A strange feeling...

[jay]

A sweetie of mine today sent me an email. "...since you don't like to ask for help, I thought I'd ask for some as a way to generate ideas."

And she posted a question. And received a warm and supportive response, from her friends, who naturally assumed that it was something of concern to her. And there were, in fact, some useful ideas there for me.

It's a strange feeling watching the difference in responses over there, though, compared to the kinds of responses, or lack thereof, over here when I ask for advice. I can't help but wonder how it would have been different if I'd directly posted exactly the same question in my own journal. Some people would not have replied, certainly. Others I feel would have been less likely to offer their comments or help. And there's a nagging feeling that I would have been somehow "made to be wrong" or criticized if I'd opened myself up in exactly the same way.

Still, this was a loving and supportive act on my sweetie's part, even if I feel a bit sheepish... would these people have been as helpful if they'd known?

Comments

Re: *shrug*

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

So at the risk of going "over the net" (out of my experience, and into yours or someone else's), I'm going to comment on what I see in your comment that might have made it difficult for Brian to hear.

The big issue that I see is that you are giving your experience, but speaking it in general terms, e.g, "you stop trying," rather than "I stopped trying." If I'd spoken these words at the Effective Influence conference, I'd have been called on this for sure (and was!). I was told that my words would have more impact, be more effective, if I would speak from my own experience using "I-language." For me I would often speak from my perspective, but phrase it as me being part of a group. Sometimes this was as a result of me trying to build a "we" with the other person, but what I heard is that by trying to create it rather than allow it, it tended to distance them from me, rather than draw them to me. Other times it was me trying to say that it wasn't "just me" (me claiming membership in a larger group) but it still had the effect of distancing, and sometimes offending.

I'm guessing that some of this was at work here. If you'd phrased all of this from only your own experience, and told of the effect that his words and actions had had on you--and left out the generalities--it might have been easier for him to hear. At the very least Brian likely wouldn't have felt like he was being dogpiled by an invisible army of "people" rather than just hearing how he had affected you.

Take with appropriate salt, and do let me know if any of this is unclear. I hope this is helpful.