Must learn to be more selfish... maybe

[jay]

I was pressed by our couples therapist last night... she went after patgreene on staying-sick-to-draw-Brian's-attention, but spent a half hour challenging me on my focus. Which is external... around home, my motivations are "what's my duty and obligations? What can I do to help, or to fulfill the needs of Pat and the boys? What do they want me to do, or be?" I'm not there because I'm having fun or because I want to be there for myself, I'm being there to serve them. Even when they (or at least, Pat) doesn't want to be caretaken.

I was asked, point-blank, "what do you like? What would be enjoyable and fun for you? First in-general, and then later fun-with them-specifically?" Instead of viewing home as just another worksite... I often dread weekends because of the lack of anything to do, or accomplish. Nothing to fix, except home-improvement.

I don't know what I enjoy. What my preferences are. After 20 years of being focussed on fixing and supporting others, it is hard to look in the mirror.

Pressed again by the therapist, I had to admit that I just didn't think in hedonistic terms. Self-pleasure is far, far down on my priorities, other than some abstract things like sense-of-accomplishment. "Try to become like a 7-year-old and go play in the mud... can you let go, and do that? Just being in the moment, not looking ahead to the muddy laundry?"

I seem to have to justify everything in terms of either its benefit to others, or of avoiding future problems (like working out to stay fit... skating is rationalized similarly) and hence avoiding dependencies. I can't bring myself to be selfish -- not in the sense of doing something just for fun, just because I like it or it feels good. *Especially* not if that requires asking anything of others, thereby inconveniencing them or potentially owing them debts.

I've been willing to nominally serve others' needs, in order to maintain the surplus of emotional capital that gives me control over my own life. To ask, to owe a favor, is to be vulnerable and lose control. For me, it requires a huge amount of trust in the other person(s) and in their perceived competency, to be willing to accept gifts or assistance. Arguably, by not sharing myself on equal terms, I'm being selfish on some deeper level...

Comments

[griffen.livejournal.com]

I've had it put to me that not accepting gifts (of time, of energy, of whatever) is false modesty, and that it's also mean. Think about how much pleasure you get out of helping others or giving to them. Why do you want to deny them the same pleasure out of helping you or giving to you? It took me a long time to admit that I didn't want anyone else to feel that good about themselves -- because if they did, they wouldn't need me anymore.

Being needed is... okay. Being wanted is INFINITELY preferable, however.

I'm glad you're doing this necessary work. *hugs*

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Being *wanted*... is out of my control. It is subjective, determined by others. But being *useful* is just a matter of seizing opportunities and volunteering, things which can be managed myself.

I have no a priori reason to expect that others would want to help me or give to me... and while I don't consciously track what others owe me for services rendered (ugh!), at the same time it is scary to contemplate any kind of negative balance (dependency, even briefly).

because if they did, they wouldn't need me anymore

(nods) undoubtedly a factor somewhere between Pat and myself. If/when she gets completely healthy, she won't need me anymore and there'll be no reason for her to keep me around... a motivation that I've been fighting, internally.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Being *wanted*... is out of my control. It is subjective, determined by others. But being *useful* is just a matter of seizing opportunities and volunteering, things which can be managed myself.

The problem is, being "needed" gets you resented after a while. People generally don't like being dependent on others. It grates on them. And, yes, I mean submissives, too. The submissives who know how to submit also know what their own boundaries are, and they *choose* to submit rather than doing it because they feel they *have* to or else face ruin. I've had both kinds of submissive; the ones who lasted were the ones who didn't "need" me to dom them but instead *wanted* me to.

I have no a priori reason to expect that others would want to help me or give to me...

You also have no a priori reason NOT to expect that others would want to help you or give to you. I both want to help you and I want to give to you; I've had a crush on you ever since I met you, and you know that, I think. I would dearly love to be the one helping YOU for a change. Would you deny that to me, when you know how good it feels to be the giver?

when she gets completely healthy, she won't need me anymore and there'll be no reason for her to keep me around.

Actually, I think there'll be quite a few reasons to keep you around. The first and most important reason is called Brian1789. *smiles*

[dangerpudding.livejournal.com]

I have no a priori reason to expect that others would want to help me or give to me... and while I don't consciously track what others owe me for services rendered (ugh!), at the same time it is scary to contemplate any kind of negative balance (dependency, even briefly).

For me, this is the difference between dependance, and reliance. It's ok for me to be reliant on someone- to expect them to do what they've agreed to do, knowing that if I need to I can take care of it myself or do without. It's problematic to be dependant on someone- to *need* them to do something because I don't have the ability/resources/whatever to do it myself.

The difference between want and need. The knowledge that I *can* meet my own needs, even if I'd prefer not to, and be happier if I'm not.

It's ok to sometimes have the balance be a little tweaked for a while, it will come back. When my best friend and I were in high school, we would cover eachother financially when the other was short. We didn't track this, because we'd decided that it all evened out over time and we didn't want to fuss with it. We still do this sometimes when we're together. I think it's similar with non-obvious forms of giving and sharing- I don't track how many hugs I've initiated vs. they've initiated- it would be silly.