Must learn to be more selfish... maybe
Apr. 9th, 2004 09:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayI was pressed by our couples therapist last night... she went after patgreene on staying-sick-to-draw-Brian's-attention, but spent a half hour challenging me on my focus. Which is external... around home, my motivations are "what's my duty and obligations? What can I do to help, or to fulfill the needs of Pat and the boys? What do they want me to do, or be?" I'm not there because I'm having fun or because I want to be there for myself, I'm being there to serve them. Even when they (or at least, Pat) doesn't want to be caretaken.
I was asked, point-blank, "what do you like? What would be enjoyable and fun for you? First in-general, and then later fun-with them-specifically?" Instead of viewing home as just another worksite... I often dread weekends because of the lack of anything to do, or accomplish. Nothing to fix, except home-improvement.
I don't know what I enjoy. What my preferences are. After 20 years of being focussed on fixing and supporting others, it is hard to look in the mirror.
Pressed again by the therapist, I had to admit that I just didn't think in hedonistic terms. Self-pleasure is far, far down on my priorities, other than some abstract things like sense-of-accomplishment. "Try to become like a 7-year-old and go play in the mud... can you let go, and do that? Just being in the moment, not looking ahead to the muddy laundry?"
I seem to have to justify everything in terms of either its benefit to others, or of avoiding future problems (like working out to stay fit... skating is rationalized similarly) and hence avoiding dependencies. I can't bring myself to be selfish -- not in the sense of doing something just for fun, just because I like it or it feels good. *Especially* not if that requires asking anything of others, thereby inconveniencing them or potentially owing them debts.
I've been willing to nominally serve others' needs, in order to maintain the surplus of emotional capital that gives me control over my own life. To ask, to owe a favor, is to be vulnerable and lose control. For me, it requires a huge amount of trust in the other person(s) and in their perceived competency, to be willing to accept gifts or assistance. Arguably, by not sharing myself on equal terms, I'm being selfish on some deeper level...
patgreene on staying-sick-to-draw-Brian's-attention, but spent a half hour challenging me on my focus. Which is external... around home, my motivations are "what's my duty and obligations? What can I do to help, or to fulfill the needs of Pat and the boys? What do they want me to do, or be?" I'm not there because I'm having fun or because I want to be there for myself, I'm being there to serve them. Even when they (or at least, Pat) doesn't want to be caretaken. I was asked, point-blank, "what do you like? What would be enjoyable and fun for you? First in-general, and then later fun-with them-specifically?" Instead of viewing home as just another worksite... I often dread weekends because of the lack of anything to do, or accomplish. Nothing to fix, except home-improvement.
I don't know what I enjoy. What my preferences are. After 20 years of being focussed on fixing and supporting others, it is hard to look in the mirror.
Pressed again by the therapist, I had to admit that I just didn't think in hedonistic terms. Self-pleasure is far, far down on my priorities, other than some abstract things like sense-of-accomplishment. "Try to become like a 7-year-old and go play in the mud... can you let go, and do that? Just being in the moment, not looking ahead to the muddy laundry?"
I seem to have to justify everything in terms of either its benefit to others, or of avoiding future problems (like working out to stay fit... skating is rationalized similarly) and hence avoiding dependencies. I can't bring myself to be selfish -- not in the sense of doing something just for fun, just because I like it or it feels good. *Especially* not if that requires asking anything of others, thereby inconveniencing them or potentially owing them debts.
I've been willing to nominally serve others' needs, in order to maintain the surplus of emotional capital that gives me control over my own life. To ask, to owe a favor, is to be vulnerable and lose control. For me, it requires a huge amount of trust in the other person(s) and in their perceived competency, to be willing to accept gifts or assistance. Arguably, by not sharing myself on equal terms, I'm being selfish on some deeper level...
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Date: 2004-04-09 06:30 pm (UTC)I too struggle with this.
Arguably, by not sharing myself on equal terms, I'm being selfish on some deeper level...
Probably. As am I. "He who would give but not receive, enslaves the person he would relieve." I forget who said that.
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Date: 2004-04-09 11:46 pm (UTC)It's one of my favorite metaphors. :)
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Date: 2004-04-10 01:18 am (UTC)Whoever said it... cute saying. Although I try to erase/delete any obligations that others might feel, usually by deriding or making light of the value of whatever I've given them. ;-)
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Date: 2004-04-10 01:29 am (UTC)Whoever said it... cute saying. Although I try to erase/delete any obligations that others might feel, usually by deriding or making light of the value of whatever I've given them. ;-)
Sure, I do that too. If nothing else, I don't want to give a gift and then have it turn into an obligation. It was a gift! I wanted to give it! It should be a positive thing!
The quote also hints at the dependence idea -- if I'm "helping" one person a huge amount and don't accept any help in return, then at some point (I'm not sure where) it goes from me being a friend into me growing a barnacle. Not that I think I've ever done this, but that's one of the things the quote says to me.
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Date: 2004-04-10 02:19 am (UTC)