Because typically I haven't expected a help-trade... I've expected others to freely offer up their help in the same fashion. More of a general-goodwill argument... except that when others don't reciprocate, I then tend to become bitter and cynical about people, over time.
I think your constant disclaimers of "Oh, no, don't do anything for me" kind of contribute to others not reciprocating. I mean, I've known you for years now and I can't think of anything you might want or need that I could provide (except for the occasional verbal ass-kicking, as with this entry *grin*). You wouldn't have offered to drive me to SJC if I hadn't said I needed a lift. Similarly, since you don't ask for things or talk about needing or wanting things that other people could do, I don't volunteer because I don't know what I'd volunteer for.
I think the kindest thing you could do for your friends and yourself is learn how to ask for what you want and need in a way that neither puts obligations on from the start ("I need this and if you don't provide it you're an uncaring asshole") nor anticipates disappointment ("I need this but I don't expect to get it, ever, and I'll be miserable about that but that's the way life is"), since neither of those encourages a generous response. I highly recommend an approach more akin to "I need this, and I'm taking these steps/setting up this Plan B to see that I get it, but if someone could help out along the way I'd really appreciate it": that way you have a plan in place if no one chips in, but the plan doesn't get in the way of getting help from others. It's worked very well for me.
(bats eyelashes) Oh, I could always ask you out... *ducking*
And you're correct -- I don't post general calls for help. In part because it often doesn't occur to me, in part because I don't want the emotional-hit that would come from daring to post a public call without much subsequent response. Which in turn is arguably a lack of trust of my friends, on my part.
Actually, I rather like your idea... kind of an augmented plan, instead of either being fully dependent on others or doing everything alone. It manages boundaries in (what seems to me to be) a safer fashion. If I don't *need* someone, then they have no power over me (other than what I choose to give). That's much more relaxing ;-)
I've expected others to freely offer up their help in the same fashion.
If you give help in reaction to requests, but then don't make requests, how are people supposed to do this? I honestly don't have time or energy to go poll my friends daily/weekly to see if they need anything from me. My most common statement to friends in need is "if you need me, contact me." I have to hand it back to them as an open door.
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jay
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Date: 2004-04-24 11:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 11:50 pm (UTC)I think the kindest thing you could do for your friends and yourself is learn how to ask for what you want and need in a way that neither puts obligations on from the start ("I need this and if you don't provide it you're an uncaring asshole") nor anticipates disappointment ("I need this but I don't expect to get it, ever, and I'll be miserable about that but that's the way life is"), since neither of those encourages a generous response. I highly recommend an approach more akin to "I need this, and I'm taking these steps/setting up this Plan B to see that I get it, but if someone could help out along the way I'd really appreciate it": that way you have a plan in place if no one chips in, but the plan doesn't get in the way of getting help from others. It's worked very well for me.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-25 12:44 am (UTC)And you're correct -- I don't post general calls for help. In part because it often doesn't occur to me, in part because I don't want the emotional-hit that would come from daring to post a public call without much subsequent response. Which in turn is arguably a lack of trust of my friends, on my part.
Actually, I rather like your idea... kind of an augmented plan, instead of either being fully dependent on others or doing everything alone. It manages boundaries in (what seems to me to be) a safer fashion. If I don't *need* someone, then they have no power over me (other than what I choose to give). That's much more relaxing ;-)
no subject
Date: 2004-04-27 12:30 am (UTC)If you give help in reaction to requests, but then don't make requests, how are people supposed to do this? I honestly don't have time or energy to go poll my friends daily/weekly to see if they need anything from me. My most common statement to friends in need is "if you need me, contact me." I have to hand it back to them as an open door.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-01 06:43 am (UTC)