my backsliding, exclusion of others?

[jay]

On the one hand, I don't feel like I'm inherently unworthy and unlovable as result of Wednesday night, so that's an improvement over the past. But I have still blown it... I promised myself a month ago to stop looking for external reassurement or validation, and therefore I should not have let the absence of such affect me at all. Grr. As soon as I needed a shoulder, off I went. (shakes head) This is going to be harder than I could have imagined.

Thanks to both dawnd at lunch and p3aches tonight for their friendly reality-check inputs. :)

One thing that popped up in a comment in someone else's journal... about people feeling excluded. I try to not say "no" to requests unless core health or safety issues are at stake for me... not merely for my wants or convenience. I initially thought "of course I haven't excluded anyone", but the idea has been wriggling memelike since then, finally seeding a small doubt.

No one has ever told me that they've felt excluded by me... if anyone has, I hope that they'd tell me so, either by comment or email, as well as my behaviors at the time. Otherwise, I'm going to assume that I'm in the clear on that issue...

Comments

[elorie.livejournal.com]

I try to not say "no" to requests unless core health or safety issues are at stake for me... not merely for my wants or convenience

Merely? Your wants and convenience?

A lot depends on the nature of the request...and the closeness of the person involved. But I wonder, what with having a wife and kids and a job, how you have time, and when you spend time on yourself.

I don't think excluding people is bad, depending on what you are talking about. Not everyone has the same level of intimacy with everyone else, and that is right and good. Not everyone has the same level of claims on your time and energy...or you on theirs.

On the other hand, in a social situation that's **supposed** to be open but really isn't, exclusion sucks. And excluding them and letting them know they are being excluded is just plain rude.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

If I have a countervailing request (say, from Pat or work) then they will effectively cancel each other... if I can't satisfy two sides in something, then I will allow my wants and needs to weigh in to the decision. Or will assess the relative harm posed to each side by my not fulfilling their conflicting requests, and choose the path of minimizing overall harm done.

When do I have time? I squeeze it out of holes in my daytime work schedule (it helps to have 5 weeks of vacation per year), while in dead time on business trips, and in evenings when Pat is typically watching TV. I don't watch TV or DVDs, I don't game, I don't have many personal hobbies or pursuits anymore except skating lessons in winter. I don't read for pleasure except while seated on airplanes or working out in the gym. I settle for a cluttered home and office rather than spend the time repetitively cleaning -- unless Pat makes a request ;-).

Time for me? Typically happens late at night, after Pat is asleep, between 11pm-2am. I've learned to adjust to living on 4-5 hours of sleep per night. That sleep-reduction is also helpful in other ways, like reducing desire for sex (opportunities for which are infrequent).

As far as claims on energy go... I find it hard to make requests myself of anyone unless I already have some claim on their time and energy due to blood or extended-family closeness. Even in small things... one of my problems at social gatherings happens when I have no partners or intimate friends there, and hence no one that I can feel relaxed about approaching if I start to become stressed or lonely. Absent that safety net, things can spiral downward...