I feel awful...

[jay]

Depressed, lonely and a social outcast. What a party. None of the three honoree/hosts are on LJ, so I'll be open. I have hit my head against two different walls in the past hour... intentionally, Waugh. It is bad enough to wander at a gathering from room to room, finding no one interested in talking, when one is in a group of strangers. It is much worse when this happens in a gathering that includes some of one's friends.



Case in point... one of the honorees, a nominally close friend, only spoke to me for more than two sentences all evening -- to ask me to help clean up and then tell me where to put leftovers. Other people I knew just wandered away when I showed up in a given room. There were ten people in the hot tub when I went out -- ten minutes later, it was down to just me and three others. The whole party was like that. I feel like I was wearing an invisible sign saying "Warning, stay at a distance" the whole night. Thank goodness for 7patches, who was the only person who talked with me-- about anything-- for more than five minutes. Otherwise I would have felt completely unwanted there.

And I'm touch-deprived... there was a lot of cuddling in places, even a puppy pile in the den at one point. Backrubs, casual touch... SOs kissing each other on the couch.... all very nice for the participants, but kind of hard to sit alone and watch. I should bring someone with me to these kinds of events, so at least I'll know there's someone whose hand I can literally hold. (Pat was sick and stayed home... I was late arriving because I needed to wait until the kids were tucked-in) Another downside of having LDRs, I guess...

By the end, body language alone was probably tense enough to keep people at a distance. I forced a smile, thanked the hosts and told them that it was fun, and left. After a safe distance away, I screamed aloud, just to vent some of the pent-up rage and frustration. Then sobbed quietly in the car on the way home. This feels ridiculous... it was just a silly social event and I'm not 14 years old. Nothing life-changing happened. I don't know why I'm so depressed and affected, unless it is somehow feeling cut-off or ostracised from the local community. (shakes head)

Sigh...

Comments

[rosefox]

I've had nights like that too, believe it or not. It happens to everyone; it isn't just you, and I'm quite sure you haven't been ostracized from the community. *hugs* I'm sorry you had such a rough time.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hug. (wan smile)

This has to be the worst time I've had at a party in several years... but other folks seemed to be quite enjoying themselves. Except for the person who was served with a restraining order at the party, by an ex-SO who showed up at the door, dropped off food, served the papers, said goodbyes around and departed. Maybe it was just the wrong crowd for me, or a wrong attitude on my part, or something... (shrug).

[rosefox]

This has to be the worst time I've had at a party in several years... but other folks seemed to be quite enjoying themselves. Except for the person who was served with a restraining order at the party, by an ex-SO who showed up at the door, dropped off food, served the papers, said goodbyes around and departed.

Um. Goodness. I think I'm glad I didn't go.

As for other people enjoying themselves, I've found that it can be very hard to tell how people really feel when they're in social settings. You were trying to put on a brave face over discomfort; how many other people were too?

It could have been a combination of any number of factors. But the next party you go to has to be better, right? *)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Heh. If there is a next party... I may not be invited anywhere after my reaction to last night. (sheepish grin)

You're right, there were others visibly trying to put on a happy face... I wasn't the only wallflower-not-by-choice there. And the whole restraining-order episode put a damper on the evening, IMO. My friend spent much of the evening comforting the person receiving the papers, and was crabby afterward. And the person hosting the event was sick and spent half the evening in seclusion, napping. Things just spiraled...

[elynne.livejournal.com]

Yeesh... for what it's worth, if I'd seen that, I probably would've had an anti-social not-so-good time, and I'm usually a social butterfly. I'm very sorry to hear that you had a bad time. :[

During my 29th birthday party, I had a sudden depressive slump, and spent the second half of the party downstairs in Sarah's room crying. It happens sometimes. That's part of why I don't often go to parties that aren't held in my own house - when they happen at home, I know I can go hide somewhere. :\

Take care, and I hope you feel better soon. *virtualhugs*

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(hug) gratefully accepted ;-).

As I think about it, I was edgy going in... I had had a sigificant argument and bruised feelings with one partner (Nancy) on Thursday, and again at home with Pat on Friday... negative momentum. Tense and looking (perhaps too eagerly) for personal interaction and companionship, to relax and feel better. Instead, things went in the other direction. Oh, well... thanks for your sympathies (smile).

sorry you had a difficult time

[7patches.livejournal.com]

Each person there was at a different party. The hosts set the mood somewhat, and our relationship with those people, directly or indirectly, effected our feelings at the party. Would I go to a party hosted by someone with whom there is already tension? probably not. It would start off with tension, and I would feel as if my movements were being judged. But that's just me.

I hope you feel more relaxed and included in the next party you attend. Fortunately there are several regular events that are not as sensually charged, so the kinds of interactions and feelings of exclusion would have a different dynamic. Best wishes for more comfortable socializing.

Re: sorry you had a difficult time

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the sympathy, and for being friendly there :-).

In an ideal world, I might not go to events hosted by someone with whom I have tension, either... but, I have so few opportunities (maybe five per year) that each invitation is precious.

Besides, I *am* being judged by the person in question... not just last night, but at every get together (group or one-on-one). Every interaction, however innocuous, has to be double-filtered for content and implications. (shrug) But that's just part of the maintenance cost of being a friend of that person, it goes with the territory. My experience is that if one isn't willing to pay substantial energy and maintenance costs, one has very few friends, and no close ones... so I just have to grit my teeth here. Besides, I would have been negatively judged had I opted not to attend...

As far as sensuality goes... did I look that tense and uncomfortable? I've been to other events with (considerably :) more sensual charge than this one, and had a good time. The difference at those events was that there was someone at the event that I could "check in" with, that I felt would be accepting of a casual touch or cuddle. Or more, depending on the overall context.;-) But last night, there was no one there I felt at all emotionally-connected with, and no one that I felt would welcome any kind of touching. So seeing others in a sensual space simply amplified my own burgeoning feelings of isolation and rejection. But that was because of the specific situation and mix of people present, not a general discomfort with sensually-charged contexts...

Re: sorry you had a difficult time

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

As far as sensuality goes... did I look that tense and uncomfortable?

FWIW: Yes. At least, I thought so. You seemed a bit standoffish, and I debated whether I should go over and talk to you. I got the impression (however in/correct it may have been) that you wanted to be left alone, otherwise you would have been out mingling with others more. As it turns out, my mood-o-meter apparently was busted...I wish I had gone over and talked to you. I'm sorry I didn't know how badly the evening was going for you.

But last night, there was no one there I felt at all emotionally-connected with, and no one that I felt would welcome any kind of touching.

I can understand not feeling emotionally connected with folks. To be honest, there were a lot of people at that party I didn't know, and a number of people I did not know well -- I've seen them maybe two or three times total in the past couple years. Or seen them but never talked to them. Thankfully, there were some people that were acquaintances of mine, and a few good friends. It made the evening better to have the_ogre, 7patches, sinboy and Mik there...especially after my not-so-hot hot tub experience (I'm now thoroughly bruised on my arm and both legs).

Parties in general: I generally have trouble talking to someone new for the first time unless someone introduces me. Or if sinboy is by my side -- he's somewhat more extroverted than I am and it's easier for him to provide an "opening line" at times for him than it is for me. I've tried to learn what I can from him, and thus become more sociable and willing to approach new folks. It has worked, but it doesn't always...in a big enough crowd of people in a small space, I end up feeling overwhelmed at times. I sometimes need to slip away to a room by myself or with one or two people only before socializing again.

Re touching: If that happens again (and I hope it does not happen for you; that feeling of being alone in a crowd sucks), please don't hesitate to come up to me and ask for a hug. Or just hug me. I don't mind. =)

*hug*

Re: sorry you had a difficult time

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

You seemed a bit standoffish

Thanks for the feedback... that wasn't my intention. Actually, going in I was eager to talk and interact with folks, and hopefully be able to relax and feel energized.

impression that you wanted to be left alone...

(nod) Just the opposite, I was almost desperate for company. After a while, I got the impression that no one wanted to talk to me, and at that point perhaps body language became more defensive. But thanks, again...

And I guess that it *is* possible to have too many people in a (tepid) tub, after all!

At least I got to meet Mik for the first time... and (http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=7patches)7patches (http://www.livejournal.com/users/7patches/) was sweet. Although she's inscrutable to me, I can never ascertain her emotional state and tell whether she's interested and friendly or bored and taking-pity at a given moment.

And having a companion at a party is a Good Idea, I think... not only for introductions, but for periodically re-grounding oneself.

And thanks greatly for the hug offer... I'm almost paranoid about potentially forcing unwanted touches on other people, to the extent that I hardly ever reach out to someone unless they are clearly welcoming or else overtly issue an invitation.

Oh man, does this hit close to home for me. :(

[gloriajn.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had such a rough time. The reason this hits home for me is your experience is so typical for me when I go to parties and social gatherings, which is why I try to stay away from them. Anyway, I know how painful this must have been for you.

Re: Oh man, does this hit close to home for me. :(

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(wince) ow, that must be awful... it is bad enough when it happens every couple of years!

Well..

[the-ogre.livejournal.com]

...I had actually wanted to talk to you for a bit, but the people-dynamic, and the fact that I got distracted (something that does tend to happen to me at parties) made that not happen.

You've my sympathy though, if it helps - I've been there too (two pool paries back, in fact), and I know how bad it can feel. I hope you're feeling better today.

Re: Well..

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(smile) thanks for mentioning that.

I'm better today, less down. The last time that I came away from an event feeling this depressed was two years ago after an East Bay poly pool party (as you referenced). Thanks for the sympathy... :-).