn't "synthetic"

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

I freely go to things Brian enjoys because I want to be with him. There are limits (I won't go somewhere where I would feel acutely uncomfortable) but in general I sometimes do things that I would not otherwise do to have time together either with him or with the whole family, such as ice skating (everyone in the family skates but me, but I am willing to go and hang out at the rink and watch the others and talk to them when they go by where I am).

Re: It isn't "synthetic"

[mousefeathers.livejournal.com]

Yup! Just like that there! I am also an avid spectator of other people having fun, too, of course--so it's not like I'm getting nothing from it "for myself," either. The rewards aren't all in the shared interests, but often in the different and personal takes on 'em.

[who-is-she.livejournal.com]

you like crowds, people, sound,.... I hear that..
but if this particular sort of time you're trying to create in your life
is about 'connecting with Pat', then that stuff seems like it might be kind of extraneous... eh?

There is more to movies than just "Hollywood". :) Have you ever seen "American Movie"? Hilarious, a truly twisted tormented artist in his natural habitat. NOT hollywood. (It's a documentary) But don't know if either you or Pat would like the kind of twisted selections I enjoy.....
:)

hm..........
sounds like you like more social/active stuff than Pat does?
And Pat likes staying in the comfort of her home more than you do?

I think our household has that sort of dynamic too.

for us, going out to eat works. It's something we both need to do anyway (eat) but doing it away from home gets us out of our normal environment. You can pick a place that's not too noisey.. but yet will satisfy your urge to feel like you're 'out in a crowd'.
??
wishing you a wonderful weekend!

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

Flowers are good, doing stuff she likes that you don't is good - basically from day to day just being more *aware* of her and her existence, her needs and interacting more is probably the best approach though, as well as maybe taking some special "us" time - picnic, walk in the park, simple stuff that you can do at the drop of a hat so easier to arrange in between busy schedules.
And as everyone else has said, its good to see you posting such things :)

Re: It isn't "synthetic"

[mhw.livejournal.com]

Oh sure, that seems entirely good to me. "I like having you there with me" would make me more than happy to go, but "You should try to like what I like" - eep, instant gooseflesh. I'm not going to pretend to like something for someone ever again.

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

I can see your point on this, it depends how its done - if the person seems to be making too much effort and you can tell they are just doing it to be nice, and they are also giving off those long suffering, "I'm just doing this to be nice, appreciate it cos man this stuff *sucks*" vibes then yes its pretty lame.
Being genuinely interested in a partner's interests and passions has got to be good though, finding out enough about it to make intelligent conversation at least. I tend to be interested in pretty much anything, so I guess that makes it easy for me, there are very few things I find dull to explore if someone else is keen.
I think the main point is taking the time to listen, and to give their interests some value in your own world is the key (and having the honesty to say "no, soap operas bore me to tears, what else do you like?" :) )

[mhw.livejournal.com]

*applause*

Exactly what I would have wanted to say if I wasn't tired and up to my nose in writing.

Actually, I almost do hold off from getting too interested in the things my loves like, simply because I worry that if I do they won't have anything special for themselves.

Definitely two different things, there

[mousefeathers.livejournal.com]

"I like it--give it a try" isn't even close to "you should try to like what I like." Anybody who tries to tell me I should do any given thing "to show you love me" gets full marks down. That was certainly one of the major nails in my old b/f's coffin, lo, these many years (yikes! decades, now!) ago. Poor sap never did know why I married somebody else, either--he hadn't the vocabulary to understand, and probably still doesn't.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

What's your objection to movies? Just wondering if we can figure out a movie type that you'd enjoy.

I know that for me, knowing that someone spent time is more important than the material things, except insofar as a tangible bit can be a nice thing to have as evidence during dark days. So notes sent during the day are a good thing, for me.