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Still here
Oct. 31st, 2001 10:46 pmI'm still here... we're still in an uneasy truce here at home. I talked yesterday with our church's priest, one of Pat's confidants... he said that polyamory could be ethical, even that there is scriptural content supporting both poly and monogamy. But he felt that poly was more complex, "uncharted waters" and an additional load to carry (on top of three special-ed kids and a fragile, depressive primary). I talked about my relationships and friendships and how they actually helped me to stay engaged at home, rather than making things harder. He got it... coming up with an analogy of Pat-as-drowning-person, my swimming out to her holding a lifeline, which in turn is being held by Nancy and Julie and my other friends and loves. I swim out, then Pat tells me to drop the lifeline so I can grab her. If I do, then unsupported we may both drown.
At the same time, he encouraged me to pursue more same-sex friends and groups, both because I'm unbalanced (nearly all of my friends are female) and because this would be less threatening to Pat. He said that he understood my reluctance to sever ties, and that he didn't throw away people either. So that was all encouraging and generally positive... I think I can be comfortable staying in my church, if nothing else.
At the same time, he thought that to get Pat's attention, save the marriage and prove my sincerity I needed to come up with a significant gesture... but something I could do and mean it. And he recommended further constraining or "bracketing" my poly activities in the meanwhile.
I mentioned a bit of this to Pat and she seemed a bit disappointed... kind of like she was expecting a more vehement, repent-or-else approach from the priest towards me.
We had another couples counselling session this morning... less dramatic than the last one, certainly. Mostly spent discussing parenting strategies, then a bit of status updates at the end. Pat and I both left feeling incomplete or empty... it is as though this therapist has decided (after 3 visits) that Pat and I can't possibly stay together and his job is now to facilitate our divorce. Which may happen, but neither of us have given up yet.
Halloween was fun with the kids, both in school parades and parties and in trick-or-treating this evening. Just watching the gamut of emotions flit across their faces... a delight. And skating afterward was a good stress release and let me burn off some of the candy calories...
At the same time, he encouraged me to pursue more same-sex friends and groups, both because I'm unbalanced (nearly all of my friends are female) and because this would be less threatening to Pat. He said that he understood my reluctance to sever ties, and that he didn't throw away people either. So that was all encouraging and generally positive... I think I can be comfortable staying in my church, if nothing else.
At the same time, he thought that to get Pat's attention, save the marriage and prove my sincerity I needed to come up with a significant gesture... but something I could do and mean it. And he recommended further constraining or "bracketing" my poly activities in the meanwhile.
I mentioned a bit of this to Pat and she seemed a bit disappointed... kind of like she was expecting a more vehement, repent-or-else approach from the priest towards me.
We had another couples counselling session this morning... less dramatic than the last one, certainly. Mostly spent discussing parenting strategies, then a bit of status updates at the end. Pat and I both left feeling incomplete or empty... it is as though this therapist has decided (after 3 visits) that Pat and I can't possibly stay together and his job is now to facilitate our divorce. Which may happen, but neither of us have given up yet.
Halloween was fun with the kids, both in school parades and parties and in trick-or-treating this evening. Just watching the gamut of emotions flit across their faces... a delight. And skating afterward was a good stress release and let me burn off some of the candy calories...
