I was *so* wrong...

[jay]

Last Sunday I attended the Impact Women's Basics "graduation" in SF for tenacious_snail's class. Earlier, I'd been rather dubious, even wary that I'd somehow become a target myself in mundane situations. I was completely wrong! Those scenarios demonstrated are nothing like any consensual interactions, so far apart that I felt silly for my previous fears.

As well as sheepish regarding my earlier lackluster support of Les. She was strong, and competent, and dispatched her assailants with strength and determination. I was happy for her and proud to be there to watch. She rocked! :^)

Sunday, I felt nervous, going in... I knew it was highly likely to be traumatic and triggering for me, personally. I went anyway, to support my sweetie. As well as confronting a few inner demons of my own ... had flashbacks from past assaults, trembling. The "reversal" scenes were particularly triggering, and the shouting. At least none of the assailants carried a 2x4 club... (shudder). I was twitchy, and not breathing, and I'm grateful for inflectionpoint and klrmn for sitting on either side, holding my hand at times and reminding me to breathe. And yesterday, I crashed a bit afterwards.

But first and foremost, we were all there Sunday to cheer on these strong women, as they faced their fears and muggers on the mat. Yelling encouragement, and even coaching "there's an opening! Go for the eyes!", and cheering when they'd finish and flushed, would scan for status, stomp their foot and shout "NO!" Bravo to all of them, including my sweetie. And I'm going to add the organization to my CFC charity list for next year.

Comments

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

I'm very very very glad you were there, I know that your support meant a lot to Les, and probably to women in the class that you don't know and might not ever know. It was a good gift and support to offer and I am glad that you did.

I hope that you can find a chance to take one of the men's classes, and I would like to talk with you one on one at some point about your fear of harming an instructor stopping you from doing so. I understand that fear, but would like to offer you a view of the other side... on the other side of that fear is some amazing stuff.

And I have some opinions about where that fear may come from and who might have been motivated to put that fear into you. Often, people who try to make survivors feel worried about "hurting others" are the people who hurt us in the first place. This allows the people who actually did hurt us to keep right on doing it without having to worry about encountering a strong and strongwilled defense. And, time and energy that I spend agonizing over whether or not I might hurt someone while training in self defense are time that I don't have available to me to either be training in self defense, or doing other good things with my life.

I have chosen to get over that fear, myself. I worked very hard to do so, and can still remember my first karate classes and being horrified at the thought that I was there, that I had paid good money to be there and to look someone in the eye, line up a shot, and take it. And make it the best and hardest shot I could. It took time to get over that, and I did.

I will say that seriously committing to fighting back, and to meaning that I will defend my life and my safety as if they REALLY mattered has made me socially unacceptable in some places. Seriously committing to fighting back can make people uncomfortable, or scared. Strange that, because if people want to be uncomfortable or troubled or scared, I'd rather that they put that fear and discomfort on the people who start the problems and not on the survivors who are fighting back, or just speaking the truth about what happened.

It has taken me years to say, "My life and my quality of life matter. And I mean it." And it has been so worth it. I would hope that we can talk about this, I would like to offer you a view from the other side. I have found it to be messy, inconvenient, and sometimes lonely over here, but the other side of things is... I get my life back. All of it. And the right to defend it and the right to be outraged when someone tries to threaten it. What a precious thing, and I only wish that it were inalienable.

I am so very glad you were there, and hope that you will be there for me when I take the training myself. Hugs to you!

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I don't know about the men's classes... they seem hard to find or set up.

Thanks for sharing how hard it was to get over that fear. And I want to be there for you likewise when you take the training yourself. (hug)