(nods) OTOH, moving is something that is obviously much greater than any one person can handle alone, so there's no expectation of self-reliance. One needs either friends or a moving company.
It's a matter of degree. Juggling the needs of 3 boys, an injured spouse, and a demanding job is *hard*. No one is doubting that you'll somehow manage - but you don't need to get to the point of breaking yourself before people deem you worthy of being helped. Sometimes we simply see that someone is struggling under a load and we want go and lighten it for them. No one begrudges you that. The people who care about you are happier to be able to hold a part of your burden than to sit apart with the knowledge that you are alone in pain.
Even interdependence sounds like it includes elements of dependence, and hence loss of control.
*Grin* Why, yes it does. This week I had a merry scavenger hunt for an item that I'd asked someone to find "a very safe place" for (they did indeed find a very safe, and very hidden spot for it, and we had a good laugh together when I finally asked them to reveal it). But I value the presence and support of the community far more than I value having exact control over where everything is.
Sometimes giving up control - and uptightness - is a good thing. I have definite control freak tendencies when I'm stressed, and people like me better when I give over the control at those times.
And... I already often feel like I'm running a net deficit, that people are being nice to me just by tolerating my presence or existence in their midst. Adding too much additional bother to that could make me a nuisance and cause the community to cast me away.
Asking for help is not being a nuisance, when you ask freely and when people are welcome to say yes or no. Saying that you could use a hand will not push people away. We are able to maintain our own boundaries, and we will not resent you for what you ask, because we will not give to the point of neglecting ourselves.
You do run the risk of pushing people away when you willfully ignore how much they care for you, and are there for you. You do run the risk of pushing people away when you say you have no help despite having been offered it. You do run the risk of pushing people away when you don't let them in.
You are spending so damn much energy refuting a bunch of our words this week. You are smart enough to find logical-sounding things to say in response to everything we say, until we lose the energy to argue anymore. But you are outsmarting yourself, because what you are doing is turning away the very love and support that you desire. Your fear that it won't exist is blinding you to the fact that it does.
Let us *in*, Jay - a gracious "Yes, please, I could use a hand, and I thank you" will please us so much more than your repeated refrain of "No, I don't need anything, and why would anyone want to be here for me anyway?"
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Date: 2005-08-07 03:22 pm (UTC)It's a matter of degree. Juggling the needs of 3 boys, an injured spouse, and a demanding job is *hard*. No one is doubting that you'll somehow manage - but you don't need to get to the point of breaking yourself before people deem you worthy of being helped. Sometimes we simply see that someone is struggling under a load and we want go and lighten it for them. No one begrudges you that. The people who care about you are happier to be able to hold a part of your burden than to sit apart with the knowledge that you are alone in pain.
Even interdependence sounds like it includes elements of dependence, and hence loss of control.
*Grin* Why, yes it does. This week I had a merry scavenger hunt for an item that I'd asked someone to find "a very safe place" for (they did indeed find a very safe, and very hidden spot for it, and we had a good laugh together when I finally asked them to reveal it). But I value the presence and support of the community far more than I value having exact control over where everything is.
Sometimes giving up control - and uptightness - is a good thing. I have definite control freak tendencies when I'm stressed, and people like me better when I give over the control at those times.
And... I already often feel like I'm running a net deficit, that people are being nice to me just by tolerating my presence or existence in their midst. Adding too much additional bother to that could make me a nuisance and cause the community to cast me away.
Asking for help is not being a nuisance, when you ask freely and when people are welcome to say yes or no. Saying that you could use a hand will not push people away. We are able to maintain our own boundaries, and we will not resent you for what you ask, because we will not give to the point of neglecting ourselves.
You do run the risk of pushing people away when you willfully ignore how much they care for you, and are there for you. You do run the risk of pushing people away when you say you have no help despite having been offered it. You do run the risk of pushing people away when you don't let them in.
You are spending so damn much energy refuting a bunch of our words this week. You are smart enough to find logical-sounding things to say in response to everything we say, until we lose the energy to argue anymore. But you are outsmarting yourself, because what you are doing is turning away the very love and support that you desire. Your fear that it won't exist is blinding you to the fact that it does.
Let us *in*, Jay - a gracious "Yes, please, I could use a hand, and I thank you" will please us so much more than your repeated refrain of "No, I don't need anything, and why would anyone want to be here for me anyway?"