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Nov. 13th, 2004 06:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayLooking out of my office window, seeing the sunset on a late autumn Saturday... pretty and pink.
I think I'm probably difficult to love, maybe even to like. There are a lot of buried scars and pain and unresolved bad habits. Not that I'm unlovable, or don't have a lot to offer, or somehow don't deserve it... none of those are true, and I still feel that way at a gut-level (yay!) after last weekend. More that those near and dear to me have to be persistent and patient and compassionate and willing to forgive me as I stumble sometimes while working things out. Some days, I look objectively at my own insecurities and angst and jealousy and fears, and how many times I've had to work through some issues, and feel like those close to me deserve a medal for fortitude under fire (wry grin). The faint-hearted or mildly-interested need not apply. Comfort with intensity and focussed energy is a requirement. Each one finds their own value and own rewards in their interactions with me... I can take the right person with me to places that s/he never imagined -- emotionally, spiritually and physically. But "low maintenance" is not me, at least not now.
I think I'm probably difficult to love, maybe even to like. There are a lot of buried scars and pain and unresolved bad habits. Not that I'm unlovable, or don't have a lot to offer, or somehow don't deserve it... none of those are true, and I still feel that way at a gut-level (yay!) after last weekend. More that those near and dear to me have to be persistent and patient and compassionate and willing to forgive me as I stumble sometimes while working things out. Some days, I look objectively at my own insecurities and angst and jealousy and fears, and how many times I've had to work through some issues, and feel like those close to me deserve a medal for fortitude under fire (wry grin). The faint-hearted or mildly-interested need not apply. Comfort with intensity and focussed energy is a requirement. Each one finds their own value and own rewards in their interactions with me... I can take the right person with me to places that s/he never imagined -- emotionally, spiritually and physically. But "low maintenance" is not me, at least not now.
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Date: 2004-11-14 04:24 am (UTC)This is coming from a person who has (at least) three sweeties! Brian, sometimes you just drive me up the wall. At least you have sweeties. I realize haven't posted much about my situation lately, and I've been out of touch with you, so you probably have no idea what's up. To put it bluntly, my husband has replaced me with his girlfriend, and calls it "poly" (of course, it isn't). In fact, someone recently asked me, "How's your significant other?" and I didn't know how to answer the question. (I thought a better question would've been "Who's your significant other?"
Sure, I have some people in my life I spend time with, but no one I would consider a full-fledged sweetie. So when I look at what (and who) you have going for you, it's next to impossible for me to feel any sympathy. And if (great big "IF") anyone has reason to feel unloveable, it's certainly not you.
I've wanted to say that to you for a long time, Brian. I just didn't think I could wait any longer.
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