Non-sexual reasons for event gender balance

[jay]

Recently, a local mailing list has been discussing workshops and events requiring secrecy about goings-on. HAI workshops have been often cited, although there have been others. Thread-drift has taken it into a debate on gender-balancing, with the practice being questioned -- or at least regarded as a het meet-market provision rather than something germane to dealing with emotional intimacy. I have perfectly valid reasons for requiring gender-balance that have nothing to do with finding new relationships...



I've been watching this discussion for awhile. I can think of a perfectly valid reason for workshops like HAI to look for gender balance without it becoming a het "meet-market" or play-party. And I'm being serious here, not trying to joke or push anyone's buttons, and bullying or flaming responses will be duly ignored.

In my own experience, it is vastly easier to open up to the opposite gender. Testosterone and aggressive tendencies make a difference, apart from the plumbing. (And in a clothing-optional environment, I wouldn't feel comfortable being up-close to same-gender plumbing, either.) I personally find women to be much safer for emotional intimacy exercises, activities that make myself vulnerable. A workshop involving love and intimacy issues that was, say, 2/3 male would be an instant no-go on my part. Not because of slim pick-up prospects, but because it would be hard for me to find trustworthy exercise partners (and hence the purpose of the workshop would be negated, and a waste of time and money).

I view all males as competitors and potential threats. Neutral at best. I feel that any sign of weakness shown to the a member of the same gender is likely to be used against me, or reduce my status in his eyes. I view women as colleagues and cooperative, potentially supportive, possibly friendly, and only hostile when demonstrated by their actions. Undoubtedly this stems from childhood experiences (gangs of boys routinely physically beat me up, while girls stood by... and older boys sexually molested me, early on) but the level of visceral mistrust of other males is sufficiently strong that even trying to work on these issues with other males has not been possible for me, therapy-wise or otherwise. (And I've tried.)

A big reason why I haven't tried a HAI Level 1 isn't the gender balance -- which I'd see as essential for emotional safety -- but that I've heard that there are exercises involving same-gender emotional intimacy, and that scares me. Ironically, considering that this thread began with discussions of the advisability of event-secrecy.

I'm taking a risk by revealing this much personal stuff in a public forum, but I thought that it was relevant to non-sexual motivations for looking for gender balance at events. Attempts to use the above to mock or humiliate me will be tossed in the bit-bucket (especially from members of the same gender ;-).

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

the opportunity to see how you relate, and change how you relate if you want to.

Or at least being conscious of those differences. I'd argue that my relational differences were seared in by sufficient trauma that they would require more than a 30-min exercise to undo... detect, perhaps.

I suppose that the workshop would be safe at a fundamental level -- no one would be likely to attack me physically -- and I could always choose to skip the uncomfortable parts.

I went to a day-long PTI once, so I have a little basis for personal opinion.

Thanks for weighing in, and I'm glad that it has had strongly-positive effects for you :-).

[kokoro43.livejournal.com]

For me -- and for the people that I've talked to about it -- it felt very emotionally safe. That doesn't happen all at once, it takes a while, longer than you have in a PTI for many/most people in a Level 1 workshop. That's one reason that it's a weekend (full 48 hours) long.

And detection _is_ the first step, probably the biggest one. If you don't know what is going on (even with yourself), then you get constantly blind-sided by unconscious behaviors and beliefs. Once detected (and acknowleged), then you can decide what , if anything, to do about it.

I know something about that "relational stuff seared in". And you're right -- it takes more than a 30-minute exercise to do anything about it. I haven't run into anybody who claims that real personal growth can be done in an instant (though "AHAs" about issues may indeed come in an instant -- but it takes time and work to do something about it). I've been doing HAI for more than 2 years now. I've found a lot of (relational and other emotional) stuff that was so deeply buried that it's taken that long to find it and "dig it out" and start to work on it. At times, personal growth can feel like a full-time job -- too bad you can't get paid for doing it! Though for me it certainly does pay off, though you do have to think of it as an investment.

And thanks, Brian, for going to the PTI to check things out for yourself.