Still here

[jay]

I'm still here... we're still in an uneasy truce here at home. I talked yesterday with our church's priest, one of Pat's confidants... he said that polyamory could be ethical, even that there is scriptural content supporting both poly and monogamy. But he felt that poly was more complex, "uncharted waters" and an additional load to carry (on top of three special-ed kids and a fragile, depressive primary). I talked about my relationships and friendships and how they actually helped me to stay engaged at home, rather than making things harder. He got it... coming up with an analogy of Pat-as-drowning-person, my swimming out to her holding a lifeline, which in turn is being held by Nancy and Julie and my other friends and loves. I swim out, then Pat tells me to drop the lifeline so I can grab her. If I do, then unsupported we may both drown.

At the same time, he encouraged me to pursue more same-sex friends and groups, both because I'm unbalanced (nearly all of my friends are female) and because this would be less threatening to Pat. He said that he understood my reluctance to sever ties, and that he didn't throw away people either. So that was all encouraging and generally positive... I think I can be comfortable staying in my church, if nothing else.

At the same time, he thought that to get Pat's attention, save the marriage and prove my sincerity I needed to come up with a significant gesture... but something I could do and mean it. And he recommended further constraining or "bracketing" my poly activities in the meanwhile.

I mentioned a bit of this to Pat and she seemed a bit disappointed... kind of like she was expecting a more vehement, repent-or-else approach from the priest towards me.

We had another couples counselling session this morning... less dramatic than the last one, certainly. Mostly spent discussing parenting strategies, then a bit of status updates at the end. Pat and I both left feeling incomplete or empty... it is as though this therapist has decided (after 3 visits) that Pat and I can't possibly stay together and his job is now to facilitate our divorce. Which may happen, but neither of us have given up yet.

Halloween was fun with the kids, both in school parades and parties and in trick-or-treating this evening. Just watching the gamut of emotions flit across their faces... a delight. And skating afterward was a good stress release and let me burn off some of the candy calories...

Comments

MAS/GAS. Please ignore.

[firecat]

I don't like the sound of that therapist. It's not their place to tell you to break up. It's their place to facilitate what *you* want to do.

I'm glad that the priest is fairly sensible at least.

On the other hand, I am not sure I agree with his suggestion to "pursue more same-sex friends and groups, both because I'm unbalanced (nearly all of my friends are female) and because this would be less threatening to Pat." I don't think it is necessary to have "balance" in the gender of one's friends. (If you do think it's important to you, that's another story, but I don't think it's necessary in some objective sense.) And I think choosing your friends on the basis of their not threatening your spouse...well, if you can, that's good. But I think there should be regard for what you want and need in a friendship too.

Re: MAS/GAS. Please ignore.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Heh. Actually, I'd rather not ignore you :-).

Agreed regarding the therapist. Granted, he's only seen us four times (and three of those have been, well, dramatic at points) but I'd still change if we weren't at a delicate stage of negotiations. Both Pat and I left his office feeling oddly unsatisfied and incomplete.

Friend-wise, I think that the priest has a hatchet to grind, in the sense that he's been lobbying me for a couple of years to hang out with the church's men's group. Apparently a couple of guys have expressed an interest in my presence or participation. OTOH, I'm usually much more comfortable around women...

Re: MAS/GAS. Please ignore.

[firecat]

I wonder how come the guys who want you to participate in the men's group haven't asked you directly?

Re: MAS/GAS. Please ignore.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Heh. Actually, a couple of them have invited me, in the past, but I've declined. Something about gender-segregated religious groups rubs me the wrong way... maybe triggering childhood memories in conservative Southern Baptist settings. Plus it is simply easier to relax around women, or at least when there are some women present...

Re: MAS/GAS. Please ignore.

[firecat]

You are hetero-social. :-)

[elynne.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear that the priest is sensible - though it's too bad that he sounds more sensible than your therapist. :( Interesting, to hear him say that there are justifications for both monogamy and polyamory in the Bible; I knew that, but it's rare to hear somebody of a religious persuasion actually say that in regards to a living person's relationships. Refreshing, too.

Ice skating, or roller skating? It's been forever-and-ever since I've gone roller skating. I'd like to go again soon, if I can figure out how. Ice skating, though, has never been my thing. As Peppermint Patty said, I have weak ankles. ;) Or is that Marcie? I don't remember, one of them.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I'm continually underestimating that priest... he says that I'm projecting from my past history in conservative Baptist churches (black-and-white morals, independent thought discouraged). The therapist is a looming problem, though... :-(

Actually, I'm taking ice skating lessons on Wednesday nights, both to keep up with my three boys and because I have ambitions of ice dancing with a certain LDR sweetie someday :-).

[(Anonymous)]

Hey! Brian has a livejournal! I'll definitely have to come visit more often.

-J