A strange feeling...

[jay]

A sweetie of mine today sent me an email. "...since you don't like to ask for help, I thought I'd ask for some as a way to generate ideas."

And she posted a question. And received a warm and supportive response, from her friends, who naturally assumed that it was something of concern to her. And there were, in fact, some useful ideas there for me.

It's a strange feeling watching the difference in responses over there, though, compared to the kinds of responses, or lack thereof, over here when I ask for advice. I can't help but wonder how it would have been different if I'd directly posted exactly the same question in my own journal. Some people would not have replied, certainly. Others I feel would have been less likely to offer their comments or help. And there's a nagging feeling that I would have been somehow "made to be wrong" or criticized if I'd opened myself up in exactly the same way.

Still, this was a loving and supportive act on my sweetie's part, even if I feel a bit sheepish... would these people have been as helpful if they'd known?

Comments

[mary919.livejournal.com]

She is clearly quite loving and supportive-- you said it yourself. Is she more warm and supportive to her friends online than you are to yours? I don't know any of you at all really-- online a little bit only. I'm just putting the idea out there.

A few weeks ago I ended up alone in a car with a co-worker who was fussing about another co-worker and she said something like this "It's not fair-- he never picks me for projects-- I don't think he even considers me. I hate working with him!!"

And I said, "Is there any chance that he senses your feelings for him and doesn't consider you because of them?" She didn't say much at that point, but came back a few days later and said that what I said had really helped.

She didn't realize it, but she felt very hurt over past slights and took a defensive posture in dealings with him which probably pushed him away before he even had a chance to consider her.

So I'm asking you the hard question-- have you been warm and supportive when these people have posted about concerns of their own? Maybe they don't yet know how to be warm and supportive with you-- but she has taught them how to be warm and supportive with her.

You can de-friend me now if you want :) :) but I would miss reading about your diverse extended family of friends. And the ice skating.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

LOL... why would I defriend you over *that*? You're respectful and constructive, even while asking that question.

Supportive? I feel like I am, and have been, at least in crises in the lives of several of the people commenting over there. Warm? Less so... probably cooler in my own LJ than when commenting in others' posts. Over here, I'm still half-defensive when I post anything personal, having been repeatedly burned in the past. But others' concerns are safer to write about.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

Maybe you need to filter. I think that there are several people who you have a history with that you tend to get defensive around -- rightly or wrongly -- which makes it difficult for you to listen to them even when they give you good advice. So maybe if you filtered it to people who are honest with you, but who you are not likely to immediately shut down around, you might be less uncomfortable posting about personal issues.