Indirect overriding direct feedback...
Apr. 9th, 2002 02:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayA sweetie recently professed zir love, and said "I don't know what to say to make you feel more secure." But I tend to give words little credence... I tend to watch someone's actions instead. Quietly taking notes and drawing inferences as regards someone's practical, rather than professed, level of interest or affection. In relationships, it seems like I'm always evaluating and re-evaluating how I stand in a given love's affections, usually looking at who zie is spending the most time with,
and the quality of the time spent. For example, if a given sweetie says that "I love you dearly and you're important to me", but can only find time in two months for coffee or a brief lunch (while seeing one or more other partners or close friends several times on evening-long dates or overnights during the same time period), then the message I get indirectly is "I love you, at least somewhat, but I'm too busy to see you, given your relative (un-)importance in my relationship structure." And that indirect assessment then generally determines my willingness to devote further time and energy to that relationship.
I even find myself doing this at times with LJ friend's lists... if I haven't seen an entry from someone in awhile, my first reaction is to check their calendar or profile to determine if I've simply been screened-out of recent entries (given the proliferation of friends-list filtering). If I've been filtered, that affects my willingness to read or respond to that given person's future unfiltered or public entries. Sort of "X doesn't really like me anymore, but is too polite to actually remove me from their friends-list, so I shouldn't bother them in the future. Unless X explicitly shows interest at some future point in something I've posted." There are actually several people with whom I've gone through cycles of filtered-withdrawal-reengaged on LJ, and they aren't necessarily aware of this... (shrug)
Granted that my approach, which works fine for me, isn't necessarily sensible or reasonable for anyone else. For that matter, I have yet to make a friends-list-only entry, let alone use filters. Or killfiles, on Usenet.
and the quality of the time spent. For example, if a given sweetie says that "I love you dearly and you're important to me", but can only find time in two months for coffee or a brief lunch (while seeing one or more other partners or close friends several times on evening-long dates or overnights during the same time period), then the message I get indirectly is "I love you, at least somewhat, but I'm too busy to see you, given your relative (un-)importance in my relationship structure." And that indirect assessment then generally determines my willingness to devote further time and energy to that relationship.
I even find myself doing this at times with LJ friend's lists... if I haven't seen an entry from someone in awhile, my first reaction is to check their calendar or profile to determine if I've simply been screened-out of recent entries (given the proliferation of friends-list filtering). If I've been filtered, that affects my willingness to read or respond to that given person's future unfiltered or public entries. Sort of "X doesn't really like me anymore, but is too polite to actually remove me from their friends-list, so I shouldn't bother them in the future. Unless X explicitly shows interest at some future point in something I've posted." There are actually several people with whom I've gone through cycles of filtered-withdrawal-reengaged on LJ, and they aren't necessarily aware of this... (shrug)
Granted that my approach, which works fine for me, isn't necessarily sensible or reasonable for anyone else. For that matter, I have yet to make a friends-list-only entry, let alone use filters. Or killfiles, on Usenet.
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Date: 2002-04-10 01:17 am (UTC)Sort of like invitation lists to social events... some subset may be invited to X-variety parties, an overlapping set to Y-type events, and others only to general-invitation activities. And then personally going from seeing a given friend weekly, to a couple of times per month, to only being invited to the twice yearly huge parties (to which the whole community is invited) and seeing the given (ex-?) friend for 30 seconds upon arrival and departure.