A goodbye...
Jun. 27th, 2006 03:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jay"Have no expectations, while appreciating what's in your life." -C.
Funerals... seem to be about helping the bereaved process and cope with their loss, getting one's arms around the hole left behind. Yesterday was N.'s funeral. I'm numbed, still sad... it doesn't seem real that she's gone, even now. And my brother... I'm worried about him, he isn't letting himself grieve, yet, other than in the eulogy at the service... instead trying to take care of everyone else. Even bringing a bottle of 15-year-old Thomas Hardy's Ale because he knew we'd appreciate it and the symbolism (he and N. bought five bottles in the UK, shortly after they were married, and this was the last one).
I'm no one to talk, though, as I felt the same need to caretake, to be there for others and not whatever I wanted or needed to cope. We probably got this from our mom, who was busy doing the same thing despite her arthritis and fibromyalgia...
Anyway... yesterday, we went over to the funeral parlor around 9:30 for a last viewing and farewell before the casket was closed. Seeing C. and the two girls there, at the end, was both incredibly touching and still gut-wrenching. N.'s parents and sister were brave and composed, which had to be hard... still, the Islamic tradition around funerals is somewhat more stoic in public, according totenacious_snail.
The service was held at the funeral parlor's chapel, which was overcrowded with at least a couple of hundred guests. C. did a courageous eulogy, with the above quote and some bittersweet anecdotes that illustrated N.'s vivaciousness, compassion, eagerness to serve others... and her lack of pretension, fearless in asking questions or admitting when she didn't know something. Friends from both B.C (Parrotheads) and A.C. (local church) talked... her 9-year-old daughter R. is a first-year flute student and played. The same slightly-smarmy pastor (thatpatgreene referenced a week ago) gave a closing sermon and graveside prayers.
Funeral procession... police escort... I noticed that most cars going the *other* direction pulled over out of respect while the procession passed, even on multilane divided roads comparable to Foothill Expressway at home. Police blocked intersections while the procession passed. The graveside service was short, and it rained... Dad got up and talked about how they'd wrestled with ethnic and religious issues when C. and N. first met, but how much they learned from her and her family and friends. My sistersuspira20 talked about her experiences with N., gave a lovely eulogy there... covered nearly everything I would have said.
Then we left.
Stopped by a grocery store withsuspira20 and my dad. He looked good in a suit, probably the first time he'd worn one in a decade. (grin) I was happy to see him out and active and energized again, even on an otherwise-sad occasion. We were hosting both sides of the family for lunch at my parent's house, as well as several visiting aunts and uncles and cousins who had come from out of town. The afternoon was spent being social.... kind of a family reunion. We talked about N., but it seemed happier, somehow. We veered away from a row over politics (although it was nice to not be outnumbered, for once there ;). We drank good beer and better Scotch, N.'s father and C. are both connoisseurs. Finally, it was just the two families left after dinner... wrestling broke out with suspira20 , a cousin, vs. the two nieces. That was good to watch... Z. made funny faces. I'll include a couple of photos.
Today... back home to California. I'll probably take tomorrow off just to recover from the past two weeks...
Funerals... seem to be about helping the bereaved process and cope with their loss, getting one's arms around the hole left behind. Yesterday was N.'s funeral. I'm numbed, still sad... it doesn't seem real that she's gone, even now. And my brother... I'm worried about him, he isn't letting himself grieve, yet, other than in the eulogy at the service... instead trying to take care of everyone else. Even bringing a bottle of 15-year-old Thomas Hardy's Ale because he knew we'd appreciate it and the symbolism (he and N. bought five bottles in the UK, shortly after they were married, and this was the last one).
I'm no one to talk, though, as I felt the same need to caretake, to be there for others and not whatever I wanted or needed to cope. We probably got this from our mom, who was busy doing the same thing despite her arthritis and fibromyalgia...
Anyway... yesterday, we went over to the funeral parlor around 9:30 for a last viewing and farewell before the casket was closed. Seeing C. and the two girls there, at the end, was both incredibly touching and still gut-wrenching. N.'s parents and sister were brave and composed, which had to be hard... still, the Islamic tradition around funerals is somewhat more stoic in public, according to
tenacious_snail. The service was held at the funeral parlor's chapel, which was overcrowded with at least a couple of hundred guests. C. did a courageous eulogy, with the above quote and some bittersweet anecdotes that illustrated N.'s vivaciousness, compassion, eagerness to serve others... and her lack of pretension, fearless in asking questions or admitting when she didn't know something. Friends from both B.C (Parrotheads) and A.C. (local church) talked... her 9-year-old daughter R. is a first-year flute student and played. The same slightly-smarmy pastor (that
patgreene referenced a week ago) gave a closing sermon and graveside prayers. Funeral procession... police escort... I noticed that most cars going the *other* direction pulled over out of respect while the procession passed, even on multilane divided roads comparable to Foothill Expressway at home. Police blocked intersections while the procession passed. The graveside service was short, and it rained... Dad got up and talked about how they'd wrestled with ethnic and religious issues when C. and N. first met, but how much they learned from her and her family and friends. My sister
suspira20 talked about her experiences with N., gave a lovely eulogy there... covered nearly everything I would have said. Then we left.
Stopped by a grocery store with
suspira20 and my dad. He looked good in a suit, probably the first time he'd worn one in a decade. (grin) I was happy to see him out and active and energized again, even on an otherwise-sad occasion. We were hosting both sides of the family for lunch at my parent's house, as well as several visiting aunts and uncles and cousins who had come from out of town. The afternoon was spent being social.... kind of a family reunion. We talked about N., but it seemed happier, somehow. We veered away from a row over politics (although it was nice to not be outnumbered, for once there ;). We drank good beer and better Scotch, N.'s father and C. are both connoisseurs. Finally, it was just the two families left after dinner... wrestling broke out with suspira20 , a cousin, vs. the two nieces. That was good to watch... Z. made funny faces. I'll include a couple of photos.Today... back home to California. I'll probably take tomorrow off just to recover from the past two weeks...
 |
After the service After the last invocation... taken after the immediate family and others had left, out of consideration. It was raining, hence the umbrellas. |
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post-funeral lunch Here are three of my cousins, plus Vicky, at my parents' house afterward. |
 |
Scary Z... Quite an expression for my 6 year old niece. :) |
 |
chicken fight on the carpet Joyce and Vicky were the horses, ridden by the nieces... it was a welcome tension relief. |
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no subject
Date: 2006-06-27 10:46 pm (UTC)I'm also glad to get to see the bichon, aftering hearing about it so often.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-28 12:57 am (UTC)The bichon... sigh. I call it "Evil Dog" or "Gator Bait" instead of its name ("Grits")... small ankle-biter.
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Date: 2006-06-27 10:48 pm (UTC)*hugs*
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Date: 2006-06-28 12:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-27 11:13 pm (UTC)IMX, many people cope this way. It helps them to connect with others and to feel they're not helpless. The grief generally comes naturally, later on, when the shock has worn off. It takes a lot of time to work through it.
I am keeping your family in my prayers.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-27 11:40 pm (UTC)This has been my experience too.
It can take an especially long time when there's much to be done, in so far as arrangements to be made... also, when the death is expected, it seems to take people an especially long time to let go and grieve...
no subject
Date: 2006-06-28 01:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-28 02:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-28 01:01 am (UTC)But that doesn't finish it. After 40 days, there is a final service or ritual for the departed. IMO, this is probably around when the shock wears off and probably helps the bereaved then.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-28 07:09 pm (UTC)Yahrzeit, the Jewish tradition of lighting a candle every year on the anniversary of the death, also helps a lot. Anniversary reactions are powerful.
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Date: 2006-06-28 12:43 am (UTC)*hugs you close* I am glad that you are taking some time out to just *be*, after the ordeal that the recent days have been for you and your family.
Please don't hesitate to let us know what we can do to be there for you, whether it be an open ear, supportive hugs, or even just leaving you in quiet for a while so that you can have a chance to listen to the reflections of your own thoughts.
Much love, dear...
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