my backsliding, exclusion of others?

On the one hand, I don't feel like I'm inherently unworthy and unlovable as result of Wednesday night, so that's an improvement over the past. But I have still blown it... I promised myself a month ago to stop looking for external reassurement or validation, and therefore I should not have let the absence of such affect me at all. Grr. As soon as I needed a shoulder, off I went. (shakes head) This is going to be harder than I could have imagined.

Thanks to both dawnd at lunch and p3aches tonight for their friendly reality-check inputs. :)

One thing that popped up in a comment in someone else's journal... about people feeling excluded. I try to not say "no" to requests unless core health or safety issues are at stake for me... not merely for my wants or convenience. I initially thought "of course I haven't excluded anyone", but the idea has been wriggling memelike since then, finally seeding a small doubt.

No one has ever told me that they've felt excluded by me... if anyone has, I hope that they'd tell me so, either by comment or email, as well as my behaviors at the time. Otherwise, I'm going to assume that I'm in the clear on that issue...

More remoteness?

In other work news... one of the Mars-analog drilling projects is planning a 2-week field season on Ellesmere Island in Canada, at the fijord near the Eureka weather station with a stop on Axel Heiberg on the way back. I had tapped a student intern SD to go and run her drill data-acquisition hardware and software, but the field dates have slipped due to Polar Shelf opening late this year (in turn, due to funding cuts in Natural Resources Canada under the new Martin government). Therefore it has slipped to the first two weeks of June, and now conflicts with finals week for the student. The project lead wants me in SD's place, both as her supervisor and because I'm familiar with Arctic conditions and hazards. (My theory is that Geoff wants me there to hold the shotgun... the software needs little intervention, once running.) So I may make two polar-region trips this summer... 81N would be my highest latitude yet.

puzzled...

What's wrong with "self-denial while helping others-in-need" as an ethic? For me it feels like almost a matter of honor...

(wince)

I just set up patgreene, inadvertently... due to a variety of circumstances, kineticphoenix and sarahh were late picking up hopeforyou from work... I was giving her a ride, so offered to just bring her back home to wait. Big mistake... patgreene got a half-hour notice. The house was dirty, and the kids... were embarrassing. They practically swarmed poor Hope, who was tipsy to begin with. James was sullen and depressed. Hope looked relieved to leave, once her ride arrived... Laura and Sarah just looked bemused and a bit uncomfortable.

After they left, I felt ashamed of our terrible hospitality. Pat went back to her room and burst into tears. Augh.