Declaration of independence
Mar. 26th, 2004 08:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayI need to change some things in my life... but for MYSELF, not to please others. Change must be internally motivated if it is going to stick, and if I'm going to feel good about it.
Basically, I'm politely telling my communities, and friends, and parents, and family, and people in my past and present to all collectively sod off. Nothing personal, but I'm absolutely fed up.
I'm sick of tying my own sense of self to others' responses or my evaluations of their responses. Screw it all.
Whether that's my parents' shame at my being a victim when I was a kid... or that I wasn't their perfect conservative fundie married-a-cheerleader son... or both critical people/fans of mine online in newsgroups or LJ... or my friends, or Pat, or communities, or my work colleagues... I'm tired of blowing in the wind. In their power. I'm taking back that power to define myself.
I'm a dynamic, intense, bright, spiritual, talented person... some others won't click with me. Fine. Others may get along OK. Fine. Some will like me. Fine. People that don't appreciate what I have to offer... that's their problem. If someone won't hold my hand, that doesn't mean I'm a figurative turnip... it is their issue, their hand rash or their fear or emotional barriers.
Maybe this is too much drama, or too personal... but no one is being forced to stay and read, here. Feel free to de-friend me... and don't let the barn door hit you.
It is like public speaking... If I have an audience of 500, 20% are going to dislike my style, presentation content, or fall asleep for reasons of their own. 50% will be mildly interested. 20% will be interested and engaged and will learn something, and 10% will come up to me afterward and ask for more information. These are reliably true in any audience, +-10% None of this means anything about me as a person. I intend to let go of any attachment as to who falls into what category.
I can be committed to my family and friendships and communities... without having to be be attached to anyone's response to me. Or taking that external input as *defining* who I am. At work, I can be committed to a performance, to a process, to a project... without being attached to a standing ovation. Or thrilling Aunt Fran in the third row... she may have indigestion! NASA headquarters managers have turned down proposals of mine because it was outside their area... or before its time. That doesn't mean that the ideas are bad, or that I'm incompetent. I intend to migrate that attitude to my personal life.
And taking risks means losing sometimes. I can roll the dice and gamble with multiple-million-dollar programs, other people's jobs, expensive equipment... if the payoffs and risk levels are worth it. I did that last week, with the Spanish remote operations work, and won -- the PI came to me, apologized, and it solidified her support (that had been eroding). I have been unable or unwilling to let go of result-attachments enough to do this personally.
To hell with it. I'm going to try to be more of my genuine self and less of what I think others want from me. If I offend or drive people away as a result, so be it. Sometimes the plane crashes or rover flips into a ditch. And I want to stop self-deprecating... either as a weed-out (which I have done) or to make others feel less intimidated by me.... to make myself nonthreatening. I want to be myself, and I'm tired of talking myself down in order to fit in. Or as a challenge, or as a filter to see who will see through it (and hence be worth my future attention). Some people will see me as a manipulative bastard or a drama king, no matter what. I'm not going to be attached to their (lack of) approval, either.
I'm sick of guarding others' boundaries preemptively. Caretaking is for sick family members, only. Temporarily. I'd owe you a favor if you kick me whenever I start doing this.
I don't care whether anyone reading this approves or not. If you want to comment, fine, I respect others' observations... but don't expect me to automatically own them as my own. Or even respond.
I'm going to declare my independence, redefine my self-concept internally instead of desperately looking for external validation, and give everyone collectively an upraised middle finger. I'm a good, worthwhile person whether anyone else says so, notices, or approves of me generally. Live with it.
Basically, I'm politely telling my communities, and friends, and parents, and family, and people in my past and present to all collectively sod off. Nothing personal, but I'm absolutely fed up.
I'm sick of tying my own sense of self to others' responses or my evaluations of their responses. Screw it all.
Whether that's my parents' shame at my being a victim when I was a kid... or that I wasn't their perfect conservative fundie married-a-cheerleader son... or both critical people/fans of mine online in newsgroups or LJ... or my friends, or Pat, or communities, or my work colleagues... I'm tired of blowing in the wind. In their power. I'm taking back that power to define myself.
I'm a dynamic, intense, bright, spiritual, talented person... some others won't click with me. Fine. Others may get along OK. Fine. Some will like me. Fine. People that don't appreciate what I have to offer... that's their problem. If someone won't hold my hand, that doesn't mean I'm a figurative turnip... it is their issue, their hand rash or their fear or emotional barriers.
Maybe this is too much drama, or too personal... but no one is being forced to stay and read, here. Feel free to de-friend me... and don't let the barn door hit you.
It is like public speaking... If I have an audience of 500, 20% are going to dislike my style, presentation content, or fall asleep for reasons of their own. 50% will be mildly interested. 20% will be interested and engaged and will learn something, and 10% will come up to me afterward and ask for more information. These are reliably true in any audience, +-10% None of this means anything about me as a person. I intend to let go of any attachment as to who falls into what category.
I can be committed to my family and friendships and communities... without having to be be attached to anyone's response to me. Or taking that external input as *defining* who I am. At work, I can be committed to a performance, to a process, to a project... without being attached to a standing ovation. Or thrilling Aunt Fran in the third row... she may have indigestion! NASA headquarters managers have turned down proposals of mine because it was outside their area... or before its time. That doesn't mean that the ideas are bad, or that I'm incompetent. I intend to migrate that attitude to my personal life.
And taking risks means losing sometimes. I can roll the dice and gamble with multiple-million-dollar programs, other people's jobs, expensive equipment... if the payoffs and risk levels are worth it. I did that last week, with the Spanish remote operations work, and won -- the PI came to me, apologized, and it solidified her support (that had been eroding). I have been unable or unwilling to let go of result-attachments enough to do this personally.
To hell with it. I'm going to try to be more of my genuine self and less of what I think others want from me. If I offend or drive people away as a result, so be it. Sometimes the plane crashes or rover flips into a ditch. And I want to stop self-deprecating... either as a weed-out (which I have done) or to make others feel less intimidated by me.... to make myself nonthreatening. I want to be myself, and I'm tired of talking myself down in order to fit in. Or as a challenge, or as a filter to see who will see through it (and hence be worth my future attention). Some people will see me as a manipulative bastard or a drama king, no matter what. I'm not going to be attached to their (lack of) approval, either.
I'm sick of guarding others' boundaries preemptively. Caretaking is for sick family members, only. Temporarily. I'd owe you a favor if you kick me whenever I start doing this.
I don't care whether anyone reading this approves or not. If you want to comment, fine, I respect others' observations... but don't expect me to automatically own them as my own. Or even respond.
I'm going to declare my independence, redefine my self-concept internally instead of desperately looking for external validation, and give everyone collectively an upraised middle finger. I'm a good, worthwhile person whether anyone else says so, notices, or approves of me generally. Live with it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-03-27 05:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-27 05:36 am (UTC)(And don't you DARE take my approval as something to define yourself by *grins*. You've done yourself proud all on your own stick. Good on you.)
no subject
Date: 2004-03-27 06:21 am (UTC)In any case, your post gave me a bit to think about, about my life. Thanks.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-27 07:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-27 10:57 am (UTC)-J
no subject
Date: 2004-03-27 12:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-27 05:04 pm (UTC)Why do I have this urge to play The Frantic's "Ti Kwan Leap" skit here?
I'm going to declare my independence, redefine my self-concept internally instead of desperately looking for external validation, and give everyone collectively an upraised middle finger. I'm a good, worthwhile person whether anyone else says so, notices, or approves of me generally. Live with it.
I'm glad that you're trying more to take your own feelings as just as important as other peoples. It's an important step.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-27 06:43 pm (UTC)I wish him success.
===|==============/ Level Head
Right on Dude!!!!
Date: 2004-03-27 05:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-28 12:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-29 03:02 am (UTC)