feeling down...

[jay]

Yesterday was productive, so why am I this far down? I finished the drilling paper and sent it off for review, and assembled and packed and shipped three huge duffels-worth of IP phones and a rock hammer and fleeces and Gore-tex and a tent... enough for me, as well as extras for Julie if she happens to be called-up to help cook there on Devon Island. And including little items, like gloves from patgreene, one of tenacious_snail's heavy shirts, or vitamin supplements from Nancy. And FedEx tracking shows that all three made it safely to Ottawa overnight, positioned to be shipped to Resolute.

I scrambled... got the paper completed and sent in... left work at 5:30pm, after being there until 3am the night before. Had had a nice lunch with p3aches and her baby.

But was late getting to Berkeley to meet Julie. Dinner was a bit awkward, as Julie and I hadn't seen each other since March, but OK. We went to Wine and Song... it was fun to introduce Julie to my friends there. But it was running late, there was an undercurrent of stress, and finally both Julie and Les had to leave early. Julie dropped me at my car in Berkeley, then I had a tense, distant hour with Les before finally returning to W&S to pick up James there.

This morning... I feel down. Unenthusiastic about anything, a bit hung over, feeling unwanted and useless. Squabbling with Pascal by email to Edmonton, where he is now. Maybe I had too many expectations for last night... I rarely get two sweeties together under the same roof at the same time.

Off to a friend's ordination, this morning...

Comments

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

My schedule with Julie was to meet her at 6:30pm. I arrived at 7pm, then waited for her to return from a walk, then called you after I couldn't remember the code. So I saw myself as a half-hour late.

You had said that you'd be gone by 6:30pm, headed to San Leandro. I then said that I planned to try to leave work early, and could possibly get there by 6-6:15pm in time to give you a hug in passing. That did not happen, but I did not see it as a scheduled event (more of a target of opportunity). And I was not able to leave work early.

What I have learned is to not mention possible brief interactions with you unless I'm *really* sure they *will* happen, and not subject to work or traffic. Generally, work issues will trump relationship issues for me.

And if I'm not really sure when I will be arriving somewhere that you will be, even a third-party social event, I have learned that I need to give as vague an answer as I can, avoiding any ETAs unless I'm really sure I can be there *before* that time. Otherwise, if I give my ETA at some party as 9 and am actually there at 9:30, I'm in trouble even if it isn't your party.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

Jay, it isn't about whether or not you are there when you say you will be, it is about whether or not you call.

Avoiding giving me ETAs is still going to feed my sense of fear and anxiety, because I don't know what to expect. I want to know what to expect, and to be told when it changes. The change is fine, it is the uncertainty that I have difficulty with. I may learn why, and I may change, but right now, this is how I am.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Then it becomes a problem of expectation management... I'm really resistant to updating expectations as I go along, because my experience is that it is better to be yelled-at once at the end, than repeatedly with each update. My optimal strategy has been to set expectations so loosely that I won't have to communicate any updates.