Non-sexual reasons for event gender balance

[jay]

Recently, a local mailing list has been discussing workshops and events requiring secrecy about goings-on. HAI workshops have been often cited, although there have been others. Thread-drift has taken it into a debate on gender-balancing, with the practice being questioned -- or at least regarded as a het meet-market provision rather than something germane to dealing with emotional intimacy. I have perfectly valid reasons for requiring gender-balance that have nothing to do with finding new relationships...



I've been watching this discussion for awhile. I can think of a perfectly valid reason for workshops like HAI to look for gender balance without it becoming a het "meet-market" or play-party. And I'm being serious here, not trying to joke or push anyone's buttons, and bullying or flaming responses will be duly ignored.

In my own experience, it is vastly easier to open up to the opposite gender. Testosterone and aggressive tendencies make a difference, apart from the plumbing. (And in a clothing-optional environment, I wouldn't feel comfortable being up-close to same-gender plumbing, either.) I personally find women to be much safer for emotional intimacy exercises, activities that make myself vulnerable. A workshop involving love and intimacy issues that was, say, 2/3 male would be an instant no-go on my part. Not because of slim pick-up prospects, but because it would be hard for me to find trustworthy exercise partners (and hence the purpose of the workshop would be negated, and a waste of time and money).

I view all males as competitors and potential threats. Neutral at best. I feel that any sign of weakness shown to the a member of the same gender is likely to be used against me, or reduce my status in his eyes. I view women as colleagues and cooperative, potentially supportive, possibly friendly, and only hostile when demonstrated by their actions. Undoubtedly this stems from childhood experiences (gangs of boys routinely physically beat me up, while girls stood by... and older boys sexually molested me, early on) but the level of visceral mistrust of other males is sufficiently strong that even trying to work on these issues with other males has not been possible for me, therapy-wise or otherwise. (And I've tried.)

A big reason why I haven't tried a HAI Level 1 isn't the gender balance -- which I'd see as essential for emotional safety -- but that I've heard that there are exercises involving same-gender emotional intimacy, and that scares me. Ironically, considering that this thread began with discussions of the advisability of event-secrecy.

I'm taking a risk by revealing this much personal stuff in a public forum, but I thought that it was relevant to non-sexual motivations for looking for gender balance at events. Attempts to use the above to mock or humiliate me will be tossed in the bit-bucket (especially from members of the same gender ;-).

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That would presume that the women were there ONLY to facilitate guys' intimacy.

I disagree that it needs to presume "only". I was unclear, I guess. Here's what I meant: if male attendees feel as Brian does, and I do not feel as Brian does, then my presence (presuming I read as female) is providing a service that the event organizers need in order to give the male attendees the experience desired. This is an imbalance, and I'd like to see it recognized in some way.

Perhaps that way is "gee, CJ, we believe you will get something -- perhaps a different something -- out of relating specifically to guys in this setting". For me personally, I rather doubt it, because relating to guys is what I do my entire @#$!ing life. Relating to gals is the unusual bit. But I could see, if other women are not like me, why they'd think this was balanced. It just would be a slightly different net total for me than for most.

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

It just would be a slightly different net total for me than for most.

Yes, I think this is true. I think that many, though not necessarily most, women are not like you in that regard. For many women, men could be seen as being there to provide the unique experience of relating in an emotional way to men in a SAFE environment. Therefore, the men could be seen as providing a service, just as much as the women could. I don't think either gender is there at the expense of the other. Each gender has something unique to offer, and something unique to gain.

OTOH, it does sound like this is not necessarily a good format for YOU, CJ. *If* you were interested in doing personal-growth work, work on emotional intimacy, etc., and if one of your goals were to relate to the gals (the "unusual bit" as you put it), I might suggest you check out the women-only events at Body Electric. Again, I haven't done these workshops myself, but I've done an "intro" for this one, and I know others who have done the full week women's retreats, returning with glowing reports.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think that many, though not necessarily most, women are not like you in that regard. For many women, men could be seen as being there to provide the unique experience of relating in an emotional way to men in a SAFE environment.

[nod] I can definitely imagine that.

OTOH, it does sound like this is not necessarily a good format for YOU, CJ.

Yeah, could be. OR, perhaps it is a good format despite a thing I regard as a negative. I won't know unless I choose to go. The Body Electric events (interesting! I'll check it out) might be a place I choose to try FIRST. :-)

I know others who have done the full week women's retreats, returning with glowing reports.

Thanks for the info!

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

OR, perhaps it is a good format despite a thing I regard as a negative. I won't know unless I choose to go.

So true. You don't know until you try! Sometimes it's the things you think of as "negatives" that bring the biggest returns.

If you do take the BE events, I'd be interested in hearing what you think!