a long Tuesday crash...

[jay]

Last week, I was doing something worthwhile, I felt. I had a mission, discernable goals. Being in a wilderness, having to fix and solve problems in real-time... being alert and wary of hazards kept me in a sort of low-level hyper-focus for two weeks. I was *on* in some sense... not euphoric, but just highly-functional.

Since returning... it has been a four-day crash. Lack of purpose or meaning. Few challenges. Hyper-awareness of... kids arguing? Paperwork? My mood has crashed, I feel useless and shelved and emotionally raw and generally grumpy. A long Tuesday... And I'm still affection-starved after being in the field for two weeks, and patgreene's out of town herself.

So, take any recent interactions with me with that filter. Right now, I'm feeling beached and insignificant and unwanted. Not very functional. This is spilling over into my personal interactions, both on LJ and private... sorry. I probably could use a hand, but am not sure what I'd ask for, or am allowed to want/need. This seems to happen every year as kind of a transition shock... last year I picked a huge fight on polyamory as a means of self-flagellation and distraction. Two years ago, a week-long argument with a new sweetie. It should pass in a week or so, given past experience.

Comments

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

Lots of hugs.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

It makes perfect sense that you're feeling let down. My sympathies.

On the other hand, some people would probably consider that parenting is "something worthwhile," something that involves purpose and meaning. Or they might consider that it was meaningful to give their partner a rare chance to go after a big accomplishment. As she said in her entry earlier, you're usually the one who goes big places and does big things - this is her opportunity to shine, and you're making it possible. That's a pretty big deal. Is it possible for you to see it that way?

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

*nod*

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to be making it possible for patgreene to shine... but that's what she's doing, not me. I'm not living vicariously through her. Or trying to avoid it.

Parenting is long-term, ongoing... it is a tangible accomplishment, sure, but on a 20-year scale. Day-to-day, it can resemble doing laundry...

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. Well, then, if nothing else, maybe you can see this as a way to gain insight into what patgreene's day-by-day life is like.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

The original post was intended to warn others away from me in my current mood, trying to avoid picking fights as has been the case in the past after I've come back. I'm not doing enough (4 days) to compensate her for the 2 weeks I was gone... not enough ounces of flesh to balance, so to speak.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(slight grumble) it doesn't work, insight-wise, because I'm trying to do overtime at work (to catch up from being out of town for 2 weeks) while at the same time doing Pat's job here... I don't get vacation time to cover for her at home, and lack prior childcare arrangements.

(hugs)

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

You're drained. You'll refill and rebound. Soon, I hope.

Re: (hugs)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

More like I have lots of perception and energy, and lacking anyplace useful to put it, it is reflecting back at me...

Re: (hugs)

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

mmm...(snuggle). and thanks. and big smile.

Re: (hugs)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I needed a friendly ear last night. A late call was better than none... :).

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

(hugs) Sorry you're feeling down, dear. Looking forward to lunch tomorrow.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I've been trying to not bother you this week, otherwise.