Reflections on validation needs

[jay]

Or, why I went about dragging myself into an ongoing local social feud, since last spring... but this is not an attempt to reopen those several lines of discussion. This is a note for myself, for future reference when I find myself slipping back into a susceptible state. It is difficult to discuss, and embarrassing.



One comment at the time by firecat stuck meme-like in my head, through the summer. I've lost the link, but it was posted in a community somewhere... something along the lines of it being common to see people trying to manipulate others for their advantage, but perplexing to see someone so intent on manipulating others for his disadvantage. At the time, I shrugged it off as more snarkiness from the nebulous other side.

About a month ago, I suddenly came to the realization that she had been correct... and with more contemplation, I realized why I'd been motivated towards apparently self-destructive behaviors. When I'm depressed, or overly stressed, I'm highly self-critical. Sometimes that self-criticism comes out in my writing, although I've done better lately about filtering it. I didn't start the local cliqueishness or feuding, the current episode started in mid-2002. What I did was to drag myself into it -- looking for validation of my self-criticism, and hence of my view of reality. A control issue.

In other words, if I think I'm an unworthy schmuck, but friends tell me otherwise, there's a conflict in views of what's real about myself. One way of reassuring myself that I'm still well-grounded and in control is to find corroborating evidence. And there existed a small-c community of individuals who were easily prodded into giving me that evidence... all it took was an outrageous statement or two, or simply taking an unpopular stance in a public forum, and lots of people were happy to tell me what an unworthy schmuck I was. Thereby validating my internal models of myself. Hence there was a gain for me in so doing.

There are perhaps analogues with other power games, or roleplaying... someone volunteering to be punished because they've been a bad boy, say... but out in a public forum, there is no safeword, no way to extract oneself when the piling-on becomes unbearable. So, apart from the ethics involved in nonconsensual manipulation, this is not a practical validation approach, either.

The manipulation is/was still offensive... I can't defend that. But I can remind myself of what my motivations were, in order to intercept those in the future, or be aware of which states of mind are likely to be susceptible. And remind myself to let go of the need to be right, even right about my self-views. So far, it has worked... twice this fall I've pulled back from posting things after questioning my motives. But it will require vigilance, and probably help from friends if it seems like I'm backsliding.

And other actions... first and foremost, personal apologies to those who were nearest-and-dearest at those times, or were caught up as collateral damage. patgreene, dawnd, geekchick immediately come to mind. I have talked to all of them personally. And while it is probably too late to ever be on friendly terms with some of the people on the other side, given their own behaviors, I want to try to bridge-build a bit, and reestablish contact with those folks who weren't particularly nasty to me at the time.

And no, I'm not a worthless schmuck, either, and this isn't an exercise in self-flagellation. Or grovelling, either. I suppose it is another [expletive] growth experience, perhaps. I'm too competent and capable otherwise to keep sabotaging myself in this fashion.

Comments

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

And while it is probably too late to ever be on friendly terms with some of the people on the other side, given their own behaviors,

"...and my own"?

good insights

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

And remind myself to let go of the need to be right, even right about my self-views

Oy. *seeble* This one is extremely difficult for some of us. :^/ I'm glad it's working for you. Keep at it!

And thanks for the apology. I certainly shot myself in the foot enough in that whole process, but I'll agree that my initial involvement could probably be labeled "collateral damage." Although I still think it was in extremely bad taste (at the very least) to essentially attack you in your own journal, it seems that the original inflammatory comment to which I responded wasn't so far off the mark after all. :^/ I think I learned a thing or two out of that whole debacle, and it looks like you have too. Hopefully, this is true for all of the involved parties, as I'd hate to think that that much pain and anger was all for naught.

[who-is-she.livejournal.com]

Well, my opinion, as someone who has no clue about any of this (smile, blissfully ignorant!) is that it appears that you are experiencing some real growth.... and that, my friend, is even better than 'control':
it is really learning about yourself, what makes you tick, what you do unconsciously, discovering more about how to make conscious choices, instead of falling into old patterns. Realizing that there are other ways to feel content and validated in this world, than to confirm old icky beliefs about yourself that were never true,... and are not true now.
(they are called self-fulfilling prophecies.... I think?)

it's a REALLY big lesson, and very empowering.
congratulations!
I enjoyed seeing this post, and learning of your progress.
it's really good stuff!