Non-sexual reasons for event gender balance

[jay]

Recently, a local mailing list has been discussing workshops and events requiring secrecy about goings-on. HAI workshops have been often cited, although there have been others. Thread-drift has taken it into a debate on gender-balancing, with the practice being questioned -- or at least regarded as a het meet-market provision rather than something germane to dealing with emotional intimacy. I have perfectly valid reasons for requiring gender-balance that have nothing to do with finding new relationships...



I've been watching this discussion for awhile. I can think of a perfectly valid reason for workshops like HAI to look for gender balance without it becoming a het "meet-market" or play-party. And I'm being serious here, not trying to joke or push anyone's buttons, and bullying or flaming responses will be duly ignored.

In my own experience, it is vastly easier to open up to the opposite gender. Testosterone and aggressive tendencies make a difference, apart from the plumbing. (And in a clothing-optional environment, I wouldn't feel comfortable being up-close to same-gender plumbing, either.) I personally find women to be much safer for emotional intimacy exercises, activities that make myself vulnerable. A workshop involving love and intimacy issues that was, say, 2/3 male would be an instant no-go on my part. Not because of slim pick-up prospects, but because it would be hard for me to find trustworthy exercise partners (and hence the purpose of the workshop would be negated, and a waste of time and money).

I view all males as competitors and potential threats. Neutral at best. I feel that any sign of weakness shown to the a member of the same gender is likely to be used against me, or reduce my status in his eyes. I view women as colleagues and cooperative, potentially supportive, possibly friendly, and only hostile when demonstrated by their actions. Undoubtedly this stems from childhood experiences (gangs of boys routinely physically beat me up, while girls stood by... and older boys sexually molested me, early on) but the level of visceral mistrust of other males is sufficiently strong that even trying to work on these issues with other males has not been possible for me, therapy-wise or otherwise. (And I've tried.)

A big reason why I haven't tried a HAI Level 1 isn't the gender balance -- which I'd see as essential for emotional safety -- but that I've heard that there are exercises involving same-gender emotional intimacy, and that scares me. Ironically, considering that this thread began with discussions of the advisability of event-secrecy.

I'm taking a risk by revealing this much personal stuff in a public forum, but I thought that it was relevant to non-sexual motivations for looking for gender balance at events. Attempts to use the above to mock or humiliate me will be tossed in the bit-bucket (especially from members of the same gender ;-).

Comments

[geekchick]

[Note to self: tab-enter doesn't do what you meant to do in the web interface. Oops. =) Sorry for the half-finished reply previously. ]

sometimes I feel uncomfortable when anyone treats me differently because I'm female. I'm not somehow better, or more honorable, or more trustworthy because I'm female.

Yes, that. Exactly.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Intellectually, I realize that. People are no inherently better (or worse!) because of the absence or presence of a Y-chromosome. My emotional responses are my issue... it isn't proverbially about you :-).

That said regarding nature, there are a couple of "nurture" issues. The personal one for me is given above, as far as my own past conditioning that males-are-scumbags goes.

At an indirect level, though, it is hard to overlook the effects of social conditioning. Women are pressured to be more emotionally open, to be nurturing, to be cooperative. Men are pressured to be rugged and emotionally closed, to play rough and aggressively, to be selfish. Various individuals of both/whatever genders absorb or resist these external messages to varying degrees... but all other things being equal, and not knowing the individuals in question, socialization means that I'd still rather take my chances opening up to a woman than to the man next to her at the bar.

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

what you said here "At an indirect level, though, it is hard to overlook the effects of social conditioning. Women are pressured to be more emotionally open, to be nurturing, to be cooperative. Men are pressured to be rugged and emotionally closed, to play rough and aggressively, to be selfish. Various individuals of both/whatever genders absorb or resist these external messages to varying degrees... but all other things being equal, and not knowing the individuals in question, socialization means that I'd still rather take my chances opening up to a woman than to the man next to her at the bar. " is exactly what my thesis is about.