as a start - and very obviously influenced by the particulars of this conversation... I would suggest working to: * decouple others' failure to accept your requests as personal rejection. (Or, as a starting point, do not discount in your interactions with others that this may be the position they are working from.) * ask for what you want from others * broaden your requests to fit your expectations * limit your expectations to fit your requests * express at face value in your requests of others the importance of your request * accept at face value the importance others are expressing when making requests * actively choose to do the things you do - especially the requests that you accept, or decline * consider /your/ alternatives when making your choices
but on whole, I think this distills to:
deal plainly with other people - by being up front and honest both informationally and emotionally
In some sense, it sounds like I'd need to *not care* at some level whether a request was accepted or refused... simply to go on either way without an emotional charge. This happens at work for me, but hasn't in my personal life.
* broaden your requests to fit your expectations
Wouldn't it be instead "narrow your requests to fit reasonable expectations"? If I expect a rejected request as a default, or a highly-constrained acceptance at best, then I'd think that I'd need to work on asking more often, but for less.
* accept at face value the importance others are expressing when making requests
Stop reading-between-the-lines so much, perhaps? Inferring?
In some sense, it sounds like I'd need to *not care* at some level whether a request was accepted or refused... simply to go on either way without an emotional charge. This happens at work for me, but hasn't in my personal life.
YesYESYESYESYES!
Wouldn't it be instead "narrow your requests to fit reasonable expectations"? If I expect a rejected request as a default, or a highly-constrained acceptance at best, then I'd think that I'd need to work on asking more often, but for less.
Nope. NONONONONO.
That way lies the trappings of the approach that I'm recommending against. Reducing requests to meet expectations contributes to the overall lowering of expectations. If you tell yourself "I couldn't possibly ask for foo, who would ever go along with that?" how soon do you get to expecting that nobody would. And from there, how quickly do you start further limiting your requests. "Well, obviously, if nobody would go for Foo, Bar isn't far off, either."
And if you have expectations that you do not express then how do you expect them to be met?
In asking to sit next to someone - are you asking for a place to park your butt, or for some amount of companionship? Do you expect that you will be significantly more pleased with a "yes" than a "how about..." answer? Than a "no" answer? Then perhaps you should express those expectations in your request. Maybe it requires an iterative approach to get the more subtle bit communicated.
But really - the core point here is to make the requests big enough to fill up and meet your expectations and not the other way around. And if you don't expect a reasonable person to accept a request, you should include that too. If you expect to be disappointed if your request goes unanswered, perhaps there's more there to be requested? See where I'm going with that?
Stop reading-between-the-lines so much, perhaps? Inferring?
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jay
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 06:29 pm (UTC)So, what aspects of personal interaction, on my part, would lessen your reluctance if they were changed or altered? Any suggestions?
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 07:14 pm (UTC)I would suggest working to:
* decouple others' failure to accept your requests as personal rejection. (Or, as a starting point, do not discount in your interactions with others that this may be the position they are working from.)
* ask for what you want from others
* broaden your requests to fit your expectations
* limit your expectations to fit your requests
* express at face value in your requests of others the importance of your request
* accept at face value the importance others are expressing when making requests
* actively choose to do the things you do - especially the requests that you accept, or decline
* consider /your/ alternatives when making your choices
but on whole, I think this distills to:
deal plainly with other people - by being up front and honest both informationally and emotionally
no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 10:49 pm (UTC)* broaden your requests to fit your expectations
Wouldn't it be instead "narrow your requests to fit reasonable expectations"? If I expect a rejected request as a default, or a highly-constrained acceptance at best, then I'd think that I'd need to work on asking more often, but for less.
* accept at face value the importance others are expressing when making requests
Stop reading-between-the-lines so much, perhaps? Inferring?
no subject
Date: 2004-04-25 09:54 am (UTC)YesYESYESYESYES!
Wouldn't it be instead "narrow your requests to fit reasonable expectations"? If I expect a rejected request as a default, or a highly-constrained acceptance at best, then I'd think that I'd need to work on asking more often, but for less.
Nope. NONONONONO.
That way lies the trappings of the approach that I'm recommending against. Reducing requests to meet expectations contributes to the overall lowering of expectations. If you tell yourself "I couldn't possibly ask for foo, who would ever go along with that?" how soon do you get to expecting that nobody would. And from there, how quickly do you start further limiting your requests. "Well, obviously, if nobody would go for Foo, Bar isn't far off, either."
And if you have expectations that you do not express then how do you expect them to be met?
In asking to sit next to someone - are you asking for a place to park your butt, or for some amount of companionship? Do you expect that you will be significantly more pleased with a "yes" than a "how about..." answer? Than a "no" answer? Then perhaps you should express those expectations in your request. Maybe it requires an iterative approach to get the more subtle bit communicated.
But really - the core point here is to make the requests big enough to fill up and meet your expectations and not the other way around. And if you don't expect a reasonable person to accept a request, you should include that too. If you expect to be disappointed if your request goes unanswered, perhaps there's more there to be requested? See where I'm going with that?
Stop reading-between-the-lines so much, perhaps? Inferring?
Something like that.