Reactivity and triage
Oct. 24th, 2003 05:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayI've been thinking about how I prioritize... and its effects on Pat and my relationships in general. No one's likely to read this on a Friday evening, but I want to capture these ideas for myself.
Talking with Pat... I understand at least a bit of why she's been upset.. feeling taken for granted, or ignored. I've screwed up, in the sense of not giving her the time and attention and recognition she needs and is due -- not just as a spouse or live-in partner, but as the otherwise witty, interesting, affectionate person that she is.
Why would I blow it that badly? What's my motivation? Am I just terribly self-centered? I suppose that's possible, but I think that it has to do more with how I react to threats. To fire-fighting, so to speak.
My time and energy are divided according to things I must do -- eat, sleep (a little), pay bills -- and things that I can apportion. Disposable time/energy. For the latter, this week's crises get the most attention. Often, those derive from either work or issues with the children. Non-broken areas get some attention, but only a minimal amount. But I may spend more time on a non-crisis if I'm getting surplus energy from it -- a fun activity, say.
How does this affectpatgreene? She hasn't been broken. Not much lately. Reliable, steadfast, relatively uncomplaining, supportive (until lately, granted) of work requirements and kid issues. Doing most of the housework, keeping things together. These are critical to me being able to do field work and launching new projects as well as both of us dealing with James's projects and David's behavioral issues... and I'm hugely appreciative.
But... what reward does she get? I'm off trying to resolve work issues, then on the computer answering email and doing slides at home in the evenings this week. Likewise in the past. If I have slack at work, chances are that one of the kids will be having behavioral or school problems. Or I'll be locked in a relationship crisis -- with someone else. Or I'll be trying to regain energy and recharge by going out and doing social things. In all of these cases... Pat gets overlooked. She's the proverbially non-squeaky wheel. Usually getting only maintenance-level attention and affection. I'm not focussed on her, because she's doing well (apparently). In effect, it probably feels like she's being punished for her own competence and level of support (assuming that she actually wants my time and energy ;).
For her, this has echoes of her childhood. Without elaborating (it's her story), she was a middle child in a large Catholic family, the good-little-girl who was obedient and gave little trouble while her older sibs ran amok. And as a teen she was habitually overlooked, almost neglected, while her parents tried to keep her sibs alive and intact and out of jail. So there are some big old buttons that I'm pushing, here.
How can I improve on the recent past? In the very short term, make up for recent lost time. I have no weekend plans... I'll do whatever Pat tells me to do (smile). And think of ways of courting, of showing my affection and gratitude.
Longer-term... is more problematic. There will continue to be crises. I have to find a way to give Pat the attention and recognition that she needs and deserves. Maybe as a fixed-allotment, rather than being lumped in with discretionary energy expenditures. It would help if we enjoyed similar interests or activities, but we've grown apart there. Maybe I should make an effort to do some things that she likes, that I'm otherwise indifferent towards (or actively bored by)... after all, she's a good sport and lets me drag her along to social events. More recognition would be a good idea. And more symbolism... I haven't given her flowers in months.
We talked about these things last night. It probably looks self-serving to post these thoughts... if so, I apologize, but I wanted to capture them.
Talking with Pat... I understand at least a bit of why she's been upset.. feeling taken for granted, or ignored. I've screwed up, in the sense of not giving her the time and attention and recognition she needs and is due -- not just as a spouse or live-in partner, but as the otherwise witty, interesting, affectionate person that she is.
Why would I blow it that badly? What's my motivation? Am I just terribly self-centered? I suppose that's possible, but I think that it has to do more with how I react to threats. To fire-fighting, so to speak.
My time and energy are divided according to things I must do -- eat, sleep (a little), pay bills -- and things that I can apportion. Disposable time/energy. For the latter, this week's crises get the most attention. Often, those derive from either work or issues with the children. Non-broken areas get some attention, but only a minimal amount. But I may spend more time on a non-crisis if I'm getting surplus energy from it -- a fun activity, say.
How does this affect
patgreene? She hasn't been broken. Not much lately. Reliable, steadfast, relatively uncomplaining, supportive (until lately, granted) of work requirements and kid issues. Doing most of the housework, keeping things together. These are critical to me being able to do field work and launching new projects as well as both of us dealing with James's projects and David's behavioral issues... and I'm hugely appreciative. But... what reward does she get? I'm off trying to resolve work issues, then on the computer answering email and doing slides at home in the evenings this week. Likewise in the past. If I have slack at work, chances are that one of the kids will be having behavioral or school problems. Or I'll be locked in a relationship crisis -- with someone else. Or I'll be trying to regain energy and recharge by going out and doing social things. In all of these cases... Pat gets overlooked. She's the proverbially non-squeaky wheel. Usually getting only maintenance-level attention and affection. I'm not focussed on her, because she's doing well (apparently). In effect, it probably feels like she's being punished for her own competence and level of support (assuming that she actually wants my time and energy ;).
For her, this has echoes of her childhood. Without elaborating (it's her story), she was a middle child in a large Catholic family, the good-little-girl who was obedient and gave little trouble while her older sibs ran amok. And as a teen she was habitually overlooked, almost neglected, while her parents tried to keep her sibs alive and intact and out of jail. So there are some big old buttons that I'm pushing, here.
How can I improve on the recent past? In the very short term, make up for recent lost time. I have no weekend plans... I'll do whatever Pat tells me to do (smile). And think of ways of courting, of showing my affection and gratitude.
Longer-term... is more problematic. There will continue to be crises. I have to find a way to give Pat the attention and recognition that she needs and deserves. Maybe as a fixed-allotment, rather than being lumped in with discretionary energy expenditures. It would help if we enjoyed similar interests or activities, but we've grown apart there. Maybe I should make an effort to do some things that she likes, that I'm otherwise indifferent towards (or actively bored by)... after all, she's a good sport and lets me drag her along to social events. More recognition would be a good idea. And more symbolism... I haven't given her flowers in months.
We talked about these things last night. It probably looks self-serving to post these thoughts... if so, I apologize, but I wanted to capture them.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-24 07:47 pm (UTC)do you guys like going to movies? even staying in and watching something...
Heh. There's part of the divide... Pat likes movies (and even some TV) and I generally don't. I'm OK with going out to movies because it is a social situation -- crowds, people, sound -- but I look at most of Hollywood's output as a waste of time. Watching something at home is even worse -- having to sit through some video, without the compensation of getting out.
Pat, on the other hand, is an avid movie fan.
I'd rather go dancing, myself, but Pat claims to have two left feet (and dislikes lots of sound and crowds)
no subject
Date: 2003-10-24 08:11 pm (UTC)but if this particular sort of time you're trying to create in your life
is about 'connecting with Pat', then that stuff seems like it might be kind of extraneous... eh?
There is more to movies than just "Hollywood". :) Have you ever seen "American Movie"? Hilarious, a truly twisted tormented artist in his natural habitat. NOT hollywood. (It's a documentary) But don't know if either you or Pat would like the kind of twisted selections I enjoy.....
:)
hm..........
sounds like you like more social/active stuff than Pat does?
And Pat likes staying in the comfort of her home more than you do?
I think our household has that sort of dynamic too.
for us, going out to eat works. It's something we both need to do anyway (eat) but doing it away from home gets us out of our normal environment. You can pick a place that's not too noisey.. but yet will satisfy your urge to feel like you're 'out in a crowd'.
??
wishing you a wonderful weekend!
no subject
Date: 2003-10-25 01:43 pm (UTC)A documentary might work... pure entertainment isn't very attractive to me. If I can learn something, or if it blows my mind or spins my perspective -- then that's worth the investment of time. Otherwise, I'm just there being a good sport with whomever I'm with ;-).
Pat's an introvert (INFP), I'm a marginal extrovert (ENTP) and there's an imbalance in our respective wants and needs for outside social contact. I *enjoy* huge, pressing crowds (like in mosh pits, or sports events, or Haymarket in Boston on a Saturday) while Pat can't take them for more than a few minutes. For me, it's like... surfing on the energy and sound intensity.
Last night we went out to dinner :-).
no subject
Date: 2003-10-25 01:38 am (UTC)But first you build up to that by dancing at home, by yourselves, especially if Pat isn't comfortable with it. Or you go to someplace where she's sure to like the music.
Don't dismiss hanging out somewhere... A bookstore, a coffee shop...
And as to reading books to each other:
Make it a short story. And do it in a bubble bath.
If you don't seem to have shared interests now, can you generate some? Try something completely new for both of you, and see what you make of it.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-25 01:30 pm (UTC)Coffee shops have worked in the past. We might as well read novels to each other... although if Pat wanted a bubble bath, I'd be willing to sit outside and read to her.
I'm something of a neophile (look! bright, shiny! ;) while Pat likes familiar and comfortable pleasures and activities. Sometimes she's a good sport and lets me drag her along.