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I feel awful...
Depressed, lonely and a social outcast. What a party. None of the three honoree/hosts are on LJ, so I'll be open. I have hit my head against two different walls in the past hour... intentionally, Waugh. It is bad enough to wander at a gathering from room to room, finding no one interested in talking, when one is in a group of strangers. It is much worse when this happens in a gathering that includes some of one's friends.
Case in point... one of the honorees, a nominally close friend, only spoke to me for more than two sentences all evening -- to ask me to help clean up and then tell me where to put leftovers. Other people I knew just wandered away when I showed up in a given room. There were ten people in the hot tub when I went out -- ten minutes later, it was down to just me and three others. The whole party was like that. I feel like I was wearing an invisible sign saying "Warning, stay at a distance" the whole night. Thank goodness for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
7patches, who was the only person who talked with me-- about anything-- for more than five minutes. Otherwise I would have felt completely unwanted there.
And I'm touch-deprived... there was a lot of cuddling in places, even a puppy pile in the den at one point. Backrubs, casual touch... SOs kissing each other on the couch.... all very nice for the participants, but kind of hard to sit alone and watch. I should bring someone with me to these kinds of events, so at least I'll know there's someone whose hand I can literally hold. (Pat was sick and stayed home... I was late arriving because I needed to wait until the kids were tucked-in) Another downside of having LDRs, I guess...
By the end, body language alone was probably tense enough to keep people at a distance. I forced a smile, thanked the hosts and told them that it was fun, and left. After a safe distance away, I screamed aloud, just to vent some of the pent-up rage and frustration. Then sobbed quietly in the car on the way home. This feels ridiculous... it was just a silly social event and I'm not 14 years old. Nothing life-changing happened. I don't know why I'm so depressed and affected, unless it is somehow feeling cut-off or ostracised from the local community. (shakes head)
Sigh...
Case in point... one of the honorees, a nominally close friend, only spoke to me for more than two sentences all evening -- to ask me to help clean up and then tell me where to put leftovers. Other people I knew just wandered away when I showed up in a given room. There were ten people in the hot tub when I went out -- ten minutes later, it was down to just me and three others. The whole party was like that. I feel like I was wearing an invisible sign saying "Warning, stay at a distance" the whole night. Thank goodness for
7patches, who was the only person who talked with me-- about anything-- for more than five minutes. Otherwise I would have felt completely unwanted there.And I'm touch-deprived... there was a lot of cuddling in places, even a puppy pile in the den at one point. Backrubs, casual touch... SOs kissing each other on the couch.... all very nice for the participants, but kind of hard to sit alone and watch. I should bring someone with me to these kinds of events, so at least I'll know there's someone whose hand I can literally hold. (Pat was sick and stayed home... I was late arriving because I needed to wait until the kids were tucked-in) Another downside of having LDRs, I guess...
By the end, body language alone was probably tense enough to keep people at a distance. I forced a smile, thanked the hosts and told them that it was fun, and left. After a safe distance away, I screamed aloud, just to vent some of the pent-up rage and frustration. Then sobbed quietly in the car on the way home. This feels ridiculous... it was just a silly social event and I'm not 14 years old. Nothing life-changing happened. I don't know why I'm so depressed and affected, unless it is somehow feeling cut-off or ostracised from the local community. (shakes head)
Sigh...
Well..
You've my sympathy though, if it helps - I've been there too (two pool paries back, in fact), and I know how bad it can feel. I hope you're feeling better today.
Re: Well..
I'm better today, less down. The last time that I came away from an event feeling this depressed was two years ago after an East Bay poly pool party (as you referenced). Thanks for the sympathy... :-).